Bullet to Beijing (1995)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: *as about to be thrown off a train* 

"You said you weren't a cruel man, Colonel. Can't we wait for a slow bit?"

Finally, The Return of Harry Palmer. 

We all knew it was coming at some point, but perhaps not in a made for TV film made back to back with its sequel...........Oh, Michael, really? Had things fallen this low??

Still, with the lowest of expectations, and ignoring that I've seen half of it about 20 years ago, in we go....

Harry is still doing much the same crappy jobs in the service that we first saw him doing in Ipcress all those years before, this time spying on the protesters outside of the North Korean embassy and getting involved in some action there when theres a bust up. 

Before we continue, let me point something out here. This films geography is all over the place if you even remotely know Londons layout. Judicious editing making huge swathes of the city join together and disappear around each corner. Very distracting. And if you've ever looked up the North Korean embassy, then you'll know that it don't look like this!

Afterwards, he's called into the office, gives a quick resume rundown for those who haven't seen a Palmer film before and promptly gets handed early retirement. By no less than PATRICK ALLEN as his boss. Oh yeah, Big Pats and his Big Voice is in this one for one of his esteemed cameos.

After getting a bit crappy about his retirement, the H is summoned to The Savoy and offered a decent paying job in Russia, so off we go for some Post Soviet sightseeing. That'll teach the bloody government. Sack him off and then insult him? Right, work for that lot I've been working against for all this time!

We then get some standard "virus has been stolen, you need to find it" plot, the usual fare. Jason Connery is introduced as a bit of stunt casting and then has some odd in-joke "son of a British Agent" banter as they find out the virus is on the train and all aboard THE BULLET TO BEIJING...........

Its not bad really, but its not great. Sorry, but I was baffled towards the end but theres enough injokes, sights, the gorgeous GORGEOUS Mia Sara and nods to Caines history to make it worthwhile, but this isn't high end cinema, is it? So don't expect it to be so.

Caine is in full Stella Street pomp throughout this, which makes things much enjoyable and makes up for Connery seemingly being made out of cardboard.

We get a Rick Wakeman soundtrack too..............which I'm still not convinced by, frankly.

Still, I think they probably should have left Harry where he was. You can't swim in the same river twice, after all.

1. This film starts in the best possible way and had me truly fired up.

Caines name displayed on top of a fuckin' VENOM poster!!!

YEAH!

2. Harry Palmer reads The Sun? 

I am very very disappointed. The Scum, of all papers. Could be the Mail or Express, I suppose, but still.

3. Cut Price Lenin Weird Am Dram Doing Pet Shop Boys Go West

4. The indignity of being pointed at!

5. White shells in a 12 bore? Not red?

Confused the shit out of me, that has. What are they - blanks? Salt?

6. Theres an Italian Job homage in there, for whatever reason.

Spy film homage I can understand, but the Self Preservation Society?? 

Outfit of the film: Blue on Blue, classic trenchcoat. On point. So to speak.

Bonus track - take a good look at this modern poster for the film. What a winner!

Noises Off (1992)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: NO.

I know nothing about this play, but it seems it was a huge success. Possibly, but I can't disagree with the dismal takings that this film version took ($12m budget, $2m box office) as this is a technically interesting film - the actors acting in very rapid fire fashion, the charging about set, the back and forth dialogue - but whereas on the stage this must have been a thrilling "is this about to go wrong?"...............on the screen, it just doesn't pass muster. 

We know they are edited. 

We know if they made a mistake, they'll halt and re-shoot. 

The suspension of disbelief just isn't strong enough.

Some stage plays get adapted and are very clearly a play, but work well (Sleuth, Deathtrap) but some are just too stagey to really work. I'm not a huge fan of farces either, to be frank. 

Not a good start.

Still, as the stressed director attempting to hold a cast, production and career together in the midst of preparing a play to open, Caine does very well. Very well indeed, and I suspect its a script that actors love, so there is that. Has some proper barking at people loudly outbursts which are always fun.

The technical aspects of the film, being broken into the same show but in varying viewpoints each time is also very good. 

Denholm Elliot is a wonder, as ever.

But thats about it. My notes make interesting reading as they start positive. Amused. Chuckling. Then "pretty tedious" appears about halfway through. My final note is "a load of crap" written as the credits rolled.

I stand by that. Sorry!

The double entendres don't really work. People walking around shouting SARDINES is amusing the third time. Perhaps not so much, the fortieth time.

Can't win 'em all. I was hoping for another Surrender. Even another Rio. I was hoping for a reasonable platter............. and I got handed a garage forecourt sandwich.

1. This shouldn't surprise me as its both Superman and its the middle of the shoulderpad era, but I found myself hypnotised by Christopher Reeves MASSIVE shoulders.

(Caine, mid exclaim)

2. I was starting to get bored, but the appearance of a bottle of J&B cheered me up no end. 

Ah, J&B, the giallo blend of choice. My dear friend.

3. Attempting to charm scantily clad women by bearing unsubtle phallic gifts.

We've all been there.

Outfit of the film: Bold striped shirt, open at the neck. Blue silk thin neck scarf. Turquoise casual jacket to relax in.