Bullseye! (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Double Role, so 50/50

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "YOU DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD!!"

Bullseye! carries a reputation, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into here. I can't say I wasn't willing to give it a fair shake, as I don't actually mind Michael Winner films (The System is a film I genuinely really like, The Mechanic is superb and Death Wish is pure classic gold............not to mention Death Wish 3's myriad joys), I like Caine (obviously) and I also happen to think that Roger Moore is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the surface of this fuckin' planet.

I was not expecting something as bad as Bullseye! though. It really really is a dire film in almost every single respect - really. I don't think I can even face ever looking at it a second time. Please, don't ever watch it. Force your enemies to. You want relatives to bugger off after they've wasted enough of your Sunday talking about people you don't really care that much about? Stick this on.

Towards the end, I sussed that Caines narration had clearly been added on towards the end of the production due to the studio insisting on it, as he's just spending time explaining who is who and what is going on - the film wraps itself up so much in watching Mike n Rog dicking about and having a jolly, that it ceases to make any sense at all...........to the point where we're watching a kilt clad Rog n Mike chasing a kilt clad Rog n Mike who are actually different characters, so the editing is just fucking labyrinthine.

Story? Here we go.................

Plot strand 1: Caine plays Doctor Hicklar - which I kept hearing as Hitler - who has invented a source of endless renewable energy. Roger plays a nuclear physicist (yeah, I know I know) who convinces him to hush it up so they can make a killing on the open market for it, so they set up a series of meetings with rogue nations and prepare to sell to the highest bidder.

Plot strand 2: Caine plays a con man who's just released from the nick after a number of years. He goes to visit his old mucker Roger, who may have stitched him up, and wants to go straight. It just so happens that these two look exactly like the characters in plot strand 1, so they decide on a job to con them out of the energy source and plan the heist.

Then, it all gets mixed up with spies, running about and a whole load of fucking tedium.

I mean, we're dealing with base level humour that fails even at that. A Queen impersonator gets rolled out at one point, thats the level of comedy we're dealing with.

Yeah, theres a couple of very slight redeeming points - the London sequences are great if you love the city, as its mostly location set and filmed on the streets, so theres plenty to observe. I also would like to think that this was actually filmed in Caines pied-a-terre, don't ask why. Its Campden Hill Square too, so the right sort of locale.

Thats about it though. *disappointed sigh*

I would call this a career low for the pair of them, but I once watched Roger Moore present a "KGB's Deadliest Secrets" programme in the mid 90s with the air of someone who was just about to fire his agent.

1. Big moment this...........CAINE VS MOORE FIGHT!!

2. Theres a makeover montage. A bloody Makeover Montage! *point*

(Would like to think that this is Roger Moores passport photo) 

3. We get some stock footage thrown in, but its about 20 years out of date, on completely different film stock and seemingly just done on the cheap. I suppose all of the lunches they were having must have blown the budget.

4. Random "get the boys to the beach on the budget" sequence at the end.

with added John Cleese for 15 seconds?? (clearly on a freebie)

5. Theres a First Blood style motorbike chase at one point, which does at least entertain. 

Then, suddenly.............

................are they gonna jump that thing?

...................FUCK ME THEY ARE

I give you Sir Roger Moore and Sir Michael Caine, knights of the realm.

Outfit of the film: Loving that leatherette dark grey jacket. 

Can practically anticipate it tearing at the elbows and having the flaked creases that only the finest leather synthesis can provide.

Lastly, is that his mum?

Noises Off (1992)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: NO.

I know nothing about this play, but it seems it was a huge success. Possibly, but I can't disagree with the dismal takings that this film version took ($12m budget, $2m box office) as this is a technically interesting film - the actors acting in very rapid fire fashion, the charging about set, the back and forth dialogue - but whereas on the stage this must have been a thrilling "is this about to go wrong?"...............on the screen, it just doesn't pass muster. 

We know they are edited. 

We know if they made a mistake, they'll halt and re-shoot. 

The suspension of disbelief just isn't strong enough.

Some stage plays get adapted and are very clearly a play, but work well (Sleuth, Deathtrap) but some are just too stagey to really work. I'm not a huge fan of farces either, to be frank. 

Not a good start.

Still, as the stressed director attempting to hold a cast, production and career together in the midst of preparing a play to open, Caine does very well. Very well indeed, and I suspect its a script that actors love, so there is that. Has some proper barking at people loudly outbursts which are always fun.

The technical aspects of the film, being broken into the same show but in varying viewpoints each time is also very good. 

Denholm Elliot is a wonder, as ever.

But thats about it. My notes make interesting reading as they start positive. Amused. Chuckling. Then "pretty tedious" appears about halfway through. My final note is "a load of crap" written as the credits rolled.

