The Last Valley (1971)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Yes

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "There is no God!! It's a LEEEEEGEEEENDD!!!" howled in German accented glory

The Last Valley, set during the Thirty Years War, came through as a disappointment. Sorry, but cards on the table right there. Disappointing.

Its a good era, right? Although I'm an English Civil War person myself, the era is a rich one for story telling, for folklore, for fantastic doom laden overcast skies and brooding tales. You know, in this era if the lancers didn't get you, then the plague would. If the plague didn't then you'll likely starve to death anyway.

We start well, with Omar Sharif in a role that REALLY should have been Klaus Kinski, fleeing all manner of horribleness through gorgeous settings, yet ominous and foreboding. He arrives in a valley, seemingly free of war and at peace. Shortly afterwards, Caine and his group of hardbitten mercs arrive (inc a clean shaven Brian Blessed in a leather studded crust punk top and mild mohawk - straight outta Discharge) and take the place hostage. The usual nastiness is expected to occur when Omar convinces Captain Caine to leave the Valley in peace and sit out the winter there in relative goodliness.

After a bit of random murder, Caine agrees and the film settles into endless rounds of minor bureaucratic action and utter utter dullness, frittering away any patience I had been carrying in expectation of the good stuff that must follow.

Yeah, we get some as people get antsy and rebellions start - with a rather dull fight sequence and some suspiciously accurate musket fire, some good old fashioned witch trial and burning, and a whacking great siege sequence.

Now - ALL of that, I like. ALL OF IT. Thats my stuff right there. But why didn't it hook me? I mean, literally roll some dice and write a plot with those elements and I'd be happy as they come. I'm the sort of person than rues the fact that Witchfinder General didn't have a whacking great Naseby battle sequence in the middle of it, due to budget, only some talk and that meeting with Cromwell when Marshall gets promoted - so this should have been all over me, except:

1 - Its too damned long. Get it chopped down to maybe 100 minutes and it would have been a far superior film and less faffing about.

2 - Its just not grim enough. It tries, but the key fact here is that open blue skies don't often make for grim atmospheres. And the film opened right up when it was mist shrouded woods, snowy backdrops and trudgin' mud. (more that later)

3 - John Barrys score didn't quite fit right. I love Barry, but this was a bit too grand. It needed something slightly less brassy and a bit Iommic in feel.

4 - It made the criminal act of being dull. Bad films, I have time for and can freely enjoy (bloody hell, I've seen Blame It On Rio no less than five times, I'm qualified here). Dull films make me annoyed at the waste of time.

So. Mixed feelings, but overall one of reasonable disappointment. I think Michael Reeves would have made a damned good film out of this. Or possibly had it been a Euro film, that would have given it an edge, as they were knocking out trve doom films at this time. 

Perhaps it needed a bit more grubbiness and shit on its shoes?

I may well watch it again though, so who knows. Perhaps I needed a stiffener for it, rather than being stone cold sober.

Our boy does aquit himself well, mind, very well. Even in that absurd helmet. He even rants in German! Apparently he took lessons to work on his German accent which paid off, as I can think of plenty of times his Germanic accent got an outing in the years to come. Doctor Emil Schuffhausen, for one.

Caine himself listed this as one of his favourites. But then we disagree on many things.

 1 - Bearded MC. Less unruly than Dr Bryant and fairly suited. I wonder if it was role specific or just his look at that point, in the way that many of Christopher Lees films from about 68-71 had him fully tached, even when its not quite right for the character.

2 - Some fantastic cinema to look at in this, possibly the best thing about the film. Some real fantastic locations in there, if you wanted to look at it in that sense.

DEATH FROST HAMMER

THEE FOREST OV DOOM

COMUS FOLK RITVAL

DE MYSTERIIS DOM CAINEUS

In fact, had this been a bit more Conan (82 version) about its approach to atmosphere, to the characters and to the events taking place, it would have been greatly improved.

3 - Towards the end, we do get the glory of a great battle. A good looking one - but again, all a bit theatrical and not hefty enough. Noone really looks like they get hurt, and if theres one thing we do know about the Thirty Years War..........it's that it hurt!

Outfit of the film: Owning it in a cloak, armour and gauntlets. No wonder they call him The Captain.

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

 

Best Line: Too many to mention. See #1.

The Man Who Would Be King.......a cornerstone of Mount Mickelwhite and in our humble opinion, one of the greatest films made. So all hope of this being an objective review is straight off from the start. A perfect film, made at the right time with the right people, and the Connery/Caine pairing finds these two at the very peak of their powers and playing off one another superbly.

Set in1882 India, the film tells the tale of Daniel Dravot (Connery) and Peachy Carnehan (Caine), two English (oh Sean, no wonder you look pissed off for half the film) ex army sergeant rogues and gentleman who decide that India is too small for them, so set off on an adventure into Kafiristan, to be crowned kings and to make their fortunes. A true ripping yarn, if ever there was one, as we follow them on this quest.

The underlying key to this film is the nature of it really being about friendship and when they are together, they can do anything, but if the cracks appear between them.......then all may be lost. A perfect story and really theres no "skip" bit of this one, its all good from beginning to end.

Although, with it being so manly, you'll probably need to shave by the end of the film as it promotes testosterone production in all those who view. Take heed.

Apparently John Huston had been trying to make the film for the best part of 20 years, with various pairings being mooted over time, but the project taking as long as it ensured it was done correctly. (although I think the proposed Burton and O'Toole pairing may have been meritorious)

Now if you'll excuse us, we have business at Malware Junction.........


