The Holcroft Covenant (1985)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No. Even though he's suppose to be American

Accent for whole film?: Didn't even bother starting with one

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes



Best line: "May I suggest that it is extremely difficult for a man in a grey flannel suit to behave naturally while riding on a horse in the middle of the night whilst waiting for a man to shoot at him?"

An espionage thriller, that sorely underrepresented genre in MC's filmography..........seriously, what is it with spy films and Caine? Every time we sit down with a film, its bloody spy film! We've already considered the ins and outs of this in other genre entries, so shall not devote any more space, other than to say - theres still more of them out there in the filmography!

So, end of WW2 and some "good" Nazis decide to make amends by funnelling cash away to be distributed by their infant children when they come of age. This amount of money, a reasonable $4,500,000,000 is to be used for causes of good and justice in the world.

Our boy, chosen as the lead of this covenant, probably due to age, is currently an established architect (he has his name above the practice), having grown up in America and knowing nothing of his father other than the fact he was a Nazi and therefore a bit of a shit. Once the details of what is unfolding are given to him "heres this money, you are to track the other children down, sign the covenant and then begin your life as a do-gooder. It'll be dangerous, mind you" seems infinitely more preferable to his role as the architect for various commercial designs, so he takes the role on.

And, to be honest, when we first meet Caine he's on site checking drawings with the contractor, so its a stage 5 job. Later, he's getting harrassing phone calls from said contractor, so I don't blame him for scarpering at that point of the project and leaving the associates to sort it out. Who probably dumped it on the part 2s as their case study......but I digress......

We quickly shift to good ol' London (quick sight seeing tour to establish where we are), where The Caine is contacted by various agencies, made to prove himself, is followed by hitmen, proves to be a SHITE spy (some really classy acting choices from Caine here, playing a buffoon amongst serious people) and then goes on a pan European run to get to the final signing of the convenant and the consequences that arise from that. He honestly has't a clue what he's gotten himself wrapped up in.

Bloody good film, I think. In spite of its many flaws, its watchable, entertaining, kinda makes sense and looks rather lovely. Especially as the wonderful Victoria Tennant plays the love interest/main spy and we've been solidly In Love With her ever since seeing her performance in LA Story many moons ago, much to the ongoing chagrin of Mrs Thwaites.

However, it appears that The Holcroft Covenant isn't that popular with critics (well, when have they got it right, really?) or widely seen, but this is the cornerstone work of Caineology:

 We Watch Michael Caines Films So You Don't Have To.

So - recommended, but don't expect a high level drama as this veers from revenge to spy to nazi hunting to broad comedy to romance to all sorts of madness. Theres a great ending to this film - good pay off to all the previous running around. A coda wraps all loose ends up nice and tidy.


Music is utterly utterly shit too. Honestly, the worst possible score imaginable - all stabby pastel midi synth jazz nonsense. Terrible. Frankenheimer take note: a bad score like that dates, ages and degrades a film. It may seem "chic" in '85, but let me tell you, by '86 it was already dated.


Observations:

1 - Oddly, this appears to be a Cannon film from thier golden era, but theres no Golan/Globus credit?

It has the Hexagonal seal of quality

And all the bizarro delights that the GoGo boys bring....

.........but not them?

Very odd.



2 - Spy business #1

Drive.

What?

Drive!

I don't know how?

What do you mean? Everyone drives!

Not in New York they don't. It takes forever.

3 - Spy business #2

"what I vish to know, Miister Holcroft.......is are you a member of the Neo Nazis?"




Our man is taken aback, rightly. Even when he played a Nazi, they weren't proper Nazis

Cue predictable reaction.

4 - RANDOM CAR EXPLOSION. At this point, the Bad Guys are trying to assassinate Caines mother. For some reason. Who knows? Cannon Film, after all.

Why not just shoot her in the street and use the car to drive away?


5 - Finally, they meet the third child and signatory of the covenant. He turns out to be very gregarious and charming, and our boy is instantly won over, displaying a smile that could feed children and cure illness.

Look at that sheer happiness.


6 - Okay, around halfway through, our notes state "What the fuck is going on?". Things get rather confusing at this point

We get a whores carnival, which Caine enjoys

A high speed chase through the sex district

and Sir Michael Caine CBE, Knight of the Realm, shown how to build a gun whilst in a Berlin sex club, with naked girls mud wrestling at his feet, with numbered whores spinning on a human roulette in the background.

Again, Cannon Film.

