Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.

Michael Caine: Acting in Film (1987)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "If I keep blinking............it weakens me"

An acting showcase, a masterclass from the master, a rare glimpse behind the facade and an insight into the methodology of Snr Caine.

We begin with Caine overlording a group of students (inc Celia Imrie??) and the audience, firmly putting his generalship into place here and ensuring all know that he is the boss in this room. This is accentuated by lots of pointing and commands - he's in full Lahndahn voice here - to the assistants and crew.

This section mainly relates to the camera, its purpose, how to move around it, what to watch and how to anticipate what may happen during the making of a film. 

All great, but this is cut with endless terrifying close up shots of the man.

"The camera is your lover"

"The camera is your belt behind you"

"If you are going to do action or movement.....*point*....Plan It"

Why does this exist? Who conjured it into being? For what purpose? They should be lauded, whoever they are, as this is purest purest gold. Essentially, its an hour of Caine strutting about in front of an audience (he looks nervous at the beginning but soon warms up by professing love to the nearest camera) throwing out bon mots, advice and his personal knowledge of what it takes to be a good actor. All seemingly without stopping to even take his coat off. He points like a fuckin' madman too, almost every line being punctuated with jabs and the occasional double jab.

Along the way, we find some fine insights into MC, (when he's not cadging for fags off the students)

"Always Steal, but only steal from the best. Because what you saw them do.........they stole!"

"I never watch the rushes...everyone buys their yachts at the rushes and goes bankrupt at the premiere"

We then fade out and into the next session, in which the students take the lead and perform some classic Caine scenes, whilst the master observes and dispenses sage wisdom from a bar stool.

We start with Alfie. Not sure about this fellow, he's not very good. Now, acting out an Alfie scene whilst Alfie himself lurks in the background is intimidating enough, but doing when its going to be evaulated?

The boy moves about a lot. Tries pointing. MC chips in with some advice - very good advice - but the younger is visibly more stiff than he was. He keeps blinking too......in spite of being told not to just ten minutes before. Eventually, MC sits in and goes through it, with the gulf in quality between the two clearly apparent as soon as the scene starts again.

Incidentally............why did Caine never direct a film? (I think its safe to assume he'll never do so at this point in his life).

At this point...........its audience question time who soon start barking them out in rapid order. Hold back people, hold back, he's only able to answer so many people at the same time!

Next up - Death Trap......and a sudden line of narration from Caine?? Theres literally one line of voiceover and thats it? Bit like that bizarre moment (of very very many) in Argentos "Phenomena" when theres a sudden line of narration in a film that has no other narration throughout. Oh, OH, had that Caine taken the Donald Pleasance role in that! 

But we digress............Celias up and shes doing an accent. The older, more thickset of the  male actors ain't up to much either, as he's stiff as a board.

"You have to listen very carefully to every god damned thing he says, cos you don't know what the FUCKING HELL he's gonna say!"

Cut to the students sat at MC's leather shoe'd feet and some direct questions. We learn:

1 - Special effects. Let them explain, then get the stuntman to do it first. Fair enough, I say!

2 - The difficulties of "intimate" scenes. Keep a bottle of throat spray in yer pocket.

Then a peach of a question:

"What makes you decide to do a film, if you get a script? What makes you decide to make it?"

Caine pauses. Shuffles uneasily. 

Gives a slightly woolly answer about "is it different?", "career", "is it a challenge?", "what kind of film is it, budget wise" etc etc.

Look mate, we all know the answer. THE CHEQUE

Oh, and we get an answer to why he's never directed a film. "Its too much work. Theres a economic reason to me not doing it" i.e. CASH

Lastly, a scene from Educating Rita is played out and more accents get deployed. The perms been there since the opening of the film. Pretty by numbers this, but we do get a full blow by blow of how Mike does his drunken actings - which, lets be honest, he does an awful lot of the time. Just click on that "drunken master" tag and see how many times he's trotted this routine out on camera. 

Nice to finally see how its done, mind. And it is very good, to be fair.

