Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.

Michael Caine: Acting in Film (1987)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "If I keep blinking............it weakens me"

An acting showcase, a masterclass from the master, a rare glimpse behind the facade and an insight into the methodology of Snr Caine.

We begin with Caine overlording a group of students (inc Celia Imrie??) and the audience, firmly putting his generalship into place here and ensuring all know that he is the boss in this room. This is accentuated by lots of pointing and commands - he's in full Lahndahn voice here - to the assistants and crew.

This section mainly relates to the camera, its purpose, how to move around it, what to watch and how to anticipate what may happen during the making of a film. 

All great, but this is cut with endless terrifying close up shots of the man.

"The camera is your lover"

"The camera is your belt behind you"

"If you are going to do action or movement.....*point*....Plan It"

Why does this exist? Who conjured it into being? For what purpose? They should be lauded, whoever they are, as this is purest purest gold. Essentially, its an hour of Caine strutting about in front of an audience (he looks nervous at the beginning but soon warms up by professing love to the nearest camera) throwing out bon mots, advice and his personal knowledge of what it takes to be a good actor. All seemingly without stopping to even take his coat off. He points like a fuckin' madman too, almost every line being punctuated with jabs and the occasional double jab.

Along the way, we find some fine insights into MC, (when he's not cadging for fags off the students)

"Always Steal, but only steal from the best. Because what you saw them do.........they stole!"

"I never watch the rushes...everyone buys their yachts at the rushes and goes bankrupt at the premiere"

We then fade out and into the next session, in which the students take the lead and perform some classic Caine scenes, whilst the master observes and dispenses sage wisdom from a bar stool.

We start with Alfie. Not sure about this fellow, he's not very good. Now, acting out an Alfie scene whilst Alfie himself lurks in the background is intimidating enough, but doing when its going to be evaulated?

The boy moves about a lot. Tries pointing. MC chips in with some advice - very good advice - but the younger is visibly more stiff than he was. He keeps blinking too......in spite of being told not to just ten minutes before. Eventually, MC sits in and goes through it, with the gulf in quality between the two clearly apparent as soon as the scene starts again.

Incidentally............why did Caine never direct a film? (I think its safe to assume he'll never do so at this point in his life).

At this point...........its audience question time who soon start barking them out in rapid order. Hold back people, hold back, he's only able to answer so many people at the same time!

Next up - Death Trap......and a sudden line of narration from Caine?? Theres literally one line of voiceover and thats it? Bit like that bizarre moment (of very very many) in Argentos "Phenomena" when theres a sudden line of narration in a film that has no other narration throughout. Oh, OH, had that Caine taken the Donald Pleasance role in that! 

But we digress............Celias up and shes doing an accent. The older, more thickset of the  male actors ain't up to much either, as he's stiff as a board.

"You have to listen very carefully to every god damned thing he says, cos you don't know what the FUCKING HELL he's gonna say!"

Cut to the students sat at MC's leather shoe'd feet and some direct questions. We learn:

1 - Special effects. Let them explain, then get the stuntman to do it first. Fair enough, I say!

2 - The difficulties of "intimate" scenes. Keep a bottle of throat spray in yer pocket.

Then a peach of a question:

"What makes you decide to do a film, if you get a script? What makes you decide to make it?"

Caine pauses. Shuffles uneasily. 

Gives a slightly woolly answer about "is it different?", "career", "is it a challenge?", "what kind of film is it, budget wise" etc etc.

Look mate, we all know the answer. THE CHEQUE

Oh, and we get an answer to why he's never directed a film. "Its too much work. Theres a economic reason to me not doing it" i.e. CASH

Lastly, a scene from Educating Rita is played out and more accents get deployed. The perms been there since the opening of the film. Pretty by numbers this, but we do get a full blow by blow of how Mike does his drunken actings - which, lets be honest, he does an awful lot of the time. Just click on that "drunken master" tag and see how many times he's trotted this routine out on camera. 

Nice to finally see how its done, mind. And it is very good, to be fair.

Suddenly, the film ends on this freeze frame for about thirty seconds, after which it fades to black and white, allowing the credits to roll in somber silence.

Outfit of the film. Well, theres only one and its his own clothes - but he's looking pretty damned regal in that leather jacket.

