Vignettes #2

The Hand (1981)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Oh Yes.

Does he point at someone?: Yes. But only with one hand.

 

Best Line: "MANDRO ISN'T POGO!"

What a film. On the one side, this is exactly what Caineology is about........on the other, this film is bloody terrible. A very early Oliver Stone film (who appears in a drunken cameo as a victim to...............THE HAND) and a very very, well I'm not quite sure what - dedicated perhaps? - Caine.

The man really throws himself into this one, but never really comes across as anything other than CAINE even when acting the part of John Lansdale, a comic artist (yeah, I know - Caine as a comic artist? Disbelief shattered straight off) who enjoys living the country life but is in marital problems and on the point of separating from his wife and child.

Whilst having a domestic with Mrs Lansdale in the car and gesticulating madly/pointing at her in a rage, an accident happens and means that he suffers the loss of his hand...............THE HAND. Obviously, as an artist, this means the end of his career and forces him to readjust. His wife sticks by him, but its clear that they will end up going their separate ways as they move back into New York during Winter and the old troubles start again alongside her desire for a new life.

But, this ain't no domestic drama, oh no, this is a disembodied hand film and gives us plenty of what we want from a disembodied hand film. i.e. people being menaced by a rubbery device and flailing about pretending to be strangled whilst holding it to their throats. And this film does NOT disappoint on that front!

Caine becomes obsessed with going out on a limb to solve this mystery of his living hand and all manner of insanity follows over the next hour.

To be fair, this film has its good points, but really its not a good film at all..........its just a bit flat. Its a bad film, but not a truly awful one. Entertaining enough, I suppose. Without Caine, this would have been properly shite.

Apparently, Caine was pleased with the success of his previous horror film (Dressed to Kill) and "was interested in making another horror film to earn enough to put a down payment on a new garage he was having built"

And that is why we love you, Michael Caine.

(Also - a point to Stone for showing Caines titular hand before we actually see Caine himself.)

Details:

1 - We should really start with the hand off scene (more on that later).

That impassioned acting is the force of a man knowing he's getting a new garage at the end of this.

2 - Michael Caine Disapproves of your Life.

Disapproval of Life Coaching

Disapproval of yoga

Disapproval of your life choices.

3 - We get Hand PoV. Well, if yer gonna have PoV, may as well go full bore.

4 - New York. Winter. 1981.

Beautiful....and with All That Jazz showing? What more?

5 - Later in the film, Caine takes a teaching position out in California. Comes complete with wonderfully cosy pied-à-terre

Where there is little else to do but drink J&B all night.

  

6 - The return of Drunken Mike. Did he have lessons in drunken acting or just relive some of those nights out with O'Toole in the 70s, I wonder?

7 - Never mind THE HAND, this film should be subtitled THE HAIR.

It begins, calm, ordered, stately...........

..........then mildly stressed......

  

............before becoming hassled, unruly.........

..........then, well, I'm not quite sure.

 8 - Finally, at one point a heartbroken MC takes a moody drive out into the night to get away from his problems whilst cranking a bit of Blondie and staring into the road. Never had Caine pegged as a Blondie fan. Maybe that explains why he went to New York?

Outfit of the film - a few to choose from, but we're partial to a good leather jacket around here at Mount Mickelwhite. Looks like a Lewis Dominator, maybe?

The Island (1980)

Glasses: Yes

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes.

Best Line: "How many Dads give their kids an air crash? Right?"

One of the great joys of Caineology is the fact that due to the mans relentless dismissal of anything resembling quality control, you really don't know what you will be getting when the film begins. And Michael, Oh Michael, what made