Relieving the Tedium of the Oscars

 If only the Oscars were hours of these three dicking about. 

We'd actually make the time to pay some interest in there, if they were.

Point: Yes

The Magus (1968)

 

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "And you're the director....."

The Magus........now this one carries a rep, hated by all who made it, all who saw it, and just about everyone. "If I lived my life again, I'd do everything exactly the same, with the exception of watching The Magus." once said Woody Allen some years back. Although, I expect if you asked him today, he'd probably revise that statement.

Somewhat of a companion piece to Deadfall - another med vibin', Caine regretting, 68 film of low repute, I can confirm that on the second watch of this, its not good. Its not good at all. I've read The Magus, and I quite liked it, but this film makes me look over towards my copy of the highly regarded Fowles novel and think "is it actually that good?", such is the effect this film has on the plot contained within.

Plot - well, its batshit, isn't it? Utterly bizarre, random, madness of a page turner......CAINEOLOGY NECTAR, frankly.

Sort summary, thus, Caine plays a bored listless chap, who throws it in with his previous life and runs away to Greece to become an English teacher on a small island, where he encounters a strange older gentleman who really enjoys playing mind game and slowly draws Caine into his web, whereupon the blurring of reality, unreality, life and past life becomes mixed and enmeshed in a series of ever increasingly odd events. Is this real, or is it fake? Did this happen, or is it staged? Are they who they say they are, or are they acting? 

Now, in the novel, you just don't know, and as the pages turn, so does the twists. In the film, this manifests itself rather poorly, I'm afraid, where if you were to take things at face value, you'd end up laughing, were it not so achingly plodding and dull throughout.

Caine..........well, he's not having a good time in this and seems to wear the same face throughout. I suppose he's playing jaded, but its not good. Which is a handy one line summary of the film......

The ending cuts off in a different place too? Maybe because I've read the revised version, which did have a cracker of an ending, but the film just..............stops.

Shame, as it could have been so good. The Italians would have made a much better job of this.

SO.......

1. It dawned on me that this could be read as an Alfie 2 - think about it, at the end of Alfie, we're left with the lad himself, pondering his life and loves, along with what to do next. Roll on to The Magus and we're back with Alfie, who's lucked out and living with a French air hostess, but still disturbed by his recent experiences. He then decides to leave it all and head to Greece for an escape, where, being Alfie, he can't help following the birds and being who he is. All it needs is some fourth wall addresses and we'd be there!

 

2. Some schoolboys playing football in the playground, as schoolboys will do. 

Ball bounces over to Caine.

What does he do?

Sky it over the wall. 

Arsehole.

3. As all wargamers know, NEVER EVER THINK "anything but a one". 

(you fail your break test, Mr Urfe)

Caine, clearly not a wargamer.

4. TRIGGER!!

5. Finally, some Caine action we can get behind. During an Ipcress-esque "dream" sequence, the chap runs up and starts trashing about a bull whip, destroying some voyeur footage of his current love.

Wonderful, but alas too little, too late. That expression is the same one he wears for the WHOLE FILM.

Best Dressed - Black rollneck, sharp jacket, putting the moves on Anna Karina. Nice.

Whats it all about?

The Jigsaw Man (1983)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: No

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "Good god! Bangers! How I've missed them......"

I've had enough of crap spy films from the 1980s starring Michael Caine. How many did he fucking make? Sometimes theres a good one, but in the main they are bloody dire and there always seems to be another one cropping up on the watchlist.

So......after that bit of spleen, The Jigsaw Man. Its not very good, frankly. Its a poorly made film, its a poorly scripted film and its really not worth bothering with, if you want something interesting to watch.

However..........

If you like the bizarre shit that Caine would sometimes find himself doing in pursuit of a wage, then this has a lot of good stuff. Watch once for the "eh?" and never again. Life Tip - never watch Bullseye for the "eh?". Just don't watch it at all.

Soooooooo, Caine plays a British defector who is living it out in Moscow or somewhere and has been for many years. Now, he's quite a famed defector, so the trenchcoats on both sides have been keeping tabs on him. This scene is truly truly bizarre as Caines voice has been dubbed onto another actor - poorly - as he's supposed to be "remade" as Caine a bit later.

First fuckin' scene and we're asked to believe that Caines voice on someone else is okay. I mean, its not as if MICHAEL CAINES VOICE isn't one of his most distinctive elements, is it? Just doesn't work at all.

