Bullseye! (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Double Role, so 50/50

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "YOU DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD!!"

Bullseye! carries a reputation, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into here. I can't say I wasn't willing to give it a fair shake, as I don't actually mind Michael Winner films (The System is a film I genuinely really like, The Mechanic is superb and Death Wish is pure classic gold............not to mention Death Wish 3's myriad joys), I like Caine (obviously) and I also happen to think that Roger Moore is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the surface of this fuckin' planet.

I was not expecting something as bad as Bullseye! though. It really really is a dire film in almost every single respect - really. I don't think I can even face ever looking at it a second time. Please, don't ever watch it. Force your enemies to. You want relatives to bugger off after they've wasted enough of your Sunday talking about people you don't really care that much about? Stick this on.

Towards the end, I sussed that Caines narration had clearly been added on towards the end of the production due to the studio insisting on it, as he's just spending time explaining who is who and what is going on - the film wraps itself up so much in watching Mike n Rog dicking about and having a jolly, that it ceases to make any sense at all...........to the point where we're watching a kilt clad Rog n Mike chasing a kilt clad Rog n Mike who are actually different characters, so the editing is just fucking labyrinthine.

Story? Here we go.................

Plot strand 1: Caine plays Doctor Hicklar - which I kept hearing as Hitler - who has invented a source of endless renewable energy. Roger plays a nuclear physicist (yeah, I know I know) who convinces him to hush it up so they can make a killing on the open market for it, so they set up a series of meetings with rogue nations and prepare to sell to the highest bidder.

Plot strand 2: Caine plays a con man who's just released from the nick after a number of years. He goes to visit his old mucker Roger, who may have stitched him up, and wants to go straight. It just so happens that these two look exactly like the characters in plot strand 1, so they decide on a job to con them out of the energy source and plan the heist.

Then, it all gets mixed up with spies, running about and a whole load of fucking tedium.

I mean, we're dealing with base level humour that fails even at that. A Queen impersonator gets rolled out at one point, thats the level of comedy we're dealing with.

Yeah, theres a couple of very slight redeeming points - the London sequences are great if you love the city, as its mostly location set and filmed on the streets, so theres plenty to observe. I also would like to think that this was actually filmed in Caines pied-a-terre, don't ask why. Its Campden Hill Square too, so the right sort of locale.

Thats about it though. *disappointed sigh*

I would call this a career low for the pair of them, but I once watched Roger Moore present a "KGB's Deadliest Secrets" programme in the mid 90s with the air of someone who was just about to fire his agent.

1. Big moment this...........CAINE VS MOORE FIGHT!!

2. Theres a makeover montage. A bloody Makeover Montage! *point*

(Would like to think that this is Roger Moores passport photo) 

3. We get some stock footage thrown in, but its about 20 years out of date, on completely different film stock and seemingly just done on the cheap. I suppose all of the lunches they were having must have blown the budget.

4. Random "get the boys to the beach on the budget" sequence at the end.

with added John Cleese for 15 seconds?? (clearly on a freebie)

5. Theres a First Blood style motorbike chase at one point, which does at least entertain. 

Then, suddenly.............

................are they gonna jump that thing?

...................FUCK ME THEY ARE

I give you Sir Roger Moore and Sir Michael Caine, knights of the realm.

Outfit of the film: Loving that leatherette dark grey jacket. 

Can practically anticipate it tearing at the elbows and having the flaked creases that only the finest leather synthesis can provide.

Lastly, is that his mum?

Bullet to Beijing (1995)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: *as about to be thrown off a train* 

"You said you weren't a cruel man, Colonel. Can't we wait for a slow bit?"

Finally, The Return of Harry Palmer. 

We all knew it was coming at some point, but perhaps not in a made for TV film made back to back with its sequel...........Oh, Michael, really? Had things fallen this low??

Still, with the lowest of expectations, and ignoring that I've seen half of it about 20 years ago, in we go....

Harry is still doing much the same crappy jobs in the service that we first saw him doing in Ipcress all those years before, this time spying on the protesters outside of the North Korean embassy and getting involved in some action there when theres a bust up. 

