The Eagle has Landed (1976)

Glasses: No
Doing an Accent?: Generically upper crust, passing as German.
Accent for whole film?: Yes
Hair: Short.  Blond.  Aryan.
Does he point at someone?: Only the once.


Being a dedicated Cainite is all about management of expectations.  You take what is being offered and make the most of what you're given.  Even the meagrest effort can have the odd moment (a rant, a point, glasses) that justifies the cost and time invested.

That said THE EAGLE HAS LANDED is quite, quite, quite, poor.

Himself is playing Steiner a (surprise!) German Paratrooper, currently in disgrace and sentenced to a penal battalion for trying (and failing) to save a Jewish lady in the opening scene.  It's hard to see this as anything other than a tissue thin cover for making the hero a German soldier circa 1939-45  'Look, he might be wearing a swastika armband, but he's not all bad eh?'

Robert DuVall, an eye-patched, chain-smoking Intelligence officer (and the only cast member to have a go at the accent) is tasked with drawing up a plan to kidnap Winston Churchill from deepest Norfolk.  DuVall picks MC and his men (sensible decision) and Donald Sutherlands louche, smirking, Irish Republican (incomprehensible decision) as the missions advance man.  This is where the film officially starts to fall apart.

Sutherland is a fine actor, but he's bizarre in this one. A wise-quipping, hard drinking, frightfully wigged Irish stereotype doesn't seem like the sort of chap Nazi HQ would heap great responsibility on.  Sutherland seems to have decided that he's in a knockabout comedy and plays his character as such (to be fair, he has form for this, see Heroes, Kellys).

Look, TEHL is a heist film at heart.  And heist films need to let the audience in on (some) of the plan, saving a few twists and surprises for the final reel.  And for all the fart-arsing around there doesn't seem to be much in the way of Plan.  Dress the Germans up as Poles, get them into the village, have them do some exercises to fool the local bumpkins  and then....?  No wonder the Germans lost.

The arrival of JR from Dallas as the commander of the locally based US forces means that we finally get to see some action (albeit of a hokey, stagey, bullshit variety) when the 'Mericans decide to storm the church where Der Deustch have holed up after their piss poor plan turned out to be a piss poor plan.

It is a bad film and punishingly long.  Worst of all, MC doesn't have anything interesting to do.  We can forgive many things here at Caineology Manor, but we can't abide a squandered Mike.

POINTS OF INTEREST

1)

Producers cameo budget well invested in getting DP in.  He plays Himmler as a smarmy, backstabbing, officious and pedantic little goitre and does a fine job.

2)
Donald Sutherland managing to woo the extremely fruity Jenny Agutter within two minutes of meeting despite a) actually dressing like this

...and b) being a Nazi spy.


3)
There was a good hour of the film where the 'Lets Kidnap Winny C' plan isn't mentioned at all.  In fact it's less a 'Nazis steal Churchill' film than it is a 'Mike and the boys are squatting in a church'

4)
It's a charmingly rustic Norfolk village with lovably backwards locals, but it only seems to have a population of 12.  And half of them are German agents.

5) "In a 1976 interview with Photoplay Film Magazine, Michael Caine (Kurt Steiner) claimed that his main reason for accepting this role was that he had turned down Where Eagles Dare (1968) and did not want to turn down another World War II film with "Eagle" in its title."
MCs decision making process is excellently random.

6) Col Steiner is definitely not based on Otto Skorzeny.  No Sir, not at all.

OUTFIT OF THE FILM

Not much choice here, given its a war film.  So first place goes to this snappy, post-raid 'cream roll-neck sweater, black rubber jacket, cap and cigar' combo.  Unfortunately the rest of Caines men are donning the same getup leaving them looking like the worlds most sinister folk band.

Shill Your Company With A Naked Michael Caine.

Ashanti (1979)

Glasses: Sunglasses, but no glasses.

Doing an Accent?: Sort of

Accent for whole film?: Yes

Hair: Yes.

Does he point at someone?: Yes

Best line: (regarding the slave trader who kidnaps his wife) “Dead is just another corpse………alive, he could lead me to my wife.” Said with all the passion of a man reading his P60.

A husband and wife team of doctors are in Africa inoculating the locals. Whilst MC is taking some photos of the tribe, his wife decides to go for a bit of a swim nearby (gratuitous nudity abounds here, in the first ten minutes) and is kidnapped by slavers. In spite of her telling them she’s not a local and is an educated doctor from the W.H.O, they decide to flog her anyway, leading the slave caravan across the deserts and to the marketplace.

