Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

 

Best Line: Too many to mention. See #1.

The Man Who Would Be King.......a cornerstone of Mount Mickelwhite and in our humble opinion, one of the greatest films made. So all hope of this being an objective review is straight off from the start. A perfect film, made at the right time with the right people, and the Connery/Caine pairing finds these two at the very peak of their powers and playing off one another superbly.

Set in1882 India, the film tells the tale of Daniel Dravot (Connery) and Peachy Carnehan (Caine), two English (oh Sean, no wonder you look pissed off for half the film) ex army sergeant rogues and gentleman who decide that India is too small for them, so set off on an adventure into Kafiristan, to be crowned kings and to make their fortunes. A true ripping yarn, if ever there was one, as we follow them on this quest.

The underlying key to this film is the nature of it really being about friendship and when they are together, they can do anything, but if the cracks appear between them.......then all may be lost. A perfect story and really theres no "skip" bit of this one, its all good from beginning to end.

Although, with it being so manly, you'll probably need to shave by the end of the film as it promotes testosterone production in all those who view. Take heed.

Apparently John Huston had been trying to make the film for the best part of 20 years, with various pairings being mooted over time, but the project taking as long as it ensured it was done correctly. (although I think the proposed Burton and O'Toole pairing may have been meritorious)

Now if you'll excuse us, we have business at Malware Junction.........


#1 - There is a plethora, a veritable horde, an embarrassing amount of "best lines" in this film making it impossible to choose one. Some choice picks:

"We're going to teach you soldiering, the worlds noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilised men."

"Not Gods - Englishmen. The next best thing."

"Not for us, thank you. Not after watching Afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the officers have copped it."

"Well if a Greek can do it, we can do it"



#2 - The Contract. or "Contrak"

Prior to setting out, Danny and Peachy sign a contract binding one another to the adventure ahead and to ensure things are done properly.

1 - That you and me will settle this thing together. i.e to be Kings of Kafiristan
2 - No liquor, no women
3 - Conduct ourselves with dignity and discretion, and if one gets into trouble, the other will stay by him.

All legally signed and witnessed, to make things above board. Connery drinks his last with savour

 (note "Contrak")

3 - HATS ON!

4 - Later, when temptation arises (as it normally does in these sorts of scenarios), it leads to a wonderful exchange between our two heroes:

"Danny, lets go find safety in battle."

Which they duly do in the redcoats, no less! This makes total sense seeing as they are proud ex soldiers of classical British imperial pomp.It may be a dusty bowl in the depths of the middle east, but this is an army led by British gentlemen.

5 - The indignant faces of Sean Connery

Luckily, our Daniel is a charmer or he'd a right grumpy sod, even by Connery standards. Who, as we all know, does a fine line in indignant pride, leading to the wonderfully defiant "CUT, YOU BUGGERS!!" line.

Outfit of the film: A plethora of choices here, with the redcoat very nearly taking it, but I was rather taken with this raffish "fur bonnet, scarf over the shoulder, rustic chic" effort Caine effortlessly pulls off.