Bullseye! (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Double Role, so 50/50

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "YOU DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD!!"

Bullseye! carries a reputation, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into here. I can't say I wasn't willing to give it a fair shake, as I don't actually mind Michael Winner films (The System is a film I genuinely really like, The Mechanic is superb and Death Wish is pure classic gold............not to mention Death Wish 3's myriad joys), I like Caine (obviously) and I also happen to think that Roger Moore is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the surface of this fuckin' planet.

I was not expecting something as bad as Bullseye! though. It really really is a dire film in almost every single respect - really. I don't think I can even face ever looking at it a second time. Please, don't ever watch it. Force your enemies to. You want relatives to bugger off after they've wasted enough of your Sunday talking about people you don't really care that much about? Stick this on.

Towards the end, I sussed that Caines narration had clearly been added on towards the end of the production due to the studio insisting on it, as he's just spending time explaining who is who and what is going on - the film wraps itself up so much in watching Mike n Rog dicking about and having a jolly, that it ceases to make any sense at all...........to the point where we're watching a kilt clad Rog n Mike chasing a kilt clad Rog n Mike who are actually different characters, so the editing is just fucking labyrinthine.

Story? Here we go.................

Plot strand 1: Caine plays Doctor Hicklar - which I kept hearing as Hitler - who has invented a source of endless renewable energy. Roger plays a nuclear physicist (yeah, I know I know) who convinces him to hush it up so they can make a killing on the open market for it, so they set up a series of meetings with rogue nations and prepare to sell to the highest bidder.

Plot strand 2: Caine plays a con man who's just released from the nick after a number of years. He goes to visit his old mucker Roger, who may have stitched him up, and wants to go straight. It just so happens that these two look exactly like the characters in plot strand 1, so they decide on a job to con them out of the energy source and plan the heist.

Then, it all gets mixed up with spies, running about and a whole load of fucking tedium.

I mean, we're dealing with base level humour that fails even at that. A Queen impersonator gets rolled out at one point, thats the level of comedy we're dealing with.

Yeah, theres a couple of very slight redeeming points - the London sequences are great if you love the city, as its mostly location set and filmed on the streets, so theres plenty to observe. I also would like to think that this was actually filmed in Caines pied-a-terre, don't ask why. Its Campden Hill Square too, so the right sort of locale.

Thats about it though. *disappointed sigh*

I would call this a career low for the pair of them, but I once watched Roger Moore present a "KGB's Deadliest Secrets" programme in the mid 90s with the air of someone who was just about to fire his agent.

1. Big moment this...........CAINE VS MOORE FIGHT!!

2. Theres a makeover montage. A bloody Makeover Montage! *point*

(Would like to think that this is Roger Moores passport photo) 

3. We get some stock footage thrown in, but its about 20 years out of date, on completely different film stock and seemingly just done on the cheap. I suppose all of the lunches they were having must have blown the budget.

4. Random "get the boys to the beach on the budget" sequence at the end.

with added John Cleese for 15 seconds?? (clearly on a freebie)

5. Theres a First Blood style motorbike chase at one point, which does at least entertain. 

Then, suddenly.............

................are they gonna jump that thing?

...................FUCK ME THEY ARE

I give you Sir Roger Moore and Sir Michael Caine, knights of the realm.

Outfit of the film: Loving that leatherette dark grey jacket. 

Can practically anticipate it tearing at the elbows and having the flaked creases that only the finest leather synthesis can provide.

Lastly, is that his mum?

Half Moon Street (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: No (we think)

Best Line: There isn't one really. See below

Half Moon Street, which runs just off Green Park station up towards Curzon, if my memory is right. Good setting for a film, good London scenery in the film as we open with Sigourney Weaver jogging through the streets of classic 80s London, only for a car bomb to go off just beside her - leading to almost no reaction, no investigation and no stopping for a witness statement. Dunno what thats all about as I've been in the vicinity of a terror attack before and let me tell you - it gets a bloody reaction!

Weaver is Doctor Slaughter, which is a fantastic name, an intellectual who works for a Kuwaiti thinktank but is clearly frustrated at the lack of opportunity, people ripping her off and poverty row wages. At a flash work do, she meets a member of the 1%, engages in solid conversation with them and a mysterious video turns up in the post later extolling the virtues of the life of an escort girl.

Now, being an independent woman and quite able to look after herself, Weaver decides that this (somewhat grubby) life is something to be bent to her requirements and dives headlong into the world with a set of controls imposed by herself. She makes many friends and seems to be having it happy, especially once a rich pal (who likes to take photos of her topless on an exercise bike) offers her a move out of Notting Hill and into his spare flat on Half Moon Street. She naturally cannot turn down this pastel papered offer and moves straight in.

All very nice, you say, but WHERES THE CAINE??

Ah, well he's a man with an important job in Westminster dealing with defence and brokering peace deals in the Middle East. He's all over the news in the first 15 mins of this. 

With this busy life, he gets his jollies from call girls, so one night we find Weaver and Caine having drinks at his place, the next he'll see her at a function in her professional capacity. They clearly like one another, which turns to respect, which turns to love, which leads to him agreeing to slip his security detail (he's highly protected and surveyed by the security forces) and spend time with her at Half Moon Street.

Then the thriller strand of the plot begins.....

I'm not sure about this film. It was an amenable enough way to spend 90 mins, but by god this may be the first thing I've seen Caine in where he's literally reeling the lines off and not engaging at all with the material. Phoning it in would at least require picking up the phone and dialing the number - he's not even mustered the energy for that. 

No pointing, no shouting, no spark of MC magic, nothing.

Very disappointed in our man, very disappointed. And bear in mind some of the crap we've sat through in pursuit of the Noble Cause here.

Strong 'tache game though, I'll give him that, strong 'tache game.

Minutae.

1 - Milk Swigger. Straight from the bottle!

The man clearly don't give a fuck.

2 - This street shot is shown. So much to drink in, much like guzzling direct from a bottle of dairies finest.

A buttery?? We don't see them in town any more!

Mismatched street furniture heights - and they've got single pane glass doors? Never seen an old phone box with those before.

That lurid green car at the back there - strong colouring

Somewhat bizarre parking system on the top left? Contraflow parking? Looks.........unusual.

Also - the car parked in the bottom right hand side? Whats it doing there, of all places? Between the phone boxes and tree, off the pavement, but seemingly not in a parking space?

Sorry, but we can go right down the rabbit hole with this stuff.

3 - She has PORKPIE for a landlord!! I want Porkpie as my landlord!!

4 - I did laugh at the hasty cut n sellotape job on the picture establishing Caines left credentials

Outfit of the film: Without a doubt the character introduction, where The Mans moustache and jumper combo wins over my heart, let alone the call girls!