The Jigsaw Man (1983)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "Good god! Bangers! How I've missed them......"

I've had enough of crap spy films from the 1980s starring Michael Caine. How many did he fucking make? Sometimes theres a good one, but in the main they are bloody dire and there always seems to be another one cropping up on the watchlist.

So......after that bit of spleen, The Jigsaw Man. Its not very good, frankly. Its a poorly made film, its a poorly scripted film and its really not worth bothering with, if you want something interesting to watch.

However..........

If you like the bizarre shit that Caine would sometimes find himself doing in pursuit of a wage, then this has a lot of good stuff. Watch once for the "eh?" and never again. Life Tip - never watch Bullseye for the "eh?". Just don't watch it at all.

Soooooooo, Caine plays a British defector who is living it out in Moscow or somewhere and has been for many years. Now, he's quite a famed defector, so the trenchcoats on both sides have been keeping tabs on him. This scene is truly truly bizarre as Caines voice has been dubbed onto another actor - poorly - as he's supposed to be "remade" as Caine a bit later.

First fuckin' scene and we're asked to believe that Caines voice on someone else is okay. I mean, its not as if MICHAEL CAINES VOICE isn't one of his most distinctive elements, is it? Just doesn't work at all.

Caine is sent on a mission back to the UK, for the usual spy reasons, but suspects he's gonna be bumped off by the KGB, so counter defects when in the UK and then does a runner. He's still got family and friends kicking about, so he's off to see them and try to get hold of some information he's stashed away in the past that he can use as a pawn to set himself up royally.

We then have Larry Olivier as a grumpy bastard ex colleague of Caines who is in charge of the affair giving chase.

Thats kind of it really. Theres some side plot with Caines family - Susan George acting as both his daughter and his wife. Yes, you read that right. Robert Powell as the daughters boyfriend who is actually a spy. And then theres the ever wonderful Charles Gray stealing most of the film out from under people.

Good cast, decent music (John Cameron!), Good London settings (plus Amersham), Good era..........but a pretty dreadful film. Freddie Francis is in there too, listed among the credits.

Bit of a Sunday Afternooner, when theres nothing else doing and can't be arsed to move.

Right............the observations.

1 - The training/makeover montage. I think, possibly the finest one I've ever seen. Rocky might have had Stallone climbing mountains in the USSR, but we've got a portly Caine in a superb tracky top

2 - Post surgery, pre workout, he's bloody Vader without the mask on!

3 - Charles Gray stealing the film. Sorry, but he does. Playing a fellow high level spy chief who's disdain for all is well and truly to the shore.........

............whether snootily going through the dinner options and dismissing them.

 ......playing country squire and shotgunning squirrels.......

 .......or wearing a bald wig and propositioning Robert Powell in the bathroom whilst drinking wine and wearing a dressing gown.

 Charles, we salute you heartily.

 4. JUDO CHOP

5. Charles Gray finds himself, in turn, by a more subtle scene steal. In a rather tense "I'm the power in this room" meeting between two department heads, the dog steals the show, much to my delight!

Passing casually between two pieces of furniture, in the background, right at the key line. A masterclass.

6. ANOTHER JUDO CHOP

Look at the agony on that chaps face. That training montage wasn't a waste of time after all!

7. Vauxhall Cavaliers blazing around the countryside at top speed, burning it all up and causing havoc. 

Reminds me of being a bored young man in the back of one of those, ripping around farmers fields and almost getting killed when we hit a hidden dip.

Outfit of the film: Oh god, the tracksuit. The Tracksuit.

Deathtrap (1982)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I woke up at the end of the line! .......BLOODY SYMBOLIC!"

Deathtrap, another one that I saw back in the day, when ITV did a mini season of Caine films of a Friday Night, so one could return from the pub, slump down and enjoy some Caineage. From memory, they showed Rio, Scoundrels and Shock as well as this one. 

Oh, for ITV to do something similar nowadays across a couple of Fridays. Less channels, but seemingly more on.

I'd already seen it going in - and this film has a clear moment which all Caine fans remember. If you've seen it, you'll know exactly which scene I'm talking about! I recall uttering a true MC "BLADDY HELL!" when it came the first time I watched, as I was invested in the film fully at that point.

Hence, no major surprises this time around, 20 years later, second viewing. 