Before we continue, let me point something out here. This films geography is all over the place if you even remotely know Londons layout. Judicious editing making huge swathes of the city join together and disappear around each corner. Very distracting. And if you've ever looked up the North Korean embassy, then you'll know that it don't look like this!

Afterwards, he's called into the office, gives a quick resume rundown for those who haven't seen a Palmer film before and promptly gets handed early retirement. By no less than PATRICK ALLEN as his boss. Oh yeah, Big Pats and his Big Voice is in this one for one of his esteemed cameos.

After getting a bit crappy about his retirement, the H is summoned to The Savoy and offered a decent paying job in Russia, so off we go for some Post Soviet sightseeing. That'll teach the bloody government. Sack him off and then insult him? Right, work for that lot I've been working against for all this time!

We then get some standard "virus has been stolen, you need to find it" plot, the usual fare. Jason Connery is introduced as a bit of stunt casting and then has some odd in-joke "son of a British Agent" banter as they find out the virus is on the train and all aboard THE BULLET TO BEIJING...........

Its not bad really, but its not great. Sorry, but I was baffled towards the end but theres enough injokes, sights, the gorgeous GORGEOUS Mia Sara and nods to Caines history to make it worthwhile, but this isn't high end cinema, is it? So don't expect it to be so.

Caine is in full Stella Street pomp throughout this, which makes things much enjoyable and makes up for Connery seemingly being made out of cardboard.

We get a Rick Wakeman soundtrack too..............which I'm still not convinced by, frankly.

Still, I think they probably should have left Harry where he was. You can't swim in the same river twice, after all.

1. This film starts in the best possible way and had me truly fired up.

Caines name displayed on top of a fuckin' VENOM poster!!!

YEAH!

2. Harry Palmer reads The Sun? 

I am very very disappointed. The Scum, of all papers. Could be the Mail or Express, I suppose, but still.

3. Cut Price Lenin Weird Am Dram Doing Pet Shop Boys Go West

4. The indignity of being pointed at!

5. White shells in a 12 bore? Not red?

Confused the shit out of me, that has. What are they - blanks? Salt?

6. Theres an Italian Job homage in there, for whatever reason.

Spy film homage I can understand, but the Self Preservation Society?? 

Outfit of the film: Blue on Blue, classic trenchcoat. On point. So to speak.

Bonus track - take a good look at this modern poster for the film. What a winner!

Noises Off (1992)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: NO.

I know nothing about this play, but it seems it was a huge success. Possibly, but I can't disagree with the dismal takings that this film version took ($12m budget, $2m box office) as this is a technically interesting film - the actors acting in very rapid fire fashion, the charging about set, the back and forth dialogue - but whereas on the stage this must have been a thrilling "is this about to go wrong?"...............on the screen, it just doesn't pass muster. 

We know they are edited. 

We know if they made a mistake, they'll halt and re-shoot. 

The suspension of disbelief just isn't strong enough.

Some stage plays get adapted and are very clearly a play, but work well (Sleuth, Deathtrap) but some are just too stagey to really work. I'm not a huge fan of farces either, to be frank. 

Not a good start.

Still, as the stressed director attempting to hold a cast, production and career together in the midst of preparing a play to open, Caine does very well. Very well indeed, and I suspect its a script that actors love, so there is that. Has some proper barking at people loudly outbursts which are always fun.

The technical aspects of the film, being broken into the same show but in varying viewpoints each time is also very good. 

Denholm Elliot is a wonder, as ever.

But thats about it. My notes make interesting reading as they start positive. Amused. Chuckling. Then "pretty tedious" appears about halfway through. My final note is "a load of crap" written as the credits rolled.

I stand by that. Sorry!

The double entendres don't really work. People walking around shouting SARDINES is amusing the third time. Perhaps not so much, the fortieth time.

Can't win 'em all. I was hoping for another Surrender. Even another Rio. I was hoping for a reasonable platter............. and I got handed a garage forecourt sandwich.

1. This shouldn't surprise me as its both Superman and its the middle of the shoulderpad era, but I found myself hypnotised by Christopher Reeves MASSIVE shoulders.

