Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.

The Fourth Protocol (1987)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Restrained

Does he point at someone?: Yes, see below.


Best line: "Acting Head, Sunshine. And if you ask me, you're acting like a complete arsehole!"

The Fourth Protocol. A Frederick Forsyth. Another spy film. Another one! Caine must have had easy selection in this genre, I suppose. In the same way I suppose someone like Connery would always have a role available in the spy genre if he chose to. Speaking of Bonds, this ones also got future 007 Brosnan in it, as a cold good looking utterly ruthless Russian agent.

Apparently, this one came about through Caine reading the manuscript and suggesting to FF that they produce the film together, then the money didn't happen so they passed the project on to other directors, confirming our suspicion that Caine must love spy stories as he seems to spend a lot of time in them.

Its standard cold war fare really. Russians, bombs, passing of secrets, "the old boys on both sides get along really", tight arses in charge, our man out hunting for the agent, so if you want a 1980s spy/terrorist film set around London and consisting of the normal set pieces for this sort of "THERES A RUSKI LOOSE WITH A NUKE!!" scenario, this is well worth your time.

Upper end of the scale. Not too bleak, not too light, fairly action packed and some good "corridors of power" scenes. Plus theres a bit of SAS action, which is always a plus. Sorta similar to Jackal, I suppose.

Good score too. Was enjoying greatly when the credits were rolling at the outset and the name came up........Lalo Schifrin. Say no more! I know Morricone is the boss there, but I actually prefer Schifrin of the two.




1. Straight in, first appearance and we've got a rat arsed Caine to contend with. Classic.

(Peter O'Toole just out of shot, probably)

Hammered, pure hammered.........or is he?

Excellent character introduction, most excellent. Well played all.

2 - A traditional bollocking. It seems as though in all of his spy films, Caine gets dragged in for a bollocking by his superiors. Well, assumed superiors. This one, he's less nonplussed than Harry was and willing to give it back (see: best line)

Some fine pointing in this scene. Some fine ragin' at The Man whilst prowling the room. Some fine glassy eyed howls of torment.

 

 

(Julian Glover visibly shaken)

A lesson from the master in how to rachet it up to 11 on demand.

Of course, Caine then does what we all do after leaving work in an irritable mood and gets into a punch up on the tube home.

Lesson - Do not be a thug on the tube when the following people are on board reading the newspaper:

1 - Charles Bronson

2 - Michael Caine

3 - TBC

3 - How'd you like your jackets? Puffy?

4 - Pierce Brosnan is a dick.

Getting a female agent drunk whilst she's supposed to be working:

Seducing your wife whilst you are at the bar getting him a drink:

 

 Spying on your wife:

Spying on his local swinger party:

 

 

 

 

 Posing in his XR3i

Yes, I know he's supposed to be a calculating killer of the coldest coldest blood, but does he have to be so much of a prick about it?

4 - Theres a lot of Ipcressian touches in this film, mainly based around use of locations and nods to scenes from the earlier film. Nice little gesture and not showy.

5 - This film contains both the old model and the new model transit van.

 

I don't know why that makes me happy, but it does.

 So, a good story, plenty of plotting going on, good performances, a gorgeous looking London and a plethora of minutae = a bit of winner

.

Outfit of the film. Turtlenecks, turtlenecks all the way down.

The Island (1980)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "How many Dads give their kids an air crash? Right?"

One of the great joys of Caineology is the fact that due to the mans relentless dismissal of anything resembling quality control, you really don't know what you will be getting when the film begins. And Michael, Oh Michael, what made you read this and think "seems reasonable. Yes, sign me up" *points at agent*??

From the poster and the little I knew, I thought that we'd be getting an aquatic slasher film (struggling for suitable puns here, can only think of "Shalloween" which is shite) and to be fair, the opening of the film does establish this idea very well with an effective opening gore scene and our Man MC playing a journalist who notices that a large number of boats have been going missing in the Carribean, so decides to go down that way to investigate and is accompanied by his 12 year old son, for some spurious reason. 


He's a divorced Dad, so I suppose some quality time together seemed like a good idea. Plentiful "don't tell yr mother" style lines of humour abound.

After some more asking about in Florida, it seems that the only way to really find out whats happening is to get out to the islands and continue work there, so they accompany a cargo plane on a trip.

For some reason, when being written out, this sounds a bit Zombie Flesh Eaters plot? Kid aside.

CUE MASSIVE FIREY PLANE CRASH AND IMMOLATION

All bets are off now and this film goes utterly batshit mental. Being stranded on an island for a couple of days (not yet The Island), Father and Son get some Father and Son quality time together with a bit of fishing, so hire a boat.

Then the pirates turn up from The Island and not just modern day pirates, but 17th century Pirates cut off from modern society and talking in a made up language, dressed in the classic garb and living in wattle & daub huts, no less. Seriously.

Caine guns one dead (1-0 civilisation) but falls and is knocked unconscious, only to wake in their clutches and be led around on a lead like a chimp, sexed by a saucy blonde and forced to watch his son being brainwashed against him by some slumming thespians. 

Can he get free? Can he save his son? Will civilised man triumph over the barbarians? Will Caine mention this film in polite society ever again?

Problem with this film? Its too long for a start. Chop it down to a 90 mins and it might be more fun, but theres a long drag to some scenes. Don't scrimp on that jellyfish attack though. The joy of watching Caine thrashing about acting being attacked by a rubber jellyfish was worth the £4.50 inc post I paid.

But.........there is more............

1 - We get our first appearance of Sir Michael in what looks like New York, but is it Gotham City?

This leads one to consider, if this is Gotham......then is this Alfred in his younger days? That would explain quite a lot about some of the happenings later on.

2 - Whilst driving along and being nagged by his Son, the boy decides that he really really REALLY wants a gift. So, instead of a clip around the ear for being a needy little, Caine buys  him a GUN?!?! Is that normal in Florida? Best of all, they try it out at the range, seeming to shoot David Johansen alikes for fun. Damned hippies.

3 - Caine, for seeming no real reason other than wanting to, bludgeons the shit out of a Barracuda with a stick. And this is before the pirates turn up.

4 - This film is stuffed with the cream of jobbing British actors, and it is always a pleasure to spend cinematic time in the company of Dudley Sutton. Much love for Mr Sutton here upon the heights of Mt Mickelwhite. 

Here, he plays a typically restrained underplayed role

5 - Midway through the film, theres a boarding action upon a yuppie yacht. Now this seemingly polite fellow......

(reading his copy of Alien)

.......turns out be a bonafide KARATE MAN of the classical sense and tries to fight them off, one by one, complete with crazy eye and Bruce Lee noises. He fails, valiantly.

6 - Later on, there is a second raid but this time upon a much bigger target....a US naval gunship. As the raid begins, one of the pirates is determined to stand out from the crowd and  really leave an impression.......

Bravo, sir, bravo. Man of the film.

7 - Amongst all of these goings on the film does really drag for long stretches at a time. During one, I was beginning to yawn and look at the clock.....

......then BOOM!! CAINE MACHINE GUN MASSACRE!!

Beautiful, just beautiful.

As the film ends, it seems that MC is left stranded in the Caribbean.......So, if he's not Alfred, then perhaps this is how Hoagie ended up in the tropics, drinking, gambling and living out his days?

Outfit of the film - In the midst of sweaty gun lovers, our man cuts an upper crust of class amongst the tight t-shirts.

(note the disdain)

And on that, we shall leave the final words to Mr Caine.