The Jigsaw Man (1983)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "Good god! Bangers! How I've missed them......"

I've had enough of crap spy films from the 1980s starring Michael Caine. How many did he fucking make? Sometimes theres a good one, but in the main they are bloody dire and there always seems to be another one cropping up on the watchlist.

So......after that bit of spleen, The Jigsaw Man. Its not very good, frankly. Its a poorly made film, its a poorly scripted film and its really not worth bothering with, if you want something interesting to watch.

However..........

If you like the bizarre shit that Caine would sometimes find himself doing in pursuit of a wage, then this has a lot of good stuff. Watch once for the "eh?" and never again. Life Tip - never watch Bullseye for the "eh?". Just don't watch it at all.

Soooooooo, Caine plays a British defector who is living it out in Moscow or somewhere and has been for many years. Now, he's quite a famed defector, so the trenchcoats on both sides have been keeping tabs on him. This scene is truly truly bizarre as Caines voice has been dubbed onto another actor - poorly - as he's supposed to be "remade" as Caine a bit later.

First fuckin' scene and we're asked to believe that Caines voice on someone else is okay. I mean, its not as if MICHAEL CAINES VOICE isn't one of his most distinctive elements, is it? Just doesn't work at all.

Caine is sent on a mission back to the UK, for the usual spy reasons, but suspects he's gonna be bumped off by the KGB, so counter defects when in the UK and then does a runner. He's still got family and friends kicking about, so he's off to see them and try to get hold of some information he's stashed away in the past that he can use as a pawn to set himself up royally.

We then have Larry Olivier as a grumpy bastard ex colleague of Caines who is in charge of the affair giving chase.

Thats kind of it really. Theres some side plot with Caines family - Susan George acting as both his daughter and his wife. Yes, you read that right. Robert Powell as the daughters boyfriend who is actually a spy. And then theres the ever wonderful Charles Gray stealing most of the film out from under people.

Good cast, decent music (John Cameron!), Good London settings (plus Amersham), Good era..........but a pretty dreadful film. Freddie Francis is in there too, listed among the credits.

Bit of a Sunday Afternooner, when theres nothing else doing and can't be arsed to move.

Right............the observations.

1 - The training/makeover montage. I think, possibly the finest one I've ever seen. Rocky might have had Stallone climbing mountains in the USSR, but we've got a portly Caine in a superb tracky top

2 - Post surgery, pre workout, he's bloody Vader without the mask on!

3 - Charles Gray stealing the film. Sorry, but he does. Playing a fellow high level spy chief who's disdain for all is well and truly to the shore.........

............whether snootily going through the dinner options and dismissing them.

 ......playing country squire and shotgunning squirrels.......

 .......or wearing a bald wig and propositioning Robert Powell in the bathroom whilst drinking wine and wearing a dressing gown.

 Charles, we salute you heartily.

 4. JUDO CHOP

5. Charles Gray finds himself, in turn, by a more subtle scene steal. In a rather tense "I'm the power in this room" meeting between two department heads, the dog steals the show, much to my delight!

Passing casually between two pieces of furniture, in the background, right at the key line. A masterclass.

6. ANOTHER JUDO CHOP

Look at the agony on that chaps face. That training montage wasn't a waste of time after all!

7. Vauxhall Cavaliers blazing around the countryside at top speed, burning it all up and causing havoc. 

Reminds me of being a bored young man in the back of one of those, ripping around farmers fields and almost getting killed when we hit a hidden dip.

Outfit of the film: Oh god, the tracksuit. The Tracksuit.

The Island (1980)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "How many Dads give their kids an air crash? Right?"

One of the great joys of Caineology is the fact that due to the mans relentless dismissal of anything resembling quality control, you really don't know what you will be getting when the film begins. And Michael, Oh Michael, what made you read this and think "seems reasonable. Yes, sign me up" *points at agent*??

