The Island (1980)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "How many Dads give their kids an air crash? Right?"

One of the great joys of Caineology is the fact that due to the mans relentless dismissal of anything resembling quality control, you really don't know what you will be getting when the film begins. And Michael, Oh Michael, what made you read this and think "seems reasonable. Yes, sign me up" *points at agent*??

From the poster and the little I knew, I thought that we'd be getting an aquatic slasher film (struggling for suitable puns here, can only think of "Shalloween" which is shite) and to be fair, the opening of the film does establish this idea very well with an effective opening gore scene and our Man MC playing a journalist who notices that a large number of boats have been going missing in the Carribean, so decides to go down that way to investigate and is accompanied by his 12 year old son, for some spurious reason. 


He's a divorced Dad, so I suppose some quality time together seemed like a good idea. Plentiful "don't tell yr mother" style lines of humour abound.

After some more asking about in Florida, it seems that the only way to really find out whats happening is to get out to the islands and continue work there, so they accompany a cargo plane on a trip.

For some reason, when being written out, this sounds a bit Zombie Flesh Eaters plot? Kid aside.

CUE MASSIVE FIREY PLANE CRASH AND IMMOLATION

All bets are off now and this film goes utterly batshit mental. Being stranded on an island for a couple of days (not yet The Island), Father and Son get some Father and Son quality time together with a bit of fishing, so hire a boat.

Then the pirates turn up from The Island and not just modern day pirates, but 17th century Pirates cut off from modern society and talking in a made up language, dressed in the classic garb and living in wattle & daub huts, no less. Seriously.

Caine guns one dead (1-0 civilisation) but falls and is knocked unconscious, only to wake in their clutches and be led around on a lead like a chimp, sexed by a saucy blonde and forced to watch his son being brainwashed against him by some slumming thespians. 

Can he get free? Can he save his son? Will civilised man triumph over the barbarians? Will Caine mention this film in polite society ever again?

Problem with this film? Its too long for a start. Chop it down to a 90 mins and it might be more fun, but theres a long drag to some scenes. Don't scrimp on that jellyfish attack though. The joy of watching Caine thrashing about acting being attacked by a rubber jellyfish was worth the £4.50 inc post I paid.

But.........there is more............

1 - We get our first appearance of Sir Michael in what looks like New York, but is it Gotham City?

This leads one to consider, if this is Gotham......then is this Alfred in his younger days? That would explain quite a lot about some of the happenings later on.

2 - Whilst driving along and being nagged by his Son, the boy decides that he really really REALLY wants a gift. So, instead of a clip around the ear for being a needy little, Caine buys  him a GUN?!?! Is that normal in Florida? Best of all, they try it out at the range, seeming to shoot David Johansen alikes for fun. Damned hippies.

3 - Caine, for seeming no real reason other than wanting to, bludgeons the shit out of a Barracuda with a stick. And this is before the pirates turn up.

4 - This film is stuffed with the cream of jobbing British actors, and it is always a pleasure to spend cinematic time in the company of Dudley Sutton. Much love for Mr Sutton here upon the heights of Mt Mickelwhite. 

Here, he plays a typically restrained underplayed role

5 - Midway through the film, theres a boarding action upon a yuppie yacht. Now this seemingly polite fellow......

(reading his copy of Alien)

.......turns out be a bonafide KARATE MAN of the classical sense and tries to fight them off, one by one, complete with crazy eye and Bruce Lee noises. He fails, valiantly.

6 - Later on, there is a second raid but this time upon a much bigger target....a US naval gunship. As the raid begins, one of the pirates is determined to stand out from the crowd and  really leave an impression.......

Bravo, sir, bravo. Man of the film.

7 - Amongst all of these goings on the film does really drag for long stretches at a time. During one, I was beginning to yawn and look at the clock.....

......then BOOM!! CAINE MACHINE GUN MASSACRE!!

Beautiful, just beautiful.

As the film ends, it seems that MC is left stranded in the Caribbean.......So, if he's not Alfred, then perhaps this is how Hoagie ended up in the tropics, drinking, gambling and living out his days?

Outfit of the film - In the midst of sweaty gun lovers, our man cuts an upper crust of class amongst the tight t-shirts.