The Last Valley (1971)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Yes

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory

The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.

So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?

I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.

Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.

 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.

2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM

COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS

In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!

Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.

Half Moon Street (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: No (we think)

Best Line: There isn't one really. See below

Half Moon Street, which runs just off Green Park station up towards Curzon, if my memory is right. Good setting for a film, good London scenery in the film as we open with Sigourney Weaver jogging through the streets of classic 80s London, only for a car bomb to go off just beside her - leading to almost no reaction, no investigation and no stopping for a witness statement. Dunno what thats all about as I've been in the vicinity of a terror attack before and let me tell you - it gets a bloody reaction!

Weaver is Doctor Slaughter, which is a fantastic name, an intellectual who works for a Kuwaiti thinktank but is clearly frustrated at the lack of opportunity, people ripping her off and poverty row wages. At a flash work do, she meets a member of the 1%, engages in solid conversation with them and a mysterious video turns up in the post later extolling the virtues of the life of an escort girl.

Now, being an independent woman and quite able to look after herself, Weaver decides that this (somewhat grubby) life is something to be bent to her requirements and dives headlong into the world with a set of controls imposed by herself. She makes many friends and seems to be having it happy, especially once a rich pal (who likes to take photos of her topless on an exercise bike) offers her a move out of Notting Hill and into his spare flat on Half Moon Street. She naturally cannot turn down this pastel papered offer and moves straight in.

All very nice, you say, but WHERES THE CAINE??

Ah, well he's a man with an important job in Westminster dealing with defence and brokering peace deals in the Middle East. He's all over the news in the first 15 mins of this. 

With this busy life, he gets his jollies from call girls, so one night we find Weaver and Caine having drinks at his place, the next he'll see her at a function in her professional capacity. They clearly like one another, which turns to respect, which turns to love, which leads to him agreeing to slip his security detail (he's highly protected and surveyed by the security forces) and spend time with her at Half Moon Street.

Then the thriller strand of the plot begins.....

I'm not sure about this film. It was an amenable enough way to spend 90 mins, but by god this may be the first thing I've seen Caine in where he's literally reeling the lines off and not engaging at all with the material. Phoning it in would at least require picking up the phone and dialing the number - he's not even mustered the energy for that. 

No pointing, no shouting, no spark of MC magic, nothing.

Very disappointed in our man, very disappointed. And bear in mind some of the crap we've sat through in pursuit of the Noble Cause here.

Strong 'tache game though, I'll give him that, strong 'tache game.

Minutae.

1 - Milk Swigger. Straight from the bottle!

The man clearly don't give a fuck.

2 - This street shot is shown. So much to drink in, much like guzzling direct from a bottle of dairies finest.

A buttery?? We don't see them in town any more!

Mismatched street furniture heights - and they've got single pane glass doors? Never seen an old phone box with those before.

That lurid green car at the back there - strong colouring

Somewhat bizarre parking system on the top left? Contraflow parking? Looks.........unusual.

Also - the car parked in the bottom right hand side? Whats it doing there, of all places? Between the phone boxes and tree, off the pavement, but seemingly not in a parking space?

Sorry, but we can go right down the rabbit hole with this stuff.

3 - She has PORKPIE for a landlord!! I want Porkpie as my landlord!!

4 - I did laugh at the hasty cut n sellotape job on the picture establishing Caines left credentials

Outfit of the film: Without a doubt the character introduction, where The Mans moustache and jumper combo wins over my heart, let alone the call girls!

"This is it. I love this place" - 1978 Interview

We open with a view of the LA from up in the hills, some nicely smooth yet threatening jazzy vibes, a delicate German voiceover begins and we zoom into the Hollywood hills sign.


Slowly, very slowly, a limo crawls up the road. It pauses........the door opens........out steps The Boy looking fantastic in a sharp leather jacket (possibly the same one from The Hand?), architectural hair, and classic Caine glasses.


The interview commences. Except we've German being bellowed over the top and can't hear a bloody word, except for a small sentence in the middle.


Interview done, he turns, says goodbye and heads back to the limo, returning to the upper reaches of Mount Olympus.


Shame we haven't a clue what he says, but nevertheless - 10/10 for Purest Caine.