From the poster and the little I knew, I thought that we'd be getting an aquatic slasher film (struggling for suitable puns here, can only think of "Shalloween" which is shite) and to be fair, the opening of the film does establish this idea very well with an effective opening gore scene and our Man MC playing a journalist who notices that a large number of boats have been going missing in the Carribean, so decides to go down that way to investigate and is accompanied by his 12 year old son, for some spurious reason. 


He's a divorced Dad, so I suppose some quality time together seemed like a good idea. Plentiful "don't tell yr mother" style lines of humour abound.

After some more asking about in Florida, it seems that the only way to really find out whats happening is to get out to the islands and continue work there, so they accompany a cargo plane on a trip.

For some reason, when being written out, this sounds a bit Zombie Flesh Eaters plot? Kid aside.

CUE MASSIVE FIREY PLANE CRASH AND IMMOLATION

All bets are off now and this film goes utterly batshit mental. Being stranded on an island for a couple of days (not yet The Island), Father and Son get some Father and Son quality time together with a bit of fishing, so hire a boat.

Then the pirates turn up from The Island and not just modern day pirates, but 17th century Pirates cut off from modern society and talking in a made up language, dressed in the classic garb and living in wattle & daub huts, no less. Seriously.

Caine guns one dead (1-0 civilisation) but falls and is knocked unconscious, only to wake in their clutches and be led around on a lead like a chimp, sexed by a saucy blonde and forced to watch his son being brainwashed against him by some slumming thespians. 

Can he get free? Can he save his son? Will civilised man triumph over the barbarians? Will Caine mention this film in polite society ever again?

Problem with this film? Its too long for a start. Chop it down to a 90 mins and it might be more fun, but theres a long drag to some scenes. Don't scrimp on that jellyfish attack though. The joy of watching Caine thrashing about acting being attacked by a rubber jellyfish was worth the £4.50 inc post I paid.

But.........there is more............

1 - We get our first appearance of Sir Michael in what looks like New York, but is it Gotham City?

This leads one to consider, if this is Gotham......then is this Alfred in his younger days? That would explain quite a lot about some of the happenings later on.

2 - Whilst driving along and being nagged by his Son, the boy decides that he really really REALLY wants a gift. So, instead of a clip around the ear for being a needy little, Caine buys  him a GUN?!?! Is that normal in Florida? Best of all, they try it out at the range, seeming to shoot David Johansen alikes for fun. Damned hippies.

3 - Caine, for seeming no real reason other than wanting to, bludgeons the shit out of a Barracuda with a stick. And this is before the pirates turn up.

4 - This film is stuffed with the cream of jobbing British actors, and it is always a pleasure to spend cinematic time in the company of Dudley Sutton. Much love for Mr Sutton here upon the heights of Mt Mickelwhite. 

Here, he plays a typically restrained underplayed role

5 - Midway through the film, theres a boarding action upon a yuppie yacht. Now this seemingly polite fellow......

(reading his copy of Alien)

.......turns out be a bonafide KARATE MAN of the classical sense and tries to fight them off, one by one, complete with crazy eye and Bruce Lee noises. He fails, valiantly.

6 - Later on, there is a second raid but this time upon a much bigger target....a US naval gunship. As the raid begins, one of the pirates is determined to stand out from the crowd and  really leave an impression.......

Bravo, sir, bravo. Man of the film.

7 - Amongst all of these goings on the film does really drag for long stretches at a time. During one, I was beginning to yawn and look at the clock.....

......then BOOM!! CAINE MACHINE GUN MASSACRE!!

Beautiful, just beautiful.

As the film ends, it seems that MC is left stranded in the Caribbean.......So, if he's not Alfred, then perhaps this is how Hoagie ended up in the tropics, drinking, gambling and living out his days?

Outfit of the film - In the midst of sweaty gun lovers, our man cuts an upper crust of class amongst the tight t-shirts.

(note the disdain)

And on that, we shall leave the final words to Mr Caine.