(Caine, mid exclaim)

2. I was starting to get bored, but the appearance of a bottle of J&B cheered me up no end. 

Ah, J&B, the giallo blend of choice. My dear friend.

3. Attempting to charm scantily clad women by bearing unsubtle phallic gifts.

We've all been there.

Outfit of the film: Bold striped shirt, open at the neck. Blue silk thin neck scarf. Turquoise casual jacket to relax in.  

Jack the Ripper (1988)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I had an interesting evening with your friend last night." 

"You mean you got drunk?"

"No, I only drink in the afternoons now. winning smile"

1988 saw a lot of hoohaa about Saucy Jack for the most obvious of reasons. Part of this was wanting some TV film product of the Ripper case to be broadcast for the anniversary..... so off Euston Films went and came back with what is basically a bumper length 70s horror (think Tyburn or possibly the Hands of the Ripper era Hammer for comparison) and they'd only bloody well managed to sign up our boy MC, hadn't they! 

Who, I highly doubt, did it for the love of Ripperology and his interest in Victorian Britain.

Wonderfully, we get a pretty stellar cast if you are a lover of the usual crap we enjoy around her, as JTR contains no less that:

A marvellously rich Patrick Allen voice intro!

Lewis Collins as Caines faithful sergeant!

Susan George as Catherine Eddowes!

Harry Andrews!

Hugh Fraser as Not Wellington!

Gerald Sim (putting more on the 72/73 Hammer atmos)

Michael Gothard, no less

That fellow who gets a kicking in Quadrophenia. Spider?

Quite the cast of character faces, I'm sure we can all agree. They all know whos the boss in town here though, as Caine plays Abberline on the case and gets embroiled in the usual course for a Ripper film. Now, they really go for the "conspiracy plot" on this outing, so you kind of know where its going to end up.....as all of our suspects are lined up and given their respective investigatin'

Its pretty good, I'll give them that. All fits together nicely, musics by John Cameron so you know we're getting a cracking score (shame he didn't put FROG back together really, but you can't have everything can you), plenty entertaining and MC is fairly happy in the role. 

Yeah, admittedly it all looks pretty drab and studio bound, which is odd really as Euston Films generally made good use of location filming in their stuff, but then I expect that period requirements had a lot to do with that.

Plus, they solve it! Michael Caine clearly has no end to his talents as he brings THE RIPPER to justice after years of better people trying.

We're confirmed fans of Ripperology here in Caineology HQ and kinda remember this being on at the time, as Grandfather Caineology would have most certainly had this on in the background when we were young. 

We're students of the William Gull theory of who was Jack, although enjoy the Tumblety theory too (indeed, that whole media circus about Tumblety is remembered well as we lived mere doors along from the descendants of Tumblety at the time (still named Tumblety) and they had a few reporters prowling around the dustbins looking for a scoop)

Still - in these long dark nights, its 130 years since the case, pour yourself a long drink and settle down for a fairly enjoyable run through. 

Talking of drinks - theres quite a few scenes set in the Ten Bells, naturally. Its not actually the Ten Bells though, as that place was once the scene of an utterly riotous Caineology staff piss up one long lunchtime and we remember the boozer very well.

1: Now, I'm pretty sure that Jack the Ripper wasn't a dwarf, so whats he playing at??

2: Being the trve detective, Abberline lays out a profile of what they know about the suspect and creates an image for people to work with:

Good idea, mate.

Thats it? Thats the big reveal? So we're basically looking for Sherlock Holmes then? Well that explains exactly why the Rippers doing it, as its a clear case of split personality. 

Lets see - has blackouts, wears a Sherlock outfit, was in the area at the time of the crimes, has intimate knowledge of the workings of the criminal mind.......

 Back to the drawing board, mate.

Thats better.

3: Now yer gonna hang...YOU BASTARD!!!

4: Supreme fake facial hair in this film. Mesmerising, like the wheels of the mind job the Medium suspect has rolling around when he has a vision.

To be fair, this is a rich rich seam of Caineology we have here and I urge you to spend some time with its pleasures - its well worth it and Victorian stuff is always good for the Winter, isn't it?

Outfit of the film. Well, theres not many, and MC does suit the Victorian look. Lets go with the casual shirt sleeves.