The Magus (1968)

 

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "And you're the director....."

The Magus........now this one carries a rep, hated by all who made it, all who saw it, and just about everyone. "If I lived my life again, I'd do everything exactly the same, with the exception of watching The Magus." once said Woody Allen some years back. Although, I expect if you asked him today, he'd probably revise that statement.

Somewhat of a companion piece to Deadfall - another med vibin', Caine regretting, 68 film of low repute, I can confirm that on the second watch of this, its not good. Its not good at all. I've read The Magus, and I quite liked it, but this film makes me look over towards my copy of the highly regarded Fowles novel and think "is it actually that good?", such is the effect this film has on the plot contained within.

Plot - well, its batshit, isn't it? Utterly bizarre, random, madness of a page turner......CAINEOLOGY NECTAR, frankly.

Sort summary, thus, Caine plays a bored listless chap, who throws it in with his previous life and runs away to Greece to become an English teacher on a small island, where he encounters a strange older gentleman who really enjoys playing mind game and slowly draws Caine into his web, whereupon the blurring of reality, unreality, life and past life becomes mixed and enmeshed in a series of ever increasingly odd events. Is this real, or is it fake? Did this happen, or is it staged? Are they who they say they are, or are they acting? 

Now, in the novel, you just don't know, and as the pages turn, so does the twists. In the film, this manifests itself rather poorly, I'm afraid, where if you were to take things at face value, you'd end up laughing, were it not so achingly plodding and dull throughout.

Caine..........well, he's not having a good time in this and seems to wear the same face throughout. I suppose he's playing jaded, but its not good. Which is a handy one line summary of the film......

The ending cuts off in a different place too? Maybe because I've read the revised version, which did have a cracker of an ending, but the film just..............stops.

Shame, as it could have been so good. The Italians would have made a much better job of this.

SO.......

1. It dawned on me that this could be read as an Alfie 2 - think about it, at the end of Alfie, we're left with the lad himself, pondering his life and loves, along with what to do next. Roll on to The Magus and we're back with Alfie, who's lucked out and living with a French air hostess, but still disturbed by his recent experiences. He then decides to leave it all and head to Greece for an escape, where, being Alfie, he can't help following the birds and being who he is. All it needs is some fourth wall addresses and we'd be there!

 

2. Some schoolboys playing football in the playground, as schoolboys will do. 

Ball bounces over to Caine.

What does he do?

Sky it over the wall. 

Arsehole.

3. As all wargamers know, NEVER EVER THINK "anything but a one". 

(you fail your break test, Mr Urfe)

Caine, clearly not a wargamer.

4. TRIGGER!!

5. Finally, some Caine action we can get behind. During an Ipcress-esque "dream" sequence, the chap runs up and starts trashing about a bull whip, destroying some voyeur footage of his current love.

Wonderful, but alas too little, too late. That expression is the same one he wears for the WHOLE FILM.

Best Dressed - Black rollneck, sharp jacket, putting the moves on Anna Karina. Nice.

Whats it all about?

Deathtrap (1982)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I woke up at the end of the line! .......BLOODY SYMBOLIC!"

Deathtrap, another one that I saw back in the day, when ITV did a mini season of Caine films of a Friday Night, so one could return from the pub, slump down and enjoy some Caineage. From memory, they showed Rio, Scoundrels and Shock as well as this one. 

Oh, for ITV to do something similar nowadays across a couple of Fridays. Less channels, but seemingly more on.

I'd already seen it going in - and this film has a clear moment which all Caine fans remember. If you've seen it, you'll know exactly which scene I'm talking about! I recall uttering a true MC "BLADDY HELL!" when it came the first time I watched, as I was invested in the film fully at that point.

Hence, no major surprises this time around, 20 years later, second viewing. 

Have to say though, this film is pretty good, fairly twisty, Caine is on form, the script works and it was just the ticket after the run of films that Caineology has thrown at me recently. Suffering through Bullseye almost sank the project, I'll openly admit, so seeing a decent little film like this, with much to enjoy was most welcome.