I stand by that. Sorry!

The double entendres don't really work. People walking around shouting SARDINES is amusing the third time. Perhaps not so much, the fortieth time.

Can't win 'em all. I was hoping for another Surrender. Even another Rio. I was hoping for a reasonable platter............. and I got handed a garage forecourt sandwich.

1. This shouldn't surprise me as its both Superman and its the middle of the shoulderpad era, but I found myself hypnotised by Christopher Reeves MASSIVE shoulders.

(Caine, mid exclaim)

2. I was starting to get bored, but the appearance of a bottle of J&B cheered me up no end. 

Ah, J&B, the giallo blend of choice. My dear friend.

3. Attempting to charm scantily clad women by bearing unsubtle phallic gifts.

We've all been there.

Outfit of the film: Bold striped shirt, open at the neck. Blue silk thin neck scarf. Turquoise casual jacket to relax in.  

Silver Bears (1978)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Oh yes. Yes, indeed.

Best Line: "CHOW MY ARSE"

Unlike many of his contemporaries, our MC can actually pull of a convincing comedy turn, this film being a good example of a lightweight Sunday afternoon affair where we all know its all gonna turn out okay in the end.

MC plays "Doc Fletcher" a mob finances man who convinces his boss that buying a Swiss bank to launder dirty money is a workable idea. When the motley crew of Caine, Jay Leno (!) as the bosses son and a minder/forger/heavy type find out that it's not going to be as easy as all that. 

Eventually, they get stuck into a swindle of importing dodgy silver and everyones double crossing each other, fine friends are made, cigars are chuffed and theres even a bit of a romantic storyline in there too. Wonderful - just the job for when you are laying about and can't be bothered reaching for the Zulu DVD. 

Thats not damning it with faint praise, just summing up the scenario for optimum viewing conditions. Imagine it as a semi sequel to the Italian Job, with Croaker ten years later, and you've got it.

Good mix of locations - the film dots from America, to Geneva, to Persia, via London and back.

Great cast too, all taking it in the right spirit and scene stealing from one another. Prime fashion, good backdrops, entertaining storyline and Cybil Shepherd looking quite stunning. 

What more you want from a Caine deep cut, eh?

1 - The points. Oh the points. This may be the record film for sheer volume of points going on.

(Literally the first scene he's in)

(Note the jaunty look on Senior Caines face.)

Even Louis Jourdan gets in on the act.....

(Caine taken aback at being on the receiving end of a point for once)

.........as does David Warner.

(wonderfully done, this one. a graceful point.)

2 - Caine will seduce you

But he will not, repeat NOT, dance with you

(note disdain)

3 - At one point a scene jumps to Leadenhall Market in London. Behold, the pub in the background? Thats the Lamb and was the Birthplace of Caineology and is our office space.

4 - Another drunken turn. Underplayed, but fun. Good show Sir.

(very rare whiskey bottle middle finger clutching point)

Outfit of the film. Leaving aside the fact that Karl Lagerfeld apparently had a hand in costuming (?!), its a good film for threads. This be the pick of many choices

Blame it on Rio (1985)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes, with a flipper no less.

Best line: "make love to me" "I'm 20 years older than you!" "28." "..........25?"

Two things first of all:

1 - This film is a wrong un. Just think about these statements - "The first time I kissed you, it was at your christening" or "I used to have such a crush on your Father" ".............me too" (spoken by his daughter!!) before heading in.

2 - Caines floating disembodied head and collar in that poster above.

It would be fair, and I don't think Mike would disagree with this, to say that Caine was slumming it on a regular basis at this point in his career. Had he slummed it any further in this film, he might as well have filmed it in the Favela. The script must have read decently enough, being rather snappy with the one liners, but this doesn't translate too well onto the screen. 

The film purports to be a bright comedy of errors for the family to chuckle along to............or is it the unwitting document of something else?

We open with scenes of harrowing nightmarish figures, writhing in pastel turmoil, the product of mental torment, perhaps brought by the effects of a neon sleeping environ?

Then cut to a figure - nervous looking. rambling. confessional.

The tale then unfolds of Caines "unwilling" seduction by his best friends daughter on a family trip to Rio in a time of marital stress and the wife not being around.

UNWILLING

UNWILLING

UNWILLING

"I am not someone who hangs around schoolyards in a raincoat!"

He's innocent. He fell into it. He tried to stop it from continuing!

CONFESS.

CONFESS

Along the way, theres some wonderful showdown between the two fathers, forced into sharing a bed for the night and full of mutual loathing.

GIMME SOME!

GIMME HALF!!!

Random grooving bongo dudes

And.......er.........gentlemen being shaved in the street.

Outfit of the film.
Caine seeks professional help (rightly!) and is correctly dressed for the ceremony.