Suddenly, the film ends on this freeze frame for about thirty seconds, after which it fades to black and white, allowing the credits to roll in somber silence.

Outfit of the film. Well, theres only one and its his own clothes - but he's looking pretty damned regal in that leather jacket.

The Holcroft Covenant (1985)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No. Even though he's suppose to be American

Accent for whole film?: Didn't even bother starting with one

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes



Best line: "May I suggest that it is extremely difficult for a man in a grey flannel suit to behave naturally while riding on a horse in the middle of the night whilst waiting for a man to shoot at him?"

An espionage thriller, that sorely underrepresented genre in MC's filmography..........seriously, what is it with spy films and Caine? Every time we sit down with a film, its bloody spy film! We've already considered the ins and outs of this in other genre entries, so shall not devote any more space, other than to say - theres still more of them out there in the filmography!

So, end of WW2 and some "good" Nazis decide to make amends by funnelling cash away to be distributed by their infant children when they come of age. This amount of money, a reasonable $4,500,000,000 is to be used for causes of good and justice in the world.

Our boy, chosen as the lead of this covenant, probably due to age, is currently an established architect (he has his name above the practice), having grown up in America and knowing nothing of his father other than the fact he was a Nazi and therefore a bit of a shit. Once the details of what is unfolding are given to him "heres this money, you are to track the other children down, sign the covenant and then begin your life as a do-gooder. It'll be dangerous, mind you" seems infinitely more preferable to his role as the architect for various commercial designs, so he takes the role on.

And, to be honest, when we first meet Caine he's on site checking drawings with the contractor, so its a stage 5 job. Later, he's getting harrassing phone calls from said contractor, so I don't blame him for scarpering at that point of the project and leaving the associates to sort it out. Who probably dumped it on the part 2s as their case study......but I digress......

We quickly shift to good ol' London (quick sight seeing tour to establish where we are), where The Caine is contacted by various agencies, made to prove himself, is followed by hitmen, proves to be a SHITE spy (some really classy acting choices from Caine here, playing a buffoon amongst serious people) and then goes on a pan European run to get to the final signing of the convenant and the consequences that arise from that. He honestly has't a clue what he's gotten himself wrapped up in.

Bloody good film, I think. In spite of its many flaws, its watchable, entertaining, kinda makes sense and looks rather lovely. Especially as the wonderful Victoria Tennant plays the love interest/main spy and we've been solidly In Love With her ever since seeing her performance in LA Story many moons ago, much to the ongoing chagrin of Mrs Thwaites.

However, it appears that The Holcroft Covenant isn't that popular with critics (well, when have they got it right, really?) or widely seen, but this is the cornerstone work of Caineology:

 We Watch Michael Caines Films So You Don't Have To.

So - recommended, but don't expect a high level drama as this veers from revenge to spy to nazi hunting to broad comedy to romance to all sorts of madness. Theres a great ending to this film - good pay off to all the previous running around. A coda wraps all loose ends up nice and tidy.


Music is utterly utterly shit too. Honestly, the worst possible score imaginable - all stabby pastel midi synth jazz nonsense. Terrible. Frankenheimer take note: a bad score like that dates, ages and degrades a film. It may seem "chic" in '85, but let me tell you, by '86 it was already dated.


Observations:

1 - Oddly, this appears to be a Cannon film from thier golden era, but theres no Golan/Globus credit?

It has the Hexagonal seal of quality

And all the bizarro delights that the GoGo boys bring....

.........but not them?

Very odd.



2 - Spy business #1

Drive.

What?

Drive!

I don't know how?

What do you mean? Everyone drives!

Not in New York they don't. It takes forever.

3 - Spy business #2

"what I vish to know, Miister Holcroft.......is are you a member of the Neo Nazis?"




Our man is taken aback, rightly. Even when he played a Nazi, they weren't proper Nazis

Cue predictable reaction.

4 - RANDOM CAR EXPLOSION. At this point, the Bad Guys are trying to assassinate Caines mother. For some reason. Who knows? Cannon Film, after all.

Why not just shoot her in the street and use the car to drive away?