The outline, such as it is, brings us Caine as a playwright who has been very successful in the past, but is in the midst of a dry streak and knocking out flop after flop and getting a tonne of "Shit Sandwich" reviews (hint of the decade to come for Caines career, harsher critics would say. I would point at The Swarm and say he's already there.........), when in the midst of his despair, a student he has taught on a college course some time ago sends him a play "Deathtrap" which is a work of genius.

 So good, in fact, that Caine decides that it would be quite desirable to bump the student off, claim the play as his own and reap the rich rewards that this would bring. 

His (rather lovely) wife is mortified, naturally, and being a rather highly strung person (heart pills on the table, jumping at shadows, screaming whenever Caine quietly comes into a room) simply cannot deal with the prospect of this, especially when after inviting the student over for a coaching session..........they find out that no-one has seen the play, no-one knows where he is, and he's brought all of the copies with him.

So, the wolf begins eyeing the lamb hungrily, so to speak and in more ways than one.

Of course, this being a stage play made into a film, there's a lot more to come, more to watch and many many turns unfolding over the rest of the story.

Honestly, its a solid little film. Not a work of genius, but you could find far worse things to do that sit down with Deathtrap of an evening. I will say as well, that theres a lot to enjoy from watching it a second time. Many hints and small moments that can get overlooked the first time around, but take on a whole new significance when you know how the plot unfolds. Very good.

1. For some reason, the film throws some light touch Suspiria style lighting effects from time to time. As its more or less a single set play, this does wonders in livening things up by starting small and getting larger as we go

2. POST MURDER VICTORY SANDWICH

3.. WINNING CRAVAT

4. Michael Caine Observes and despairs

Outfit of the film: 

Now, this is how one dresses for breakfast. 

Accept nothing less!

Bullet to Beijing (1995)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: *as about to be thrown off a train* 

"You said you weren't a cruel man, Colonel. Can't we wait for a slow bit?"

Finally, The Return of Harry Palmer. 

We all knew it was coming at some point, but perhaps not in a made for TV film made back to back with its sequel...........Oh, Michael, really? Had things fallen this low??

Still, with the lowest of expectations, and ignoring that I've seen half of it about 20 years ago, in we go....

Harry is still doing much the same crappy jobs in the service that we first saw him doing in Ipcress all those years before, this time spying on the protesters outside of the North Korean embassy and getting involved in some action there when theres a bust up. 

Before we continue, let me point something out here. This films geography is all over the place if you even remotely know Londons layout. Judicious editing making huge swathes of the city join together and disappear around each corner. Very distracting. And if you've ever looked up the North Korean embassy, then you'll know that it don't look like this!

Afterwards, he's called into the office, gives a quick resume rundown for those who haven't seen a Palmer film before and promptly gets handed early retirement. By no less than PATRICK ALLEN as his boss. Oh yeah, Big Pats and his Big Voice is in this one for one of his esteemed cameos.

After getting a bit crappy about his retirement, the H is summoned to The Savoy and offered a decent paying job in Russia, so off we go for some Post Soviet sightseeing. That'll teach the bloody government. Sack him off and then insult him? Right, work for that lot I've been working against for all this time!

We then get some standard "virus has been stolen, you need to find it" plot, the usual fare. Jason Connery is introduced as a bit of stunt casting and then has some odd in-joke "son of a British Agent" banter as they find out the virus is on the train and all aboard THE BULLET TO BEIJING...........

Its not bad really, but its not great. Sorry, but I was baffled towards the end but theres enough injokes, sights, the gorgeous GORGEOUS Mia Sara and nods to Caines history to make it worthwhile, but this isn't high end cinema, is it? So don't expect it to be so.

Caine is in full Stella Street pomp throughout this, which makes things much enjoyable and makes up for Connery seemingly being made out of cardboard.

We get a Rick Wakeman soundtrack too..............which I'm still not convinced by, frankly.

Still, I think they probably should have left Harry where he was. You can't swim in the same river twice, after all.

1. This film starts in the best possible way and had me truly fired up.

Caines name displayed on top of a fuckin' VENOM poster!!!

