The Magus (1968)

 

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "And you're the director....."

The Magus........now this one carries a rep, hated by all who made it, all who saw it, and just about everyone. "If I lived my life again, I'd do everything exactly the same, with the exception of watching The Magus." once said Woody Allen some years back. Although, I expect if you asked him today, he'd probably revise that statement.

Somewhat of a companion piece to Deadfall - another med vibin', Caine regretting, 68 film of low repute, I can confirm that on the second watch of this, its not good. Its not good at all. I've read The Magus, and I quite liked it, but this film makes me look over towards my copy of the highly regarded Fowles novel and think "is it actually that good?", such is the effect this film has on the plot contained within.

Plot - well, its batshit, isn't it? Utterly bizarre, random, madness of a page turner......CAINEOLOGY NECTAR, frankly.

Sort summary, thus, Caine plays a bored listless chap, who throws it in with his previous life and runs away to Greece to become an English teacher on a small island, where he encounters a strange older gentleman who really enjoys playing mind game and slowly draws Caine into his web, whereupon the blurring of reality, unreality, life and past life becomes mixed and enmeshed in a series of ever increasingly odd events. Is this real, or is it fake? Did this happen, or is it staged? Are they who they say they are, or are they acting? 

Now, in the novel, you just don't know, and as the pages turn, so does the twists. In the film, this manifests itself rather poorly, I'm afraid, where if you were to take things at face value, you'd end up laughing, were it not so achingly plodding and dull throughout.

Caine..........well, he's not having a good time in this and seems to wear the same face throughout. I suppose he's playing jaded, but its not good. Which is a handy one line summary of the film......

The ending cuts off in a different place too? Maybe because I've read the revised version, which did have a cracker of an ending, but the film just..............stops.

Shame, as it could have been so good. The Italians would have made a much better job of this.

SO.......

1. It dawned on me that this could be read as an Alfie 2 - think about it, at the end of Alfie, we're left with the lad himself, pondering his life and loves, along with what to do next. Roll on to The Magus and we're back with Alfie, who's lucked out and living with a French air hostess, but still disturbed by his recent experiences. He then decides to leave it all and head to Greece for an escape, where, being Alfie, he can't help following the birds and being who he is. All it needs is some fourth wall addresses and we'd be there!

 

2. Some schoolboys playing football in the playground, as schoolboys will do. 

Ball bounces over to Caine.

What does he do?

Sky it over the wall. 

Arsehole.

3. As all wargamers know, NEVER EVER THINK "anything but a one". 

(you fail your break test, Mr Urfe)

Caine, clearly not a wargamer.

4. TRIGGER!!

5. Finally, some Caine action we can get behind. During an Ipcress-esque "dream" sequence, the chap runs up and starts trashing about a bull whip, destroying some voyeur footage of his current love.

Wonderful, but alas too little, too late. That expression is the same one he wears for the WHOLE FILM.

Best Dressed - Black rollneck, sharp jacket, putting the moves on Anna Karina. Nice.

Whats it all about?

The Jigsaw Man (1983)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "Good god! Bangers! How I've missed them......"

I've had enough of crap spy films from the 1980s starring Michael Caine. How many did he fucking make? Sometimes theres a good one, but in the main they are bloody dire and there always seems to be another one cropping up on the watchlist.

So......after that bit of spleen, The Jigsaw Man. Its not very good, frankly. Its a poorly made film, its a poorly scripted film and its really not worth bothering with, if you want something interesting to watch.

However..........

If you like the bizarre shit that Caine would sometimes find himself doing in pursuit of a wage, then this has a lot of good stuff. Watch once for the "eh?" and never again. Life Tip - never watch Bullseye for the "eh?". Just don't watch it at all.

Soooooooo, Caine plays a British defector who is living it out in Moscow or somewhere and has been for many years. Now, he's quite a famed defector, so the trenchcoats on both sides have been keeping tabs on him. This scene is truly truly bizarre as Caines voice has been dubbed onto another actor - poorly - as he's supposed to be "remade" as Caine a bit later.

First fuckin' scene and we're asked to believe that Caines voice on someone else is okay. I mean, its not as if MICHAEL CAINES VOICE isn't one of his most distinctive elements, is it? Just doesn't work at all.

Caine is sent on a mission back to the UK, for the usual spy reasons, but suspects he's gonna be bumped off by the KGB, so counter defects when in the UK and then does a runner. He's still got family and friends kicking about, so he's off to see them and try to get hold of some information he's stashed away in the past that he can use as a pawn to set himself up royally.

We then have Larry Olivier as a grumpy bastard ex colleague of Caines who is in charge of the affair giving chase.

Thats kind of it really. Theres some side plot with Caines family - Susan George acting as both his daughter and his wife. Yes, you read that right. Robert Powell as the daughters boyfriend who is actually a spy. And then theres the ever wonderful Charles Gray stealing most of the film out from under people.

