The Last Valley (1971)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Yes

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory

The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.

So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?

I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.

Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.

 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.

2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM

COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS

In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!

Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.

Pulp (1972)

Glasses: Yes.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes


Best line (narrated): "Her tongue went deep. It was alive, wet and very shocking. I had visions of refuelling in space."

Before starting, let us state something. As far as we are concerned, this film has the definitive 70s Caine look in it. DEFINITIVE. Right?

That out of the way, we can move on.

Pulp - the same team that brought us Get Carter, that rightly lauded classic, goes further into the rabbit hole and is a love letter to pulp crime fiction as a whole, rather than a pulp crime novel turned into a film.

Caine plays Mickey King, a writer of pulp novels under a variety of pen names, living in Malta and generally trying to get on with his mid life crisis, gets an assignment to ghost write an autobiography of a retired film star (Mickey Rooney), who was rumoured to have had mob connections back in the day.

Having decided to take this assignment (Caine turn down cash? I mean really?) he then finds that life begins to imitate his fiction in ways he never could have expected, when people start turning up dead around him and a long buried mystery is uncovered.

Now, this film has everything going for it - people, place, time, fashion, the lot. But, and this is the third time I've seen it, it just doesn't really hang together right.

Frustrating as this is a film that we should love here at Fortress Mickelwhite, being lovers of sunny locales, early 70s fashions, pulp novels of all creeds and euro crime, but it just doesn't happen.

Of course, that doesn't mean we won't be watching it again in future, attempting to unlock it and love it. Oh no.

Suspicion about this lies in the tone of the film. For the first 20 mins or so, its a very very broad slapstick comedy and puts you in this mood, then the mystery continues in a similar tone, lowered a little and really, the final crime when revealed is one that's so brutal and nasty that it just doesn't sit with the preceding knockabout and carved ham that went before it.

A shame, but it is what it is. Had so much going for it (Caines narration is spot on perfect), but fumbles it towards the end and doesn't recover.

However, it does recover some points for the frankly gorgeous décor on display. Watching the film to soak up some of that is probably worthwhile in itself.

Minutae:

1: Amongst the various characters that appear, a beautifully waspish Dennis Price turns up, quoting Alice in Wonderland and being a true example to us all.

Now Dennis would have been deep into the bottle at this point, with Pulp coming between Tower of Evil (yes!) and a Jess Franco, but he still knows how to steal a scene dammit.

(note bloody mary)

Dennis - I would say dearly missed, but to be honest, you tend to crop up in at least one film a week that I watch.

2: The book titles and author names.

Very well done, the pastiche of pulp conventions from the era is spot on.

3: Dignity shredding dance breakout

Of course, this is before the 1980s when, as we all know, our Mike had no dignity at all in films. (See: just about any film tagged 1980s on this blog)

Outfit of the film: Well, he only wears one, but its a cracker.

I once strolled through Florence dressed like this, except my white suit has a thin navy pinstripe and I was wearing a hat.

In my head, I looked like this (or Klaus in Fitzcarraldo), but in reality I looked a right tosser.

Silver Bears (1978)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Oh yes. Yes, indeed.

Best Line: "CHOW MY ARSE"

Unlike many of his contemporaries, our MC can actually pull of a convincing comedy turn, this film being a good example of a lightweight Sunday afternoon affair where we all know its all gonna turn out okay in the end.

MC plays "Doc Fletcher" a mob finances man who convinces his boss that buying a Swiss bank to launder dirty money is a workable idea. When the motley crew of Caine, Jay Leno (!) as the bosses son and a minder/forger/heavy type find out that it's not going to be as easy as all that. 

Eventually, they get stuck into a swindle of importing dodgy silver and everyones double crossing each other, fine friends are made, cigars are chuffed and theres even a bit of a romantic storyline in there too. Wonderful - just the job for when you are laying about and can't be bothered reaching for the Zulu DVD. 

Thats not damning it with faint praise, just summing up the scenario for optimum viewing conditions. Imagine it as a semi sequel to the Italian Job, with Croaker ten years later, and you've got it.

Good mix of locations - the film dots from America, to Geneva, to Persia, via London and back.

Great cast too, all taking it in the right spirit and scene stealing from one another. Prime fashion, good backdrops, entertaining storyline and Cybil Shepherd looking quite stunning. 

What more you want from a Caine deep cut, eh?

1 - The points. Oh the points. This may be the record film for sheer volume of points going on.

(Literally the first scene he's in)

(Note the jaunty look on Senior Caines face.)

Even Louis Jourdan gets in on the act.....

(Caine taken aback at being on the receiving end of a point for once)

.........as does David Warner.

(wonderfully done, this one. a graceful point.)

2 - Caine will seduce you

But he will not, repeat NOT, dance with you

(note disdain)

3 - At one point a scene jumps to Leadenhall Market in London. Behold, the pub in the background? Thats the Lamb and was the Birthplace of Caineology and is our office space.

4 - Another drunken turn. Underplayed, but fun. Good show Sir.

(very rare whiskey bottle middle finger clutching point)

Outfit of the film. Leaving aside the fact that Karl Lagerfeld apparently had a hand in costuming (?!), its a good film for threads. This be the pick of many choices