7 - That chase and gunfight. Now, this is supposed to be in Berlin, but I highly suspect this was filmed in London, just behind Borough Market, in Montague Close, Nancys Steps and around Southwark Cathedral.

8 - Dutch Angles. Half the film is dutch angles. No, really.

I suspect there was a motif at play here - whenever something dodgy is afoot, we get a dutch angle to display this element of danger in the air.


Outfit of the film: We're partial to a tank top here, but we've never been able to wear one in such a sinister way as Lord Caine, High Priest of Knitwear.

Blue Ice (1992)

Glasses: No.

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "The person who owns that car will be upset? The person who owns this car is BLOODY FURIOUS!" 

Blue Ice, yet ANOTHER spy related film in Caines oeuvre. He must just really like spy novels or something, as on this one he appears to have put up some of his own money (earning a Producer credit) instead of doing the normal and, you know, just turning up for a fat pay cheque and funding a new pond or something.

London based, seemingly filmed all around Borough and London Bridge areas (nice location for this sort of thing), in extremely 90s dry ice heavy fashion, with an appalling Michael Kamen score and lots of moody lighting. A lot of Edward Hopper like mise-en-scene in this one, which is no bad thing really.

Caine plays Harry Palmer Anders, a retired spy who now runs a jazz club and spends his days involved in The Jazz and all that comes with it. One day, his tasty Jag Mk2 is rear ended by a mysterious seductive woman who carries a secret and which leads him back down the rabbit hole of ye olde spy business. You know - the normal state of affairs for this kind of film. 

This ends up with the American embassy, a group of assassins who appear to drive around in a post office van (??), Caines old firm and the police all wanting a piece of him. When, really, all he wants is a fling with Sean Young, to do his ironing in his tasteful apartment above his club and to spend his evenings immersed in The Jazz. 

And who could blame him?

This film carries heavy Harry Palmer associations, from the London setting, to Caine really pulling out the Harry tricks, to an utterly utterly mental drug induced interrogation scene (ala Ipcress File). This is before they went the whole hog and brought back Harry P for those pair of 90s films.

Not bad, but not hugely great either. A solid 6/10 effort. Not as entertaining as I remember it being back in the 90s when I first saw it (around the same time as Shock To The System) 

Still, if you want to kick back late night with a J&B (as I did) and enjoy a passable little thriller, than this is just the job.

Noticeable Things.

1. We have to start with Harrys tasteful club "Harrys" (imaginative!), which looks like  a perfect Valhalla to me.

 Humble from the outside.....

  ......Where the music flows.......

  ....Charlie Watts is the house drummer.....

 ........and you can get pints of bitter served to the table.

 (you cannot see the sheer ecstatic joy on Sean Youngs face here)

 2. There is an exact point in this film where, if you look, the seed of doubt is planted:

This is supposed to be the residence of the American ambassador. But look:

A circa '91 standard issue BT landline phone in hearing aid beige? In the ambassadors? 

Thats a giveaway about a wrong un, if ever I saw it.


3. Midway through the film, I thought there'd been a mistake as suddenly, it goes from a moody spy thriller into a full bore action gangster film? I honestly thought that another film had been spliced in by mistake:

We get men hurrying out from a building

Bob Hoskins, doing the full Bob Hoskins

Classic balaclava terrorists

High speed car chases

Drive-by M18 firefights

Big explosions

And Bob laying waste to all and sundry

None of which really seems to have anything to do with the main plot of the film, other than being a very elaborate way of Maurice getting a gun and taking part in that classic "prowl the warehouse, shooting wooden cut outs of criminals that pop out at random" scene.

4. This security van turns up. Now, if you grew up in Britain in the 90s, then shite security guards driving around in these style vans were de rigueur.

5. A frankly bizarre ending, which sees the main bad guy hoist into the air 'pon a hook, wildly firing a machine gun and screaming madly whilst gunfighting with Caine. Really.

6. Now, I know what you are thinking. "This is all very well, but where are the points?" Well, never let it be said that we don't give the two people that read this blog what they want:

We get pointing at a car

Pointing during the middle of a fight

Pointing at a fish, interrupting Young mid line to throw this point.

Pointing over breakfast. (breakfast not in shot)

Outfit of the film: It has to be the basic, casual, white shirt he wears for cooking in his rather cool flat. I'd live there. Its crumpled, rolled up at the sleeves, but the boy wears it well.

You smooth bastard.

And it ends with a champagne toast. Cheers!