Half Moon Street (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: No (we think)

Best Line: There isn't one really. See below

Half Moon Street, which runs just off Green Park station up towards Curzon, if my memory is right. Good setting for a film, good London scenery in the film as we open with Sigourney Weaver jogging through the streets of classic 80s London, only for a car bomb to go off just beside her - leading to almost no reaction, no investigation and no stopping for a witness statement. Dunno what thats all about as I've been in the vicinity of a terror attack before and let me tell you - it gets a bloody reaction!

Weaver is Doctor Slaughter, which is a fantastic name, an intellectual who works for a Kuwaiti thinktank but is clearly frustrated at the lack of opportunity, people ripping her off and poverty row wages. At a flash work do, she meets a member of the 1%, engages in solid conversation with them and a mysterious video turns up in the post later extolling the virtues of the life of an escort girl.

Now, being an independent woman and quite able to look after herself, Weaver decides that this (somewhat grubby) life is something to be bent to her requirements and dives headlong into the world with a set of controls imposed by herself. She makes many friends and seems to be having it happy, especially once a rich pal (who likes to take photos of her topless on an exercise bike) offers her a move out of Notting Hill and into his spare flat on Half Moon Street. She naturally cannot turn down this pastel papered offer and moves straight in.

All very nice, you say, but WHERES THE CAINE??

Ah, well he's a man with an important job in Westminster dealing with defence and brokering peace deals in the Middle East. He's all over the news in the first 15 mins of this. 

With this busy life, he gets his jollies from call girls, so one night we find Weaver and Caine having drinks at his place, the next he'll see her at a function in her professional capacity. They clearly like one another, which turns to respect, which turns to love, which leads to him agreeing to slip his security detail (he's highly protected and surveyed by the security forces) and spend time with her at Half Moon Street.

Then the thriller strand of the plot begins.....

I'm not sure about this film. It was an amenable enough way to spend 90 mins, but by god this may be the first thing I've seen Caine in where he's literally reeling the lines off and not engaging at all with the material. Phoning it in would at least require picking up the phone and dialing the number - he's not even mustered the energy for that. 

No pointing, no shouting, no spark of MC magic, nothing.

Very disappointed in our man, very disappointed. And bear in mind some of the crap we've sat through in pursuit of the Noble Cause here.

Strong 'tache game though, I'll give him that, strong 'tache game.

Minutae.

1 - Milk Swigger. Straight from the bottle!

The man clearly don't give a fuck.

2 - This street shot is shown. So much to drink in, much like guzzling direct from a bottle of dairies finest.

A buttery?? We don't see them in town any more!

Mismatched street furniture heights - and they've got single pane glass doors? Never seen an old phone box with those before.

That lurid green car at the back there - strong colouring

Somewhat bizarre parking system on the top left? Contraflow parking? Looks.........unusual.

Also - the car parked in the bottom right hand side? Whats it doing there, of all places? Between the phone boxes and tree, off the pavement, but seemingly not in a parking space?

Sorry, but we can go right down the rabbit hole with this stuff.

3 - She has PORKPIE for a landlord!! I want Porkpie as my landlord!!

4 - I did laugh at the hasty cut n sellotape job on the picture establishing Caines left credentials

Outfit of the film: Without a doubt the character introduction, where The Mans moustache and jumper combo wins over my heart, let alone the call girls!

"This is it. I love this place" - 1978 Interview

We open with a view of the LA from up in the hills, some nicely smooth yet threatening jazzy vibes, a delicate German voiceover begins and we zoom into the Hollywood hills sign.


Slowly, very slowly, a limo crawls up the road. It pauses........the door opens........out steps The Boy looking fantastic in a sharp leather jacket (possibly the same one from The Hand?), architectural hair, and classic Caine glasses.


The interview commences. Except we've German being bellowed over the top and can't hear a bloody word, except for a small sentence in the middle.


Interview done, he turns, says goodbye and heads back to the limo, returning to the upper reaches of Mount Olympus.


Shame we haven't a clue what he says, but nevertheless - 10/10 for Purest Caine.

Water (1985)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A
Hair: No

Does he point at someone?: Amazingly.......NO! I thought he was gonna, but no.

 

 

Best Line: "It would seem to the British government that Cascara is the dot above the "i" in Shit!"

 

Water..........bottled water.......a most 1980s subject for a film, no? Lord knows what fee Mr Caine received for this film, but I don't think it could have been more than a drop in the vast ocean of his wealth.

 

We got the man acting as the Governor of Cascara (cue Bromhead accent and mannerisms), a long forgotten British colonial backwater out in the Carribean, a benevolent governor who seems to have gone troppo and is a weed farmer in his spare time. Dastardly American big business with drilling rights return to the island and strike gold, liquid gold!

 

.............no, not oil. WATER! Perrier Water to be exact with an added laxative property. Yep, this is the sort of concept we're dealing with here. As the various factions begin to squabble over who owns what, local rebel forces attempt an uprising and larger scale governments get involved, its up to our Mickey to be the one who has to pour oil on these troubled waters (sorry).

 

I'm sure that in 1985 this must have been very topical, what with the Falklands being recent news, Thatcher impersonations and poking all manner of fun at various establishment figures, but in reality it all falls a bit flat and loses its fizz (sorry). In some ways it reminds me of Carlton Brown of the F.O. a film which covers the same sort of topics, but does it a lot better and in a less obvious manner.

 

Also, Caines wife in this film is so annoying and grating that they really should have thrown her into the sea at some point.

 

So, a reasonable nothing of a film really. This one does what it aims to do, but theres much better out there. I designate it a rating of Highland Spring

 

Right, interesting details:

 

1 - The music. We got chirpy upbeat reggae throughout this baby..........by EDDY GRANT no less!

 

 

 

 2 - This film is an absolutely overflowing (sorry) with character actors doing their thing.

We got Leonard Rossiter as an uptight stiff arsed governmental figure. (alas, no Cinzano.)

Fulton Mackay as a dishelleved drunken stoner priest

The wonderful Fred Gwynne as a good ol' boy Texas oil baron.

Billy Connolly, no less, as a singing rebel revolutionary. His characters trait of singing all his lines gets pretty tired, pretty bloody quickly, let me tell you. 

4- Eventually, this all leads up to a plea to the UN in the form of a protest song being hollered out by the Big Yin. Not the best way of appealing for help, frankly, but what can you do?

Even the people he's supposed to be appealing on behalf of know this is a bloody terrible song and idea, but what can they........wait who's tha........???

.....wha????

How did they get in there????

Cue sans Macca happy ending

Outfit of the film. Hmmmm, theres a lot of snazzy troppo shirts being worn by Snr Caine. But the hat takes it.