Ashanti (1979)

Glasses: Sunglasses, but no glasses.

Doing an Accent?: Sort of

Accent for whole film?: Yes

Hair: Yes.

Does he point at someone?: Yes

Best line: (regarding the slave trader who kidnaps his wife) “Dead is just another corpse………alive, he could lead me to my wife.” Said with all the passion of a man reading his P60.

A husband and wife team of doctors are in Africa inoculating the locals. Whilst MC is taking some photos of the tribe, his wife decides to go for a bit of a swim nearby (gratuitous nudity abounds here, in the first ten minutes) and is kidnapped by slavers. In spite of her telling them she’s not a local and is an educated doctor from the W.H.O, they decide to flog her anyway, leading the slave caravan across the deserts and to the marketplace.

Oor Mike don’t take too kindly to his wife being shanghaied, so decides to give chase and The Game is Afoot. Cue a dusty action adventure with Rex Harrison as an anti-slavery official helping out Mr Caine wherever he can, mercenary helicopter pilots and Louis Jourdan’s double hard bastard Indian bodyguard from Octopussy as an El Bourak style figure all joining our man on his mission to rescue his wife.

Caine regards this one as one of the worst films he ever made, but I think he’s being unfair. Its decent enough story and the location filming helps a lot, but its not a well made film, when it could have been yr actual Epic had the director and photographers put some effort into making the film grandiose and sweeping. Instead, the first 30 mins feel like something out of an ITC episode. So I think MC had some expectations for this one going into it and came out disappointed with the final product.

Still, he does some marvellous shouting in this. At slave children, grown men, camels, anything really. Nothing seems to be immune from a Caine Rant. The sight of Michael Caine attempting to mount a camel was worth the price of admission alone (even on a free dvd off the front of a paper I’ve had for about 10 years and never bothered with until now). He also seems to made the decision to return to the Bromhead upper crust voice he puts on from time to time. As the film is set firmly in 1979 and not 1879, it’s a shame, as we could have pretended it was the further adventures of Bromhead in The Continent. Ah well.

Music was utter shite in this one, by the way. Another failing. The prominent bass was alright, I suppose and reminded me of the Frizzi style bass lines in all those Italo horrors.

Moments of interest:

1 – Slowest escape from a helicopter ever. Hovering over a river, the pilots been shot, you are under fire from the enemy and it looks bad. The pilot tells you to get out……………..so you very calmly look at him. Put the gun down in its correct place, it’s a weapon after all and someone might get hurt. Undo the seatbelt and then sedately climb out and leap into the river gently. About 2 seconds later the helicopter immolates.

2 – Its between 1964 and 1980 and you need a morally dubious Arabic/Indian looking chap for your film? You get Marne Maitland. He turns up here as a morally dubious Taureg chief.

3 – Lovely looking scenery somewhere there in the background. Shame they didn’t exploit it to its fullest (I love a good desert, me) but at least its there.



4 – In the grand finale dash to the harbour, Caine knocks a boy carrying bread out of the way. Was this needed? El Bourak went around the boy, but you went through him!? You shit.

5 – We may have found someone even more willing than Caine to take an easy cheque and turn up in any old crap film. All roads lead to a figure called “The Prince” who eventually buys Caines wife. It looks like a £500 for two days in the sun sort of a deal. Turns out to be none other than:

OMAR SHARIF. Here, espousing the joys of a cucumber sandwich. Well, enjoy them............because soon you'll be eating a knuckle sandwich.

Outfit of the film: Where to start? We get Caine the adventurer, Caine the Arab, Caine the doctor. Everything. But, there really is only one choice for this………….and that has to be Mike and Sexy Rexy’s matching “Englishmen abroad” safari suits. THE BOYS ARE OUT ON THE TOWN.