Oor Mike don’t take too kindly to his wife being shanghaied, so decides to give chase and The Game is Afoot. Cue a dusty action adventure with Rex Harrison as an anti-slavery official helping out Mr Caine wherever he can, mercenary helicopter pilots and Louis Jourdan’s double hard bastard Indian bodyguard from Octopussy as an El Bourak style figure all joining our man on his mission to rescue his wife.

Caine regards this one as one of the worst films he ever made, but I think he’s being unfair. Its decent enough story and the location filming helps a lot, but its not a well made film, when it could have been yr actual Epic had the director and photographers put some effort into making the film grandiose and sweeping. Instead, the first 30 mins feel like something out of an ITC episode. So I think MC had some expectations for this one going into it and came out disappointed with the final product.

Still, he does some marvellous shouting in this. At slave children, grown men, camels, anything really. Nothing seems to be immune from a Caine Rant. The sight of Michael Caine attempting to mount a camel was worth the price of admission alone (even on a free dvd off the front of a paper I’ve had for about 10 years and never bothered with until now). He also seems to made the decision to return to the Bromhead upper crust voice he puts on from time to time. As the film is set firmly in 1979 and not 1879, it’s a shame, as we could have pretended it was the further adventures of Bromhead in The Continent. Ah well.

Music was utter shite in this one, by the way. Another failing. The prominent bass was alright, I suppose and reminded me of the Frizzi style bass lines in all those Italo horrors.

Moments of interest:

1 – Slowest escape from a helicopter ever. Hovering over a river, the pilots been shot, you are under fire from the enemy and it looks bad. The pilot tells you to get out……………..so you very calmly look at him. Put the gun down in its correct place, it’s a weapon after all and someone might get hurt. Undo the seatbelt and then sedately climb out and leap into the river gently. About 2 seconds later the helicopter immolates.

2 – Its between 1964 and 1980 and you need a morally dubious Arabic/Indian looking chap for your film? You get Marne Maitland. He turns up here as a morally dubious Taureg chief.

3 – Lovely looking scenery somewhere there in the background. Shame they didn’t exploit it to its fullest (I love a good desert, me) but at least its there.



4 – In the grand finale dash to the harbour, Caine knocks a boy carrying bread out of the way. Was this needed? El Bourak went around the boy, but you went through him!? You shit.

5 – We may have found someone even more willing than Caine to take an easy cheque and turn up in any old crap film. All roads lead to a figure called “The Prince” who eventually buys Caines wife. It looks like a £500 for two days in the sun sort of a deal. Turns out to be none other than:

OMAR SHARIF. Here, espousing the joys of a cucumber sandwich. Well, enjoy them............because soon you'll be eating a knuckle sandwich.

Outfit of the film: Where to start? We get Caine the adventurer, Caine the Arab, Caine the doctor. Everything. But, there really is only one choice for this………….and that has to be Mike and Sexy Rexy’s matching “Englishmen abroad” safari suits. THE BOYS ARE OUT ON THE TOWN.



Caine IS Carter

Jack Carter on the Kings Road saying how nice people were in Newcastle, even though in the film he calls the place a craphole.

What more you want?

(begs the question - did he do this for all regions or just for Newcastle especially by way of apology?)

Surrender (1987)

Glasses: No.

Doing an accent?: No.

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: Looking wig-like at some points, but Yes.
Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best line: “My name is…….” (at which point I interjected with my best “Michael Caine!”)

A bright and breezy comedy, full of pastel colours, sunshine and lovely apartments. Those golden names Golan and Globus appeared in the credits, so our boy took the Cannon cash at least once. That familiar hexagonal stamp of quality at the beginning is always guaranteed to cheer your day.

Must say, I enjoyed this film a lot and Caine can give himself a hearty “job well done” and open another restaurant or whatever he did with the cheque.

MC plays a successful writer, an honest man, who has a string of failed marriages and relationships behind him and ends up believing that women have only ever loved him for his money, swearing off women accordingly and growing bitter. Sally Field is a frustrated good girl painter, working in an assembly line paintings factory and in an unhappy relationship with a rich, successful, Steve Guttenberg. Who is a bit of a whiney twat to be honest. Would have liked Caine to chin him really, no joy there.

The two meet under unusual circumstances and end up tied together naked which raises an interest (amongst other things) from Caine, who decides to  not only woo Field but not let on he’s a rich man in order to test if she loves him for himself and not his fat wallet. Wacky hi-jinks ensue in the way they always do in this genre.