Good cast, decent music (John Cameron!), Good London settings (plus Amersham), Good era..........but a pretty dreadful film. Freddie Francis is in there too, listed among the credits.

Bit of a Sunday Afternooner, when theres nothing else doing and can't be arsed to move.

Right............the observations.

1 - The training/makeover montage. I think, possibly the finest one I've ever seen. Rocky might have had Stallone climbing mountains in the USSR, but we've got a portly Caine in a superb tracky top

2 - Post surgery, pre workout, he's bloody Vader without the mask on!

3 - Charles Gray stealing the film. Sorry, but he does. Playing a fellow high level spy chief who's disdain for all is well and truly to the shore.........

............whether snootily going through the dinner options and dismissing them.

 ......playing country squire and shotgunning squirrels.......

 .......or wearing a bald wig and propositioning Robert Powell in the bathroom whilst drinking wine and wearing a dressing gown.

 Charles, we salute you heartily.

 4. JUDO CHOP

5. Charles Gray finds himself, in turn, by a more subtle scene steal. In a rather tense "I'm the power in this room" meeting between two department heads, the dog steals the show, much to my delight!

Passing casually between two pieces of furniture, in the background, right at the key line. A masterclass.

6. ANOTHER JUDO CHOP

Look at the agony on that chaps face. That training montage wasn't a waste of time after all!

7. Vauxhall Cavaliers blazing around the countryside at top speed, burning it all up and causing havoc. 

Reminds me of being a bored young man in the back of one of those, ripping around farmers fields and almost getting killed when we hit a hidden dip.

Outfit of the film: Oh god, the tracksuit. The Tracksuit.

The Last Valley (1971)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Yes

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory

The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.

So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?

I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.

Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.

 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.

2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM

COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS

In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!

Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.

Pulp (1972)

Glasses: Yes.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes


Best line (narrated): "Her tongue went deep. It was alive, wet and very shocking. I had visions of refuelling in space."

Before starting, let us state something. As far as we are concerned, this film has the definitive 70s Caine look in it. DEFINITIVE. Right?

That out of the way, we can move on.

Pulp - the same team that brought us Get Carter, that rightly lauded classic, goes further into the rabbit hole and is a love letter to pulp crime fiction as a whole, rather than a pulp crime novel turned into a film.

Caine plays Mickey King, a writer of pulp novels under a variety of pen names, living in Malta and generally trying to get on with his mid life crisis, gets an assignment to ghost write an autobiography of a retired film star (Mickey Rooney), who was rumoured to have had mob connections back in the day.

Having decided to take this assignment (Caine turn down cash? I mean really?) he then finds that life begins to imitate his fiction in ways he never could have expected, when people start turning up dead around him and a long buried mystery is uncovered.

Now, this film has everything going for it - people, place, time, fashion, the lot. But, and this is the third time I've seen it, it just doesn't really hang together right.

Frustrating as this is a film that we should love here at Fortress Mickelwhite, being lovers of sunny locales, early 70s fashions, pulp novels of all creeds and euro crime, but it just doesn't happen.

Of course, that doesn't mean we won't be watching it again in future, attempting to unlock it and love it. Oh no.

Suspicion about this lies in the tone of the film. For the first 20 mins or so, its a very very broad slapstick comedy and puts you in this mood, then the mystery continues in a similar tone, lowered a little and really, the final crime when revealed is one that's so brutal and nasty that it just doesn't sit with the preceding knockabout and carved ham that went before it.

A shame, but it is what it is. Had so much going for it (Caines narration is spot on perfect), but fumbles it towards the end and doesn't recover.

However, it does recover some points for the frankly gorgeous décor on display. Watching the film to soak up some of that is probably worthwhile in itself.

Minutae:

1: Amongst the various characters that appear, a beautifully waspish Dennis Price turns up, quoting Alice in Wonderland and being a true example to us all.

Now Dennis would have been deep into the bottle at this point, with Pulp coming between Tower of Evil (yes!) and a Jess Franco, but he still knows how to steal a scene dammit.

(note bloody mary)

Dennis - I would say dearly missed, but to be honest, you tend to crop up in at least one film a week that I watch.

2: The book titles and author names.

Very well done, the pastiche of pulp conventions from the era is spot on.

3: Dignity shredding dance breakout

Of course, this is before the 1980s when, as we all know, our Mike had no dignity at all in films. (See: just about any film tagged 1980s on this blog)

Outfit of the film: Well, he only wears one, but its a cracker.

I once strolled through Florence dressed like this, except my white suit has a thin navy pinstripe and I was wearing a hat.

In my head, I looked like this (or Klaus in Fitzcarraldo), but in reality I looked a right tosser.