Have to say though, this film is pretty good, fairly twisty, Caine is on form, the script works and it was just the ticket after the run of films that Caineology has thrown at me recently. Suffering through Bullseye almost sank the project, I'll openly admit, so seeing a decent little film like this, with much to enjoy was most welcome.

The outline, such as it is, brings us Caine as a playwright who has been very successful in the past, but is in the midst of a dry streak and knocking out flop after flop and getting a tonne of "Shit Sandwich" reviews (hint of the decade to come for Caines career, harsher critics would say. I would point at The Swarm and say he's already there.........), when in the midst of his despair, a student he has taught on a college course some time ago sends him a play "Deathtrap" which is a work of genius.

 So good, in fact, that Caine decides that it would be quite desirable to bump the student off, claim the play as his own and reap the rich rewards that this would bring. 

His (rather lovely) wife is mortified, naturally, and being a rather highly strung person (heart pills on the table, jumping at shadows, screaming whenever Caine quietly comes into a room) simply cannot deal with the prospect of this, especially when after inviting the student over for a coaching session..........they find out that no-one has seen the play, no-one knows where he is, and he's brought all of the copies with him.

So, the wolf begins eyeing the lamb hungrily, so to speak and in more ways than one.

Of course, this being a stage play made into a film, there's a lot more to come, more to watch and many many turns unfolding over the rest of the story.

Honestly, its a solid little film. Not a work of genius, but you could find far worse things to do that sit down with Deathtrap of an evening. I will say as well, that theres a lot to enjoy from watching it a second time. Many hints and small moments that can get overlooked the first time around, but take on a whole new significance when you know how the plot unfolds. Very good.

1. For some reason, the film throws some light touch Suspiria style lighting effects from time to time. As its more or less a single set play, this does wonders in livening things up by starting small and getting larger as we go

2. POST MURDER VICTORY SANDWICH

3.. WINNING CRAVAT

4. Michael Caine Observes and despairs

Outfit of the film: 

Now, this is how one dresses for breakfast. 

Accept nothing less!

Bullseye! (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Double Role, so 50/50

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "YOU DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD!!"

Bullseye! carries a reputation, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into here. I can't say I wasn't willing to give it a fair shake, as I don't actually mind Michael Winner films (The System is a film I genuinely really like, The Mechanic is superb and Death Wish is pure classic gold............not to mention Death Wish 3's myriad joys), I like Caine (obviously) and I also happen to think that Roger Moore is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the surface of this fuckin' planet.

I was not expecting something as bad as Bullseye! though. It really really is a dire film in almost every single respect - really. I don't think I can even face ever looking at it a second time. Please, don't ever watch it. Force your enemies to. You want relatives to bugger off after they've wasted enough of your Sunday talking about people you don't really care that much about? Stick this on.

Towards the end, I sussed that Caines narration had clearly been added on towards the end of the production due to the studio insisting on it, as he's just spending time explaining who is who and what is going on - the film wraps itself up so much in watching Mike n Rog dicking about and having a jolly, that it ceases to make any sense at all...........to the point where we're watching a kilt clad Rog n Mike chasing a kilt clad Rog n Mike who are actually different characters, so the editing is just fucking labyrinthine.

Story? Here we go.................

Plot strand 1: Caine plays Doctor Hicklar - which I kept hearing as Hitler - who has invented a source of endless renewable energy. Roger plays a nuclear physicist (yeah, I know I know) who convinces him to hush it up so they can make a killing on the open market for it, so they set up a series of meetings with rogue nations and prepare to sell to the highest bidder.

Plot strand 2: Caine plays a con man who's just released from the nick after a number of years. He goes to visit his old mucker Roger, who may have stitched him up, and wants to go straight. It just so happens that these two look exactly like the characters in plot strand 1, so they decide on a job to con them out of the energy source and plan the heist.

Then, it all gets mixed up with spies, running about and a whole load of fucking tedium.

I mean, we're dealing with base level humour that fails even at that. A Queen impersonator gets rolled out at one point, thats the level of comedy we're dealing with.

Yeah, theres a couple of very slight redeeming points - the London sequences are great if you love the city, as its mostly location set and filmed on the streets, so theres plenty to observe. I also would like to think that this was actually filmed in Caines pied-a-terre, don't ask why. Its Campden Hill Square too, so the right sort of locale.