Recommended for a light frothy comedy sort of mood. I reckon this’d make a good double bill with Cannons “Barfly”. Soundtrack is a killer too - upbeat blues jazz piano led stuff. 

Things of interest;

1 – Guttenberg appears to have turned up as Tom Selleck.

2 – Guttenbergs magnificent yuppie flat is a joy of 80s design and aspirational living. I would 100% live there.

 3 – Full Gamut of Caines Ability. We get it all, from shouty, to bumbling, to suave, to “eyes watery voice trembling”. Its like a greatest hits of the mans riffs.

4 – Caines latest book. A work of art in itself.

5 – Mike not taking getting dumped very well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve all been there mate.



 

6 - Magnificent yuppie party. I detect the hand of Sir Golan waving over this. The glitzy disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" is sheer brilliance. When do I get to go to parties like this?

Outfit of the film: Caine is rockin’ some decent schmatte in this film. Very late 80s, but he’s going for the baggy look. Somehow though..........seeing Himself in denim and trainers just don’t sit right, so we’ll go for this double grey rolled sleeve casual suit he selects for going out whoring in. I suspect he also yachts in it.

Pronunciation Guide for Beginners

One for our American chums.

Jaws the Revenge (1987)

 

Glasses: No.

Doing an accent?: No.

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Short, so not really a definitive Caine do.

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best line: OH SHIT!!!! (whilst being menaced by Jaws)

Michael Caine has won two Oscars. Due to making this rubbish for the CASH, he couldn’t pick up the second one. And that is why we love our Mike. This sequel and franchise killer is not a good film in any way, but it does have some good things in it – it doesn’t get dull at any point and Caine is clearly determined to earn his cheque. I enjoyed it anyway and don’t care what they say.

The Brody family get menaced by a great white with a vendetta, which seeks them out and attempts to devour the bloodline. Somehow, Ellen Brody (the matriarch) has a telepathic link with the fish which is displayed by her sometimes gazing out to sea moodily and knowing why and when the shark is going to attack. Due to losing one son (his “I’ve got an arm off!!” acting was great), her eldest son decides a nice break in the Bahamas where he lives and works would do the trick. Somehow, the shark knows this and follows them out there to exact its Bloody Revenge.

Don’t ask me how, I didn’t write the film. Or why. it’s a shark with a grudge for some reason. I mean, it can’t be the same shark as the other films because they got killed?

Our Caine plays a local pilot and “local character” who is established as a loveable chancer early on and spends the film trotting out anecdotes from his past and attempting to woo Ellen Brody when not boozing, gambling or fishing. And Hoagie is a fine character, I must say. I’d be quite happy to spend a night on the tiles with him. Caine never puts less than 100% into this one and it pays off. So, money well spent from the producers there and Caine can walk away with mortgage payment in his pocket and head held high.

Some things of note about JTR

1 – This film fails utterly to be a thriller. I am mortally terrified of sharks, great whites particularly. Blame watching the original Jaws aged 5 for that. I remember this film coming out as a kid and being real worried by the poster, so it was with a bit of trepidation I pressed play (29 years later). And I watched it without a blink or a flinch, due to the incredibly plasticky shark and fact it was shown so often and lost any menace it could have had. Plus, it roars? Do sharks do that?

2 – The male lead is a dead ringer for 80s John Martyn.

3 – The broken down rusting 4X4 jeep dumped outside the Brodies place in the Bahamas really irritated me for some reason. And it was shown more than once.

4 – The island in the Bahamas, far from being a tropical paradise (revenge driven great white infested waters aside), looked a right dump. Seriously, strike up the Zombie Flesh Eaters theme and the place could have been Matul without a second look. Caine in ZFE is something I probably would enjoy and pay good money for. And theres form for sharks vs zombies in that film, now that I think about it.

5 – Caines miraculous escape from the shark.

"Gimme a hand here for christsake!!" 

“Hoagie?! How the hell did you do that??”

“It wasn’t easy, believe me..............BLADDY HELL, the breath on that thing!!!”

6 – Banana boat shark attack mayhem. Always entertaining. And the fact that post attack, Ellen Brody (in fantastic 80s power dress) gives the sea a sort of “right, this shit just got real!” glare before heading out for some revenge of her own.

Outfit of the film: Not much for our man in this one, being dressed mainly in drab beige. It’ll have to be this fetching double white "Englishman abroad" beachwear ensemble.