#1 - There is a plethora, a veritable horde, an embarrassing amount of "best lines" in this film making it impossible to choose one. Some choice picks:

"We're going to teach you soldiering, the worlds noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilised men."

"Not Gods - Englishmen. The next best thing."

"Not for us, thank you. Not after watching Afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the officers have copped it."

"Well if a Greek can do it, we can do it"



#2 - The Contract. or "Contrak"

Prior to setting out, Danny and Peachy sign a contract binding one another to the adventure ahead and to ensure things are done properly.

1 - That you and me will settle this thing together. i.e to be Kings of Kafiristan
2 - No liquor, no women
3 - Conduct ourselves with dignity and discretion, and if one gets into trouble, the other will stay by him.

All legally signed and witnessed, to make things above board. Connery drinks his last with savour

 (note "Contrak")

3 - HATS ON!

4 - Later, when temptation arises (as it normally does in these sorts of scenarios), it leads to a wonderful exchange between our two heroes:

"Danny, lets go find safety in battle."

Which they duly do in the redcoats, no less! This makes total sense seeing as they are proud ex soldiers of classical British imperial pomp.It may be a dusty bowl in the depths of the middle east, but this is an army led by British gentlemen.

5 - The indignant faces of Sean Connery

Luckily, our Daniel is a charmer or he'd a right grumpy sod, even by Connery standards. Who, as we all know, does a fine line in indignant pride, leading to the wonderfully defiant "CUT, YOU BUGGERS!!" line.

Outfit of the film: A plethora of choices here, with the redcoat very nearly taking it, but I was rather taken with this raffish "fur bonnet, scarf over the shoulder, rustic chic" effort Caine effortlessly pulls off.

    

The Eagle has Landed (1976)

Glasses: No
Doing an Accent?: Generically upper crust, passing as German.
Accent for whole film?: Yes
Hair: Short.  Blond.  Aryan.
Does he point at someone?: Only the once.


Being a dedicated Cainite is all about management of expectations.  You take what is being offered and make the most of what you're given.  Even the meagrest effort can have the odd moment (a rant, a point, glasses) that justifies the cost and time invested.

That said THE EAGLE HAS LANDED is quite, quite, quite, poor.

Himself is playing Steiner a (surprise!) German Paratrooper, currently in disgrace and sentenced to a penal battalion for trying (and failing) to save a Jewish lady in the opening scene.  It's hard to see this as anything other than a tissue thin cover for making the hero a German soldier circa 1939-45  'Look, he might be wearing a swastika armband, but he's not all bad eh?'

Robert DuVall, an eye-patched, chain-smoking Intelligence officer (and the only cast member to have a go at the accent) is tasked with drawing up a plan to kidnap Winston Churchill from deepest Norfolk.  DuVall picks MC and his men (sensible decision) and Donald Sutherlands louche, smirking, Irish Republican (incomprehensible decision) as the missions advance man.  This is where the film officially starts to fall apart.

Sutherland is a fine actor, but he's bizarre in this one. A wise-quipping, hard drinking, frightfully wigged Irish stereotype doesn't seem like the sort of chap Nazi HQ would heap great responsibility on.  Sutherland seems to have decided that he's in a knockabout comedy and plays his character as such (to be fair, he has form for this, see Heroes, Kellys).

Look, TEHL is a heist film at heart.  And heist films need to let the audience in on (some) of the plan, saving a few twists and surprises for the final reel.  And for all the fart-arsing around there doesn't seem to be much in the way of Plan.  Dress the Germans up as Poles, get them into the village, have them do some exercises to fool the local bumpkins  and then....?  No wonder the Germans lost.

The arrival of JR from Dallas as the commander of the locally based US forces means that we finally get to see some action (albeit of a hokey, stagey, bullshit variety) when the 'Mericans decide to storm the church where Der Deustch have holed up after their piss poor plan turned out to be a piss poor plan.

It is a bad film and punishingly long.  Worst of all, MC doesn't have anything interesting to do.  We can forgive many things here at Caineology Manor, but we can't abide a squandered Mike.

POINTS OF INTEREST

1)

Producers cameo budget well invested in getting DP in.  He plays Himmler as a smarmy, backstabbing, officious and pedantic little goitre and does a fine job.

2)
Donald Sutherland managing to woo the extremely fruity Jenny Agutter within two minutes of meeting despite a) actually dressing like this

...and b) being a Nazi spy.


3)
There was a good hour of the film where the 'Lets Kidnap Winny C' plan isn't mentioned at all.  In fact it's less a 'Nazis steal Churchill' film than it is a 'Mike and the boys are squatting in a church'

4)
It's a charmingly rustic Norfolk village with lovably backwards locals, but it only seems to have a population of 12.  And half of them are German agents.

5) "In a 1976 interview with Photoplay Film Magazine, Michael Caine (Kurt Steiner) claimed that his main reason for accepting this role was that he had turned down Where Eagles Dare (1968) and did not want to turn down another World War II film with "Eagle" in its title."
MCs decision making process is excellently random.

6) Col Steiner is definitely not based on Otto Skorzeny.  No Sir, not at all.

OUTFIT OF THE FILM

Not much choice here, given its a war film.  So first place goes to this snappy, post-raid 'cream roll-neck sweater, black rubber jacket, cap and cigar' combo.  Unfortunately the rest of Caines men are donning the same getup leaving them looking like the worlds most sinister folk band.