Caine is sent on a mission back to the UK, for the usual spy reasons, but suspects he's gonna be bumped off by the KGB, so counter defects when in the UK and then does a runner. He's still got family and friends kicking about, so he's off to see them and try to get hold of some information he's stashed away in the past that he can use as a pawn to set himself up royally.

We then have Larry Olivier as a grumpy bastard ex colleague of Caines who is in charge of the affair giving chase.

Thats kind of it really. Theres some side plot with Caines family - Susan George acting as both his daughter and his wife. Yes, you read that right. Robert Powell as the daughters boyfriend who is actually a spy. And then theres the ever wonderful Charles Gray stealing most of the film out from under people.

Good cast, decent music (John Cameron!), Good London settings (plus Amersham), Good era..........but a pretty dreadful film. Freddie Francis is in there too, listed among the credits.

Bit of a Sunday Afternooner, when theres nothing else doing and can't be arsed to move.

Right............the observations.

1 - The training/makeover montage. I think, possibly the finest one I've ever seen. Rocky might have had Stallone climbing mountains in the USSR, but we've got a portly Caine in a superb tracky top

2 - Post surgery, pre workout, he's bloody Vader without the mask on!

3 - Charles Gray stealing the film. Sorry, but he does. Playing a fellow high level spy chief who's disdain for all is well and truly to the shore.........

............whether snootily going through the dinner options and dismissing them.

 ......playing country squire and shotgunning squirrels.......

 .......or wearing a bald wig and propositioning Robert Powell in the bathroom whilst drinking wine and wearing a dressing gown.

 Charles, we salute you heartily.

 4. JUDO CHOP

5. Charles Gray finds himself, in turn, by a more subtle scene steal. In a rather tense "I'm the power in this room" meeting between two department heads, the dog steals the show, much to my delight!

Passing casually between two pieces of furniture, in the background, right at the key line. A masterclass.

6. ANOTHER JUDO CHOP

Look at the agony on that chaps face. That training montage wasn't a waste of time after all!

7. Vauxhall Cavaliers blazing around the countryside at top speed, burning it all up and causing havoc. 

Reminds me of being a bored young man in the back of one of those, ripping around farmers fields and almost getting killed when we hit a hidden dip.

Outfit of the film: Oh god, the tracksuit. The Tracksuit.

Deathtrap (1982)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for Whole Film?: N/A

Hair: No

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "I woke up at the end of the line! .......BLOODY SYMBOLIC!"

Deathtrap, another one that I saw back in the day, when ITV did a mini season of Caine films of a Friday Night, so one could return from the pub, slump down and enjoy some Caineage. From memory, they showed Rio, Scoundrels and Shock as well as this one. 

Oh, for ITV to do something similar nowadays across a couple of Fridays. Less channels, but seemingly more on.

I'd already seen it going in - and this film has a clear moment which all Caine fans remember. If you've seen it, you'll know exactly which scene I'm talking about! I recall uttering a true MC "BLADDY HELL!" when it came the first time I watched, as I was invested in the film fully at that point.

Hence, no major surprises this time around, 20 years later, second viewing. 

Have to say though, this film is pretty good, fairly twisty, Caine is on form, the script works and it was just the ticket after the run of films that Caineology has thrown at me recently. Suffering through Bullseye almost sank the project, I'll openly admit, so seeing a decent little film like this, with much to enjoy was most welcome.

The outline, such as it is, brings us Caine as a playwright who has been very successful in the past, but is in the midst of a dry streak and knocking out flop after flop and getting a tonne of "Shit Sandwich" reviews (hint of the decade to come for Caines career, harsher critics would say. I would point at The Swarm and say he's already there.........), when in the midst of his despair, a student he has taught on a college course some time ago sends him a play "Deathtrap" which is a work of genius.

 So good, in fact, that Caine decides that it would be quite desirable to bump the student off, claim the play as his own and reap the rich rewards that this would bring. 

His (rather lovely) wife is mortified, naturally, and being a rather highly strung person (heart pills on the table, jumping at shadows, screaming whenever Caine quietly comes into a room) simply cannot deal with the prospect of this, especially when after inviting the student over for a coaching session..........they find out that no-one has seen the play, no-one knows where he is, and he's brought all of the copies with him.

So, the wolf begins eyeing the lamb hungrily, so to speak and in more ways than one.