YEAH!

2. Harry Palmer reads The Sun? 

I am very very disappointed. The Scum, of all papers. Could be the Mail or Express, I suppose, but still.

3. Cut Price Lenin Weird Am Dram Doing Pet Shop Boys Go West

4. The indignity of being pointed at!

5. White shells in a 12 bore? Not red?

Confused the shit out of me, that has. What are they - blanks? Salt?

6. Theres an Italian Job homage in there, for whatever reason.

Spy film homage I can understand, but the Self Preservation Society?? 

Outfit of the film: Blue on Blue, classic trenchcoat. On point. So to speak.

Bonus track - take a good look at this modern poster for the film. What a winner!

Half Moon Street (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: No (we think)

Best Line: There isn't one really. See below

Half Moon Street, which runs just off Green Park station up towards Curzon, if my memory is right. Good setting for a film, good London scenery in the film as we open with Sigourney Weaver jogging through the streets of classic 80s London, only for a car bomb to go off just beside her - leading to almost no reaction, no investigation and no stopping for a witness statement. Dunno what thats all about as I've been in the vicinity of a terror attack before and let me tell you - it gets a bloody reaction!

Weaver is Doctor Slaughter, which is a fantastic name, an intellectual who works for a Kuwaiti thinktank but is clearly frustrated at the lack of opportunity, people ripping her off and poverty row wages. At a flash work do, she meets a member of the 1%, engages in solid conversation with them and a mysterious video turns up in the post later extolling the virtues of the life of an escort girl.

Now, being an independent woman and quite able to look after herself, Weaver decides that this (somewhat grubby) life is something to be bent to her requirements and dives headlong into the world with a set of controls imposed by herself. She makes many friends and seems to be having it happy, especially once a rich pal (who likes to take photos of her topless on an exercise bike) offers her a move out of Notting Hill and into his spare flat on Half Moon Street. She naturally cannot turn down this pastel papered offer and moves straight in.

All very nice, you say, but WHERES THE CAINE??

Ah, well he's a man with an important job in Westminster dealing with defence and brokering peace deals in the Middle East. He's all over the news in the first 15 mins of this. 

With this busy life, he gets his jollies from call girls, so one night we find Weaver and Caine having drinks at his place, the next he'll see her at a function in her professional capacity. They clearly like one another, which turns to respect, which turns to love, which leads to him agreeing to slip his security detail (he's highly protected and surveyed by the security forces) and spend time with her at Half Moon Street.

Then the thriller strand of the plot begins.....

I'm not sure about this film. It was an amenable enough way to spend 90 mins, but by god this may be the first thing I've seen Caine in where he's literally reeling the lines off and not engaging at all with the material. Phoning it in would at least require picking up the phone and dialing the number - he's not even mustered the energy for that. 

No pointing, no shouting, no spark of MC magic, nothing.

Very disappointed in our man, very disappointed. And bear in mind some of the crap we've sat through in pursuit of the Noble Cause here.

Strong 'tache game though, I'll give him that, strong 'tache game.

Minutae.

1 - Milk Swigger. Straight from the bottle!

The man clearly don't give a fuck.

2 - This street shot is shown. So much to drink in, much like guzzling direct from a bottle of dairies finest.

A buttery?? We don't see them in town any more!

Mismatched street furniture heights - and they've got single pane glass doors? Never seen an old phone box with those before.

That lurid green car at the back there - strong colouring

Somewhat bizarre parking system on the top left? Contraflow parking? Looks.........unusual.

Also - the car parked in the bottom right hand side? Whats it doing there, of all places? Between the phone boxes and tree, off the pavement, but seemingly not in a parking space?

Sorry, but we can go right down the rabbit hole with this stuff.

3 - She has PORKPIE for a landlord!! I want Porkpie as my landlord!!

4 - I did laugh at the hasty cut n sellotape job on the picture establishing Caines left credentials

Outfit of the film: Without a doubt the character introduction, where The Mans moustache and jumper combo wins over my heart, let alone the call girls!