Caineology: The Jigsaw Man (1983)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "Good god! Bangers! How I've missed them......"

I've had enough of crap spy films from the 1980s starring Michael Caine. How many did he fucking make? Sometimes theres a good one, but in the main they are bloody dire and there always seems to be another one cropping up on the watchlist.

So......after that bit of spleen, The Jigsaw Man. Its not very good, frankly. Its a poorly made film, its a poorly scripted film and its really not worth bothering with, if you want something interesting to watch.

However..........

If you like the bizarre shit that Caine would sometimes find himself doing in pursuit of a wage, then this has a lot of good stuff. Watch once for the "eh?" and never again. Life Tip - never watch Bullseye for the "eh?". Just don't watch it at all.

Soooooooo, Caine plays a British defector who is living it out in Moscow or somewhere and has been for many years. Now, he's quite a famed defector, so the trenchcoats on both sides have been keeping tabs on him. This scene is truly truly bizarre as Caines voice has been dubbed onto another actor - poorly - as he's supposed to be "remade" as Caine a bit later.

First fuckin' scene and we're asked to believe that Caines voice on someone else is okay. I mean, its not as if MICHAEL CAINES VOICE isn't one of his most distinctive elements, is it? Just doesn't work at all.

Caine is sent on a mission back to the UK, for the usual spy reasons, but suspects he's gonna be bumped off by the KGB, so counter defects when in the UK and then does a runner. He's still got family and friends kicking about, so he's off to see them and try to get hold of some information he's stashed away in the past that he can use as a pawn to set himself up royally.

We then have Larry Olivier as a grumpy bastard ex colleague of Caines who is in charge of the affair giving chase.

Thats kind of it really. Theres some side plot with Caines family - Susan George acting as both his daughter and his wife. Yes, you read that right. Robert Powell as the daughters boyfriend who is actually a spy. And then theres the ever wonderful Charles Gray stealing most of the film out from under people.

Good cast, decent music (John Cameron!), Good London settings (plus Amersham), Good era..........but a pretty dreadful film. Freddie Francis is in there too, listed among the credits.

Bit of a Sunday Afternooner, when theres nothing else doing and can't be arsed to move.

Right............the observations.

1 - The training/makeover montage. I think, possibly the finest one I've ever seen. Rocky might have had Stallone climbing mountains in the USSR, but we've got a portly Caine in a superb tracky top

2 - Post surgery, pre workout, he's bloody Vader without the mask on!

3 - Charles Gray stealing the film. Sorry, but he does. Playing a fellow high level spy chief who's disdain for all is well and truly to the shore.........

............whether snootily going through the dinner options and dismissing them.

......playing country squire and shotgunning squirrels.......

.......or wearing a bald wig and propositioning Robert Powell in the bathroom whilst drinking wine and wearing a dressing gown.

Charles, we salute you heartily.

4. JUDO CHOP

5. Charles Gray finds himself, in turn, by a more subtle scene steal. In a rather tense "I'm the power in this room" meeting between two department heads, the dog steals the show, much to my delight!