Of course, this being a stage play made into a film, there's a lot more to come, more to watch and many many turns unfolding over the rest of the story.

Honestly, its a solid little film. Not a work of genius, but you could find far worse things to do that sit down with Deathtrap of an evening. I will say as well, that theres a lot to enjoy from watching it a second time. Many hints and small moments that can get overlooked the first time around, but take on a whole new significance when you know how the plot unfolds. Very good.

1. For some reason, the film throws some light touch Suspiria style lighting effects from time to time. As its more or less a single set play, this does wonders in livening things up by starting small and getting larger as we go

2. POST MURDER VICTORY SANDWICH

3.. WINNING CRAVAT

4. Michael Caine Observes and despairs

Outfit of the film: 

Now, this is how one dresses for breakfast. 

Accept nothing less!

Bullseye! (1990)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: Yes

Accent for Whole Film?: Double Role, so 50/50

Hair: Yes

Does He Point At Someone?: Yes

Best Line: "YOU DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD!!"

Bullseye! carries a reputation, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into here. I can't say I wasn't willing to give it a fair shake, as I don't actually mind Michael Winner films (The System is a film I genuinely really like, The Mechanic is superb and Death Wish is pure classic gold............not to mention Death Wish 3's myriad joys), I like Caine (obviously) and I also happen to think that Roger Moore is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the surface of this fuckin' planet.

I was not expecting something as bad as Bullseye! though. It really really is a dire film in almost every single respect - really. I don't think I can even face ever looking at it a second time. Please, don't ever watch it. Force your enemies to. You want relatives to bugger off after they've wasted enough of your Sunday talking about people you don't really care that much about? Stick this on.

Towards the end, I sussed that Caines narration had clearly been added on towards the end of the production due to the studio insisting on it, as he's just spending time explaining who is who and what is going on - the film wraps itself up so much in watching Mike n Rog dicking about and having a jolly, that it ceases to make any sense at all...........to the point where we're watching a kilt clad Rog n Mike chasing a kilt clad Rog n Mike who are actually different characters, so the editing is just fucking labyrinthine.

Story? Here we go.................

Plot strand 1: Caine plays Doctor Hicklar - which I kept hearing as Hitler - who has invented a source of endless renewable energy. Roger plays a nuclear physicist (yeah, I know I know) who convinces him to hush it up so they can make a killing on the open market for it, so they set up a series of meetings with rogue nations and prepare to sell to the highest bidder.

Plot strand 2: Caine plays a con man who's just released from the nick after a number of years. He goes to visit his old mucker Roger, who may have stitched him up, and wants to go straight. It just so happens that these two look exactly like the characters in plot strand 1, so they decide on a job to con them out of the energy source and plan the heist.

Then, it all gets mixed up with spies, running about and a whole load of fucking tedium.

I mean, we're dealing with base level humour that fails even at that. A Queen impersonator gets rolled out at one point, thats the level of comedy we're dealing with.

Yeah, theres a couple of very slight redeeming points - the London sequences are great if you love the city, as its mostly location set and filmed on the streets, so theres plenty to observe. I also would like to think that this was actually filmed in Caines pied-a-terre, don't ask why. Its Campden Hill Square too, so the right sort of locale.

Thats about it though. *disappointed sigh*

I would call this a career low for the pair of them, but I once watched Roger Moore present a "KGB's Deadliest Secrets" programme in the mid 90s with the air of someone who was just about to fire his agent.

1. Big moment this...........CAINE VS MOORE FIGHT!!

2. Theres a makeover montage. A bloody Makeover Montage! *point*

(Would like to think that this is Roger Moores passport photo) 

3. We get some stock footage thrown in, but its about 20 years out of date, on completely different film stock and seemingly just done on the cheap. I suppose all of the lunches they were having must have blown the budget.

4. Random "get the boys to the beach on the budget" sequence at the end.

with added John Cleese for 15 seconds?? (clearly on a freebie)

5. Theres a First Blood style motorbike chase at one point, which does at least entertain. 

Then, suddenly.............

................are they gonna jump that thing?

...................FUCK ME THEY ARE

I give you Sir Roger Moore and Sir Michael Caine, knights of the realm.

Outfit of the film: Loving that leatherette dark grey jacket. 

Can practically anticipate it tearing at the elbows and having the flaked creases that only the finest leather synthesis can provide.

Lastly, is that his mum?