Wednesday 18 July 2018

The Last Valley (1971)



Glasses: No
Doing an Accent?: Yes
Accent for Whole Film?: Yes
Hair: Yes
Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory


The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.



So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?


I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.


Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.


 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.



2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM


COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS


In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!




Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.



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