Half Moon Street (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: No (we think)

Best Line: There isn't one really. See below

Half Moon Street, which runs just off Green Park station up towards Curzon, if my memory is right. Good setting for a film, good London scenery in the film as we open with Sigourney Weaver jogging through the streets of classic 80s London, only for a car bomb to go off just beside her - leading to almost no reaction, no investigation and no stopping for a witness statement. Dunno what thats all about as I've been in the vicinity of a terror attack before and let me tell you - it gets a bloody reaction!

Weaver is Doctor Slaughter, which is a fantastic name, an intellectual who works for a Kuwaiti thinktank but is clearly frustrated at the lack of opportunity, people ripping her off and poverty row wages. At a flash work do, she meets a member of the 1%, engages in solid conversation with them and a mysterious video turns up in the post later extolling the virtues of the life of an escort girl.

Now, being an independent woman and quite able to look after herself, Weaver decides that this (somewhat grubby) life is something to be bent to her requirements and dives headlong into the world with a set of controls imposed by herself. She makes many friends and seems to be having it happy, especially once a rich pal (who likes to take photos of her topless on an exercise bike) offers her a move out of Notting Hill and into his spare flat on Half Moon Street. She naturally cannot turn down this pastel papered offer and moves straight in.

All very nice, you say, but WHERES THE CAINE??

Ah, well he's a man with an important job in Westminster dealing with defence and brokering peace deals in the Middle East. He's all over the news in the first 15 mins of this. 

With this busy life, he gets his jollies from call girls, so one night we find Weaver and Caine having drinks at his place, the next he'll see her at a function in her professional capacity. They clearly like one another, which turns to respect, which turns to love, which leads to him agreeing to slip his security detail (he's highly protected and surveyed by the security forces) and spend time with her at Half Moon Street.

Then the thriller strand of the plot begins.....

I'm not sure about this film. It was an amenable enough way to spend 90 mins, but by god this may be the first thing I've seen Caine in where he's literally reeling the lines off and not engaging at all with the material. Phoning it in would at least require picking up the phone and dialing the number - he's not even mustered the energy for that. 

No pointing, no shouting, no spark of MC magic, nothing.

Very disappointed in our man, very disappointed. And bear in mind some of the crap we've sat through in pursuit of the Noble Cause here.

Strong 'tache game though, I'll give him that, strong 'tache game.

Minutae.

1 - Milk Swigger. Straight from the bottle!

The man clearly don't give a fuck.

2 - This street shot is shown. So much to drink in, much like guzzling direct from a bottle of dairies finest.

A buttery?? We don't see them in town any more!

Mismatched street furniture heights - and they've got single pane glass doors? Never seen an old phone box with those before.

That lurid green car at the back there - strong colouring

Somewhat bizarre parking system on the top left? Contraflow parking? Looks.........unusual.

Also - the car parked in the bottom right hand side? Whats it doing there, of all places? Between the phone boxes and tree, off the pavement, but seemingly not in a parking space?

Sorry, but we can go right down the rabbit hole with this stuff.

3 - She has PORKPIE for a landlord!! I want Porkpie as my landlord!!

4 - I did laugh at the hasty cut n sellotape job on the picture establishing Caines left credentials

Outfit of the film: Without a doubt the character introduction, where The Mans moustache and jumper combo wins over my heart, let alone the call girls!