Pulp (1972)

Glasses: Yes.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes


Best line (narrated): "Her tongue went deep. It was alive, wet and very shocking. I had visions of refuelling in space."

Before starting, let us state something. As far as we are concerned, this film has the definitive 70s Caine look in it. DEFINITIVE. Right?

That out of the way, we can move on.

Pulp - the same team that brought us Get Carter, that rightly lauded classic, goes further into the rabbit hole and is a love letter to pulp crime fiction as a whole, rather than a pulp crime novel turned into a film.

Caine plays Mickey King, a writer of pulp novels under a variety of pen names, living in Malta and generally trying to get on with his mid life crisis, gets an assignment to ghost write an autobiography of a retired film star (Mickey Rooney), who was rumoured to have had mob connections back in the day.

Having decided to take this assignment (Caine turn down cash? I mean really?) he then finds that life begins to imitate his fiction in ways he never could have expected, when people start turning up dead around him and a long buried mystery is uncovered.

Now, this film has everything going for it - people, place, time, fashion, the lot. But, and this is the third time I've seen it, it just doesn't really hang together right.

Frustrating as this is a film that we should love here at Fortress Mickelwhite, being lovers of sunny locales, early 70s fashions, pulp novels of all creeds and euro crime, but it just doesn't happen.

Of course, that doesn't mean we won't be watching it again in future, attempting to unlock it and love it. Oh no.

Suspicion about this lies in the tone of the film. For the first 20 mins or so, its a very very broad slapstick comedy and puts you in this mood, then the mystery continues in a similar tone, lowered a little and really, the final crime when revealed is one that's so brutal and nasty that it just doesn't sit with the preceding knockabout and carved ham that went before it.

A shame, but it is what it is. Had so much going for it (Caines narration is spot on perfect), but fumbles it towards the end and doesn't recover.

However, it does recover some points for the frankly gorgeous décor on display. Watching the film to soak up some of that is probably worthwhile in itself.

Minutae:

1: Amongst the various characters that appear, a beautifully waspish Dennis Price turns up, quoting Alice in Wonderland and being a true example to us all.

Now Dennis would have been deep into the bottle at this point, with Pulp coming between Tower of Evil (yes!) and a Jess Franco, but he still knows how to steal a scene dammit.

(note bloody mary)

Dennis - I would say dearly missed, but to be honest, you tend to crop up in at least one film a week that I watch.

2: The book titles and author names.

Very well done, the pastiche of pulp conventions from the era is spot on.

3: Dignity shredding dance breakout

Of course, this is before the 1980s when, as we all know, our Mike had no dignity at all in films. (See: just about any film tagged 1980s on this blog)

Outfit of the film: Well, he only wears one, but its a cracker.

I once strolled through Florence dressed like this, except my white suit has a thin navy pinstripe and I was wearing a hat.

In my head, I looked like this (or Klaus in Fitzcarraldo), but in reality I looked a right tosser.

Blue Ice (1992)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "The person who owns that car will be upset? The person who owns this car is BLOODY FURIOUS!" 

Blue Ice, yet ANOTHER spy related film in Caines oeuvre. He must just really like spy novels or something, as on this one he appears to have put up some of his own money (earning a Producer credit) instead of doing the normal and, you know, just turning up for a fat pay cheque and funding a new pond or something.

London based, seemingly filmed all around Borough and London Bridge areas (nice location for this sort of thing), in extremely 90s dry ice heavy fashion, with an appalling Michael Kamen score and lots of moody lighting. A lot of Edward Hopper like mise-en-scene in this one, which is no bad thing really.

Caine plays Harry Palmer Anders, a retired spy who now runs a jazz club and spends his days involved in The Jazz and all that comes with it. One day, his tasty Jag Mk2 is rear ended by a mysterious seductive woman who carries a secret and which leads him back down the rabbit hole of ye olde spy business. You know - the normal state of affairs for this kind of film. 

This ends up with the American embassy, a group of assassins who appear to drive around in a post office van (??), Caines old firm and the police all wanting a piece of him. When, really, all he wants is a fling with Sean Young, to do his ironing in his tasteful apartment above his club and to spend his evenings immersed in The Jazz. 

And who could blame him?

This film carries heavy Harry Palmer associations, from the London setting, to Caine really pulling out the Harry tricks, to an utterly utterly mental drug induced interrogation scene (ala Ipcress File). This is before they went the whole hog and brought back Harry P for those pair of 90s films.