5 - Finally, they meet the third child and signatory of the covenant. He turns out to be very gregarious and charming, and our boy is instantly won over, displaying a smile that could feed children and cure illness.

Look at that sheer happiness.


6 - Okay, around halfway through, our notes state "What the fuck is going on?". Things get rather confusing at this point

We get a whores carnival, which Caine enjoys

A high speed chase through the sex district

and Sir Michael Caine CBE, Knight of the Realm, shown how to build a gun whilst in a Berlin sex club, with naked girls mud wrestling at his feet, with numbered whores spinning on a human roulette in the background.

Again, Cannon Film.

7 - That chase and gunfight. Now, this is supposed to be in Berlin, but I highly suspect this was filmed in London, just behind Borough Market, in Montague Close, Nancys Steps and around Southwark Cathedral.

8 - Dutch Angles. Half the film is dutch angles. No, really.

I suspect there was a motif at play here - whenever something dodgy is afoot, we get a dutch angle to display this element of danger in the air.


Outfit of the film: We're partial to a tank top here, but we've never been able to wear one in such a sinister way as Lord Caine, High Priest of Knitwear.

Pulp (1972)

Glasses: Yes.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes


Best line (narrated): "Her tongue went deep. It was alive, wet and very shocking. I had visions of refuelling in space."

Before starting, let us state something. As far as we are concerned, this film has the definitive 70s Caine look in it. DEFINITIVE. Right?

That out of the way, we can move on.

Pulp - the same team that brought us Get Carter, that rightly lauded classic, goes further into the rabbit hole and is a love letter to pulp crime fiction as a whole, rather than a pulp crime novel turned into a film.

Caine plays Mickey King, a writer of pulp novels under a variety of pen names, living in Malta and generally trying to get on with his mid life crisis, gets an assignment to ghost write an autobiography of a retired film star (Mickey Rooney), who was rumoured to have had mob connections back in the day.

Having decided to take this assignment (Caine turn down cash? I mean really?) he then finds that life begins to imitate his fiction in ways he never could have expected, when people start turning up dead around him and a long buried mystery is uncovered.

Now, this film has everything going for it - people, place, time, fashion, the lot. But, and this is the third time I've seen it, it just doesn't really hang together right.

Frustrating as this is a film that we should love here at Fortress Mickelwhite, being lovers of sunny locales, early 70s fashions, pulp novels of all creeds and euro crime, but it just doesn't happen.

Of course, that doesn't mean we won't be watching it again in future, attempting to unlock it and love it. Oh no.

Suspicion about this lies in the tone of the film. For the first 20 mins or so, its a very very broad slapstick comedy and puts you in this mood, then the mystery continues in a similar tone, lowered a little and really, the final crime when revealed is one that's so brutal and nasty that it just doesn't sit with the preceding knockabout and carved ham that went before it.

A shame, but it is what it is. Had so much going for it (Caines narration is spot on perfect), but fumbles it towards the end and doesn't recover.

However, it does recover some points for the frankly gorgeous décor on display. Watching the film to soak up some of that is probably worthwhile in itself.

Minutae:

1: Amongst the various characters that appear, a beautifully waspish Dennis Price turns up, quoting Alice in Wonderland and being a true example to us all.

Now Dennis would have been deep into the bottle at this point, with Pulp coming between Tower of Evil (yes!) and a Jess Franco, but he still knows how to steal a scene dammit.

(note bloody mary)

Dennis - I would say dearly missed, but to be honest, you tend to crop up in at least one film a week that I watch.

2: The book titles and author names.

Very well done, the pastiche of pulp conventions from the era is spot on.

3: Dignity shredding dance breakout

Of course, this is before the 1980s when, as we all know, our Mike had no dignity at all in films. (See: just about any film tagged 1980s on this blog)

Outfit of the film: Well, he only wears one, but its a cracker.

I once strolled through Florence dressed like this, except my white suit has a thin navy pinstripe and I was wearing a hat.

In my head, I looked like this (or Klaus in Fitzcarraldo), but in reality I looked a right tosser.