(note the disdain)

And on that, we shall leave the final words to Mr Caine.

Water (1985)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: No

Does he point at someone?: Amazingly.......NO! I thought he was gonna, but no.

 

 

Best Line: "It would seem to the British government that Cascara is the dot above the "i" in Shit!"

 

Water..........bottled water.......a most 1980s subject for a film, no? Lord knows what fee Mr Caine received for this film, but I don't think it could have been more than a drop in the vast ocean of his wealth.

 

We got the man acting as the Governor of Cascara (cue Bromhead accent and mannerisms), a long forgotten British colonial backwater out in the Carribean, a benevolent governor who seems to have gone troppo and is a weed farmer in his spare time. Dastardly American big business with drilling rights return to the island and strike gold, liquid gold!

 

.............no, not oil. WATER! Perrier Water to be exact with an added laxative property. Yep, this is the sort of concept we're dealing with here. As the various factions begin to squabble over who owns what, local rebel forces attempt an uprising and larger scale governments get involved, its up to our Mickey to be the one who has to pour oil on these troubled waters (sorry).

 

I'm sure that in 1985 this must have been very topical, what with the Falklands being recent news, Thatcher impersonations and poking all manner of fun at various establishment figures, but in reality it all falls a bit flat and loses its fizz (sorry). In some ways it reminds me of Carlton Brown of the F.O. a film which covers the same sort of topics, but does it a lot better and in a less obvious manner.

 

Also, Caines wife in this film is so annoying and grating that they really should have thrown her into the sea at some point.

 

So, a reasonable nothing of a film really. This one does what it aims to do, but theres much better out there. I designate it a rating of Highland Spring

 

Right, interesting details:

 

1 - The music. We got chirpy upbeat reggae throughout this baby..........by EDDY GRANT no less!

 

 

 

 2 - This film is an absolutely overflowing (sorry) with character actors doing their thing.

We got Leonard Rossiter as an uptight stiff arsed governmental figure. (alas, no Cinzano.)

Fulton Mackay as a dishelleved drunken stoner priest

The wonderful Fred Gwynne as a good ol' boy Texas oil baron.

Billy Connolly, no less, as a singing rebel revolutionary. His characters trait of singing all his lines gets pretty tired, pretty bloody quickly, let me tell you. 

4- Eventually, this all leads up to a plea to the UN in the form of a protest song being hollered out by the Big Yin. Not the best way of appealing for help, frankly, but what can you do?

Even the people he's supposed to be appealing on behalf of know this is a bloody terrible song and idea, but what can they........wait who's tha........???

.....wha????

How did they get in there????

Cue sans Macca happy ending

Outfit of the film. Hmmmm, theres a lot of snazzy troppo shirts being worn by Snr Caine. But the hat takes it.

A Shock to the System (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No, except when he says "Goddamn"

Accent for whole film?: No.
Hair: No

Does he point at someone?: Yes. Repeatedly.

Best line: "I've never understood why you need a stair machine WHEN WE HAVE STAIRS!?!"

Gonna come out straight on this one............I love this film.

First watched it in the late 90s when returning home from the pub (classic scenario!) and looking for something to watch on the telly. "Ah, a Caine. Never heard of it. 1990. Lets give it a go" and ended up 100% enjoying it all the way through. Then didn't watch it for another 15 years before having a Xmas drink and talking Caine (We at Mount Mickelwhite prefer to talk Caine whilst indulging in a libation), rewatched and it stood up to The Test.

Our Maurice plays "Graham Marshall" a man who has made his way up the corporate ladder (a world where you never need a light for yr fat cigar), has the wife, has the house, is a nice chap and is all set to get the promotion he's wanted for a while.

Except...........he's bored and dissatisfied with his life and shallow people around him, remembering when he was younger, on his way up and loving his life.

When he is passed over for a younger man, promotion wise, and accidentally kills a tramp in the NY subway and gets away with it, the feeling of power from that is revitalising, so he decides to have a clear out of obstacles in the way of the things he wants and stopping him being where he wants to be.

ITS YUPPIE KILLIN' TIME.

(He also thinks he's a wizard.)