Not bad, but not hugely great either. A solid 6/10 effort. Not as entertaining as I remember it being back in the 90s when I first saw it (around the same time as Shock To The System) 

Still, if you want to kick back late night with a J&B (as I did) and enjoy a passable little thriller, than this is just the job.

Noticeable Things.

1. We have to start with Harrys tasteful club "Harrys" (imaginative!), which looks like  a perfect Valhalla to me.

 Humble from the outside.....

  ......Where the music flows.......

  ....Charlie Watts is the house drummer.....

 ........and you can get pints of bitter served to the table.

 (you cannot see the sheer ecstatic joy on Sean Youngs face here)

 2. There is an exact point in this film where, if you look, the seed of doubt is planted:

This is supposed to be the residence of the American ambassador. But look:

A circa '91 standard issue BT landline phone in hearing aid beige? In the ambassadors? 

Thats a giveaway about a wrong un, if ever I saw it.


3. Midway through the film, I thought there'd been a mistake as suddenly, it goes from a moody spy thriller into a full bore action gangster film? I honestly thought that another film had been spliced in by mistake:

We get men hurrying out from a building

Bob Hoskins, doing the full Bob Hoskins

Classic balaclava terrorists

High speed car chases

Drive-by M18 firefights

Big explosions

And Bob laying waste to all and sundry

None of which really seems to have anything to do with the main plot of the film, other than being a very elaborate way of Maurice getting a gun and taking part in that classic "prowl the warehouse, shooting wooden cut outs of criminals that pop out at random" scene.

4. This security van turns up. Now, if you grew up in Britain in the 90s, then shite security guards driving around in these style vans were de rigueur.

5. A frankly bizarre ending, which sees the main bad guy hoist into the air 'pon a hook, wildly firing a machine gun and screaming madly whilst gunfighting with Caine. Really.

6. Now, I know what you are thinking. "This is all very well, but where are the points?" Well, never let it be said that we don't give the two people that read this blog what they want:

We get pointing at a car

Pointing during the middle of a fight

Pointing at a fish, interrupting Young mid line to throw this point.

Pointing over breakfast. (breakfast not in shot)

Outfit of the film: It has to be the basic, casual, white shirt he wears for cooking in his rather cool flat. I'd live there. Its crumpled, rolled up at the sleeves, but the boy wears it well.

You smooth bastard.

And it ends with a champagne toast. Cheers!

Silver Bears (1978)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Oh yes. Yes, indeed.

Best Line: "CHOW MY ARSE"

Unlike many of his contemporaries, our MC can actually pull of a convincing comedy turn, this film being a good example of a lightweight Sunday afternoon affair where we all know its all gonna turn out okay in the end.

MC plays "Doc Fletcher" a mob finances man who convinces his boss that buying a Swiss bank to launder dirty money is a workable idea. When the motley crew of Caine, Jay Leno (!) as the bosses son and a minder/forger/heavy type find out that it's not going to be as easy as all that. 

Eventually, they get stuck into a swindle of importing dodgy silver and everyones double crossing each other, fine friends are made, cigars are chuffed and theres even a bit of a romantic storyline in there too. Wonderful - just the job for when you are laying about and can't be bothered reaching for the Zulu DVD. 

Thats not damning it with faint praise, just summing up the scenario for optimum viewing conditions. Imagine it as a semi sequel to the Italian Job, with Croaker ten years later, and you've got it.

Good mix of locations - the film dots from America, to Geneva, to Persia, via London and back.

Great cast too, all taking it in the right spirit and scene stealing from one another. Prime fashion, good backdrops, entertaining storyline and Cybil Shepherd looking quite stunning. 

What more you want from a Caine deep cut, eh?

1 - The points. Oh the points. This may be the record film for sheer volume of points going on.

(Literally the first scene he's in)

(Note the jaunty look on Senior Caines face.)

Even Louis Jourdan gets in on the act.....

(Caine taken aback at being on the receiving end of a point for once)

.........as does David Warner.

(wonderfully done, this one. a graceful point.)

2 - Caine will seduce you

But he will not, repeat NOT, dance with you

(note disdain)

3 - At one point a scene jumps to Leadenhall Market in London. Behold, the pub in the background? Thats the Lamb and was the Birthplace of Caineology and is our office space.

4 - Another drunken turn. Underplayed, but fun. Good show Sir.

(very rare whiskey bottle middle finger clutching point)

Outfit of the film. Leaving aside the fact that Karl Lagerfeld apparently had a hand in costuming (?!), its a good film for threads. This be the pick of many choices