Thats about it though. *disappointed sigh*

I would call this a career low for the pair of them, but I once watched Roger Moore present a "KGB's Deadliest Secrets" programme in the mid 90s with the air of someone who was just about to fire his agent.

1. Big moment this...........CAINE VS MOORE FIGHT!!

2. Theres a makeover montage. A bloody Makeover Montage! *point*

(Would like to think that this is Roger Moores passport photo) 

3. We get some stock footage thrown in, but its about 20 years out of date, on completely different film stock and seemingly just done on the cheap. I suppose all of the lunches they were having must have blown the budget.

4. Random "get the boys to the beach on the budget" sequence at the end.

with added John Cleese for 15 seconds?? (clearly on a freebie)

5. Theres a First Blood style motorbike chase at one point, which does at least entertain. 

Then, suddenly.............

................are they gonna jump that thing?

...................FUCK ME THEY ARE

I give you Sir Roger Moore and Sir Michael Caine, knights of the realm.

Outfit of the film: Loving that leatherette dark grey jacket. 

Can practically anticipate it tearing at the elbows and having the flaked creases that only the finest leather synthesis can provide.

Lastly, is that his mum?

Bullet to Beijing (1995)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: *as about to be thrown off a train* 

"You said you weren't a cruel man, Colonel. Can't we wait for a slow bit?"

Finally, The Return of Harry Palmer. 

We all knew it was coming at some point, but perhaps not in a made for TV film made back to back with its sequel...........Oh, Michael, really? Had things fallen this low??

Still, with the lowest of expectations, and ignoring that I've seen half of it about 20 years ago, in we go....

Harry is still doing much the same crappy jobs in the service that we first saw him doing in Ipcress all those years before, this time spying on the protesters outside of the North Korean embassy and getting involved in some action there when theres a bust up. 

Before we continue, let me point something out here. This films geography is all over the place if you even remotely know Londons layout. Judicious editing making huge swathes of the city join together and disappear around each corner. Very distracting. And if you've ever looked up the North Korean embassy, then you'll know that it don't look like this!

Afterwards, he's called into the office, gives a quick resume rundown for those who haven't seen a Palmer film before and promptly gets handed early retirement. By no less than PATRICK ALLEN as his boss. Oh yeah, Big Pats and his Big Voice is in this one for one of his esteemed cameos.

After getting a bit crappy about his retirement, the H is summoned to The Savoy and offered a decent paying job in Russia, so off we go for some Post Soviet sightseeing. That'll teach the bloody government. Sack him off and then insult him? Right, work for that lot I've been working against for all this time!

We then get some standard "virus has been stolen, you need to find it" plot, the usual fare. Jason Connery is introduced as a bit of stunt casting and then has some odd in-joke "son of a British Agent" banter as they find out the virus is on the train and all aboard THE BULLET TO BEIJING...........

Its not bad really, but its not great. Sorry, but I was baffled towards the end but theres enough injokes, sights, the gorgeous GORGEOUS Mia Sara and nods to Caines history to make it worthwhile, but this isn't high end cinema, is it? So don't expect it to be so.

Caine is in full Stella Street pomp throughout this, which makes things much enjoyable and makes up for Connery seemingly being made out of cardboard.

We get a Rick Wakeman soundtrack too..............which I'm still not convinced by, frankly.

Still, I think they probably should have left Harry where he was. You can't swim in the same river twice, after all.

1. This film starts in the best possible way and had me truly fired up.

Caines name displayed on top of a fuckin' VENOM poster!!!

YEAH!

2. Harry Palmer reads The Sun? 

I am very very disappointed. The Scum, of all papers. Could be the Mail or Express, I suppose, but still.

3. Cut Price Lenin Weird Am Dram Doing Pet Shop Boys Go West

4. The indignity of being pointed at!

5. White shells in a 12 bore? Not red?

Confused the shit out of me, that has. What are they - blanks? Salt?

6. Theres an Italian Job homage in there, for whatever reason.

Spy film homage I can understand, but the Self Preservation Society?? 

Outfit of the film: Blue on Blue, classic trenchcoat. On point. So to speak.

Bonus track - take a good look at this modern poster for the film. What a winner!