Theres a nice touch in the film being narrated by Caine as though the story was being told after its happened, so we follow his path with explanation of why he does what he does. It works really well and we all end up rooting for good ol' Mike..............in spite of him being a killer and therefore a "bad man". Great acting from Mauzzer to make this character humane, likeable and honest. Even when plotting to brutally murder people.



The Good Stuff

1 - The music. Gary Changs soundtrack is a sort of upbeat double bass led Xylophone midi jazz affair. Very nice, very NY, VERY 1990.

Except......theres a naggingly insistent string motif that plays a lot..............What is that?.............What does that remind me of?.............

2 - The Rants. Of Which There Are Many and Varied.

3 - The Jack Carter Stare. Get on the end of that and you won't see a tomorrow.

 

 

4 - This recommendation in the trailer.

 





 

Good enough for me!


5 - Out with his new boss who got the job instead of him, on a "no hard feelings" weekend.

 

"cuts along at a jolly clip too, doesn't she?"

"She jolly well does!"

Mike...........you end him.  you end him GOOD. You have my full support. I'll even lend an alibi.


6 - Theres a smart little moment where Caine walks into the office after chatting with his friend George on the journey in about all sorts of stuff. The instant they leave the lift onto their floor, he switches into work mode, starts talking shop and addressing the days issues. Nice little touch that is recognisable for anyone who works in an office environment (as I do, sadly. Not started bumping em off yet though) where you leave the job in the entrance on the way in and out.

Outfit of the film: Lots of sharp business suits. Difficult choice as they are all a bit samey. Probably this number, making the lift look a bit regal

See this film! Its on tha 'tube right now in full. Don't buy the DVD I've got at its really dark n crappy looking. Still, at £1 I can't complain too much.

Surrender (1987)

Glasses: No.

Doing an accent?: No.

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: Looking wig-like at some points, but Yes.
Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best line: “My name is…….” (at which point I interjected with my best “Michael Caine!”)

A bright and breezy comedy, full of pastel colours, sunshine and lovely apartments. Those golden names Golan and Globus appeared in the credits, so our boy took the Cannon cash at least once. That familiar hexagonal stamp of quality at the beginning is always guaranteed to cheer your day.

Must say, I enjoyed this film a lot and Caine can give himself a hearty “job well done” and open another restaurant or whatever he did with the cheque.

MC plays a successful writer, an honest man, who has a string of failed marriages and relationships behind him and ends up believing that women have only ever loved him for his money, swearing off women accordingly and growing bitter. Sally Field is a frustrated good girl painter, working in an assembly line paintings factory and in an unhappy relationship with a rich, successful, Steve Guttenberg. Who is a bit of a whiney twat to be honest. Would have liked Caine to chin him really, no joy there.

The two meet under unusual circumstances and end up tied together naked which raises an interest (amongst other things) from Caine, who decides to  not only woo Field but not let on he’s a rich man in order to test if she loves him for himself and not his fat wallet. Wacky hi-jinks ensue in the way they always do in this genre.

Recommended for a light frothy comedy sort of mood. I reckon this’d make a good double bill with Cannons “Barfly”. Soundtrack is a killer too - upbeat blues jazz piano led stuff. 

Things of interest;

1 – Guttenberg appears to have turned up as Tom Selleck.

2 – Guttenbergs magnificent yuppie flat is a joy of 80s design and aspirational living. I would 100% live there.

 3 – Full Gamut of Caines Ability. We get it all, from shouty, to bumbling, to suave, to “eyes watery voice trembling”. Its like a greatest hits of the mans riffs.

4 – Caines latest book. A work of art in itself.

5 – Mike not taking getting dumped very well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve all been there mate.



 

6 - Magnificent yuppie party. I detect the hand of Sir Golan waving over this. The glitzy disco version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" is sheer brilliance. When do I get to go to parties like this?

Outfit of the film: Caine is rockin’ some decent schmatte in this film. Very late 80s, but he’s going for the baggy look. Somehow though..........seeing Himself in denim and trainers just don’t sit right, so we’ll go for this double grey rolled sleeve casual suit he selects for going out whoring in. I suspect he also yachts in it.