Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.

The Last Valley (1971)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Yes

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory

The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.

So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?

I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.

Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.

 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.

2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM

COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS

In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!

Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.

Dressed to Kill (1980)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes. Only quickly, only once.

Best Line: "Are you sexually attracted to me?" said with all the passion of a cold cobra.

In spite of Michael Caine regularly taking the money where offered, he really kept to a higher level of slumming (i.e kept to the highest paying cheque) and never really dipped into the soupcon of the Italian film industry around this point in his career, like so many of his fellow actors of this vintage and  thus meaning that we missed the chance of seeing him appear in something like an Argento or a Martino movie.

BUT, what Dressed to Kill provides is the closest possible version of what Maurice may have been like had he ended up in a giallo. As this is a purest giallo from that master of aping Argento and Hitchock, Brian De Palma (we like De Palma, here at Caineology, for this exact reason). Chock full of the insanity, violence, trenchcoats and sexual subversions that you expect for yr money when watching one of these.

A frustrated married housewife, bored with her rich life and inattentive husband, confides to her doctor (Caine) that she is sexually frustrated and bored, coming on to him (very professionally rebuted, I must say) and later to a random stranger she meets in a gallery. On the way out of this romantic rendezvous, the poor lady is brutally murdered by the classic giallo killer type - razor, trenchcoat, but no trilby.

The only witness to this murder is a plucky high class prostitute trying to make her way off the street, who sets out to investigate the murder with the womans bereaved son (Guy Picciotto). At the same time, Mr Caine begins receiving threatening phone calls from another patient of his, Bobby, who is undergoing a sex change and is claiming to the murder - having stolen Caines razor for use as the murder weapon. Caine undertakes an investigation of his own to find Bobby and to try prevent any further violence.

Highly stylised, very competent, filmed in classic 80s NY and with all the trashy goodness you could desire from a film like this. Caine does well for his money and gives a very strong performance - if a little subdued. Perhaps the knowledge that this is *gasp* a horror film caused him to hold back a little. Who knows?

This is a film of great set pieces and really deserves more than a single watch to take it all in.

1 - Caine has a special drawer in his office designed for holding his shaving gear? In his office? Theres something deviant about the idea of shaving with a cutthroat razor in the workplace. But then seeing Angie Dickinson being attacked with a Gillette safety razor wouldn't have quite the same impact, I suppose.

2 - Some great faces appear in this film:

SIPOWICZ!

That fellow with the hat, off Friday the 13th 2!

LENNY!

 

3 - The most unfortunate romantic afternoon in history.

4 - "You got better motivation than I do. YO ASS!!"

5 - Shitty tacked on ending. Or is this the moment when De Palma really decided to show his pure Italo admiration? This is pure Italo madness gold.

 

We get hugely irregular mental health facilities. Lit for "calming"

 

Saucy nurses.

 

 

An inmates viewing galley

 

 

And yet another Psycho shower scene, this time with horrifying footwear.

 

 

And a twist after a twist after a twist..........none of which really has much to do with the film.

 

Outfit of the film: Slim pickings here as its all very non descript.

Suppose its the pale blue shirt and dark overcoat, but he's massively overshadowed by Sipowicz leathers n collar effect, and he full well knows it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

 

Best Line: Too many to mention. See #1.

The Man Who Would Be King.......a cornerstone of Mount Mickelwhite and in our humble opinion, one of the greatest films made. So all hope of this being an objective review is straight off from the start. A perfect film, made at the right time with the right people, and the Connery/Caine pairing finds these two at the very peak of their powers and playing off one another superbly.

Set in1882 India, the film tells the tale of Daniel Dravot (Connery) and Peachy Carnehan (Caine), two English (oh Sean, no wonder you look pissed off for half the film) ex army sergeant rogues and gentleman who decide that India is too small for them, so set off on an adventure into Kafiristan, to be crowned kings and to make their fortunes. A true ripping yarn, if ever there was one, as we follow them on this quest.

The underlying key to this film is the nature of it really being about friendship and when they are together, they can do anything, but if the cracks appear between them.......then all may be lost. A perfect story and really theres no "skip" bit of this one, its all good from beginning to end.

Although, with it being so manly, you'll probably need to shave by the end of the film as it promotes testosterone production in all those who view. Take heed.

Apparently John Huston had been trying to make the film for the best part of 20 years, with various pairings being mooted over time, but the project taking as long as it ensured it was done correctly. (although I think the proposed Burton and O'Toole pairing may have been meritorious)

Now if you'll excuse us, we have business at Malware Junction.........


#1 - There is a plethora, a veritable horde, an embarrassing amount of "best lines" in this film making it impossible to choose one. Some choice picks:

"We're going to teach you soldiering, the worlds noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilised men."

"Not Gods - Englishmen. The next best thing."

"Not for us, thank you. Not after watching Afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the officers have copped it."

"Well if a Greek can do it, we can do it"



#2 - The Contract. or "Contrak"

Prior to setting out, Danny and Peachy sign a contract binding one another to the adventure ahead and to ensure things are done properly.

1 - That you and me will settle this thing together. i.e to be Kings of Kafiristan
2 - No liquor, no women
3 - Conduct ourselves with dignity and discretion, and if one gets into trouble, the other will stay by him.

All legally signed and witnessed, to make things above board. Connery drinks his last with savour

 (note "Contrak")

3 - HATS ON!

4 - Later, when temptation arises (as it normally does in these sorts of scenarios), it leads to a wonderful exchange between our two heroes:

"Danny, lets go find safety in battle."

Which they duly do in the redcoats, no less! This makes total sense seeing as they are proud ex soldiers of classical British imperial pomp.It may be a dusty bowl in the depths of the middle east, but this is an army led by British gentlemen.

5 - The indignant faces of Sean Connery

Luckily, our Daniel is a charmer or he'd a right grumpy sod, even by Connery standards. Who, as we all know, does a fine line in indignant pride, leading to the wonderfully defiant "CUT, YOU BUGGERS!!" line.

Outfit of the film: A plethora of choices here, with the redcoat very nearly taking it, but I was rather taken with this raffish "fur bonnet, scarf over the shoulder, rustic chic" effort Caine effortlessly pulls off.

    

Water (1985)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: No

Does he point at someone?: Amazingly.......NO! I thought he was gonna, but no.

 

 

Best Line: "It would seem to the British government that Cascara is the dot above the "i" in Shit!"

 

Water..........bottled water.......a most 1980s subject for a film, no? Lord knows what fee Mr Caine received for this film, but I don't think it could have been more than a drop in the vast ocean of his wealth.

 

We got the man acting as the Governor of Cascara (cue Bromhead accent and mannerisms), a long forgotten British colonial backwater out in the Carribean, a benevolent governor who seems to have gone troppo and is a weed farmer in his spare time. Dastardly American big business with drilling rights return to the island and strike gold, liquid gold!

 

.............no, not oil. WATER! Perrier Water to be exact with an added laxative property. Yep, this is the sort of concept we're dealing with here. As the various factions begin to squabble over who owns what, local rebel forces attempt an uprising and larger scale governments get involved, its up to our Mickey to be the one who has to pour oil on these troubled waters (sorry).

 

I'm sure that in 1985 this must have been very topical, what with the Falklands being recent news, Thatcher impersonations and poking all manner of fun at various establishment figures, but in reality it all falls a bit flat and loses its fizz (sorry). In some ways it reminds me of Carlton Brown of the F.O. a film which covers the same sort of topics, but does it a lot better and in a less obvious manner.

 

Also, Caines wife in this film is so annoying and grating that they really should have thrown her into the sea at some point.

 

So, a reasonable nothing of a film really. This one does what it aims to do, but theres much better out there. I designate it a rating of Highland Spring

 

Right, interesting details:

 

1 - The music. We got chirpy upbeat reggae throughout this baby..........by EDDY GRANT no less!

 

 

 

 2 - This film is an absolutely overflowing (sorry) with character actors doing their thing.

We got Leonard Rossiter as an uptight stiff arsed governmental figure. (alas, no Cinzano.)

Fulton Mackay as a dishelleved drunken stoner priest

The wonderful Fred Gwynne as a good ol' boy Texas oil baron.

Billy Connolly, no less, as a singing rebel revolutionary. His characters trait of singing all his lines gets pretty tired, pretty bloody quickly, let me tell you. 

4- Eventually, this all leads up to a plea to the UN in the form of a protest song being hollered out by the Big Yin. Not the best way of appealing for help, frankly, but what can you do?

Even the people he's supposed to be appealing on behalf of know this is a bloody terrible song and idea, but what can they........wait who's tha........???

.....wha????

How did they get in there????

Cue sans Macca happy ending

Outfit of the film. Hmmmm, theres a lot of snazzy troppo shirts being worn by Snr Caine. But the hat takes it.