Deadfall (1968)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: No

Hair: No

Does he point at someone?: Yes


Best Line: "He doesn't have to like it, he's a philosopher"

Deadfall........a long remembered film for us at Caineology, mainly due to strong memory of having it recorded on a video many years ago and the tape running out about an hour in, post heist. Yes, kids, this used to happen all of the time.  You had to work for your film viewings back then - especially if the film was due to be shown after the late night golf and ended up being cancelled due to the golf overrunning. I mean, what is more important - seeing the finale to the golf being played out or my being able to watch Horror Hospital at 11.55 on a Saturday night on BBC2?  Purest white heat outrage when they did that, I tell you. I think my splenetic ravings awoke Mrs Caineology in the next room. But I digress.


Now, in our minds, Deadfall was a great heist film full of sunny med vibes, a languid atmosphere and cool 68 threads. And it is, lets not get that wrong, but then we watched the other hour of the film........


Our Man plays a brilliant cat burglar, currently working on a big job by getting himself into a boozers drying out clinic and becoming friendly with a member of the local super rich. Whilst there, an approach is made from a seductive wife of another, older, jewel thief proposing a partnership/proxy job.


After some deliberation between parties, they agree to work together and pull a warm up job before the main act, played out in a rather fantastic 20 mins of live concert (John Barry conducting! I think he still had the same suit on when I saw him conduct at the South Bank around ten years ago) intercut with the robbery being carried out, scored by the music shown on screen. Superb cinema and certainly our strongest memory of the film that carried across the years. Lets leave aside the slightly absurd method of getting on that windowsill, the "Deadfall" itself, which would either:


1 - Tear your arms from your sockets, or.........
2 - Leave you in a broken legged sobbing mess waiting for the security to arrive, or.......
3 - both of the above.


Great - and then onto the second hour, which manages to highlight why having a strong sequence like this in the middle of a heist film isn't always the best idea as the film runs flat almost straight afterwards and turns into a domestic drama/sordid secrets/mind games film, but a really bloody tedious one.


By god it needed something in the second half. Something. I can take slow film, I can take vibin' over action, I'm really quite happy to let lush scenery and fashion wash over me........but this one was really testing my patience - and we rarely, if ever, switch a film off halfway through. We've never sit through half this crap on our boys CV if we did.


So - watch the first hour, pretend the film finishes there. Maybe prior to the old boy turning up at the beach house. Thats about 75 mins worth of decent film right there.




Minutae


1 - Whats with all the seagulls? Solarised ones, cuts to them at random moments, shots of them screeching about the place. Maybe they mean something? Symbolism, man, symbolism.


2 - This film was apparently a £1,000,000 job but ended up looking about as costly as an episode of The Persuaders. Actually, I could see our Roger doing this one.


3 - Michael Caine dressed as a matador attempting to seduce a woman whilst holding a sausage on a stick.

4 - Strikingly, this film seems to share a lot with Caines other 1968 entry "The Magus" which I actually prefer of the two. And going by the rep that one has, that should tell you something. It seems as though they were done under contract to 20th Century Fox - but the boy had no memory of signing the contract and nor did his agent. The swinging sixties to blame there, I think. Perhaps that explains his general somnambulistic approach to the proceedings in both?


5 - Its night. Its dark. You are about to scale and burgle an enormous house next to a main road and a seemingly busy river. What do you choose to wear for this?

 Beige turtleneck, beige slacks, beige shoes.

Blending with the sandstone building, I suppose? Theres a reason ninjas wear black, mate, theres a reason. But then the classic burglar top is breton stripes, so who knows?

Speaking of which

5 - you've taken the time to sneak into the place, drug the dogs and carefully plan it for when the owners are out and the security is eating their dinner. At night. In silence.

So what do you do when the safe proves awkward?

 

Get a hammer and chisel.

Beat the utter shit out of the wall.

 

Remove safe and lug it across the courtyard.


How much noise did that make?


I mean, 10/10 for effort, Mike, but 1/10 for the victims not realising they've been turned over and allowing clear getaway, fencing the goods and erasing suspicion time.




Outfit of the film: Plenty of sharp suits in great colours and cuts. So much to choose from, so lets go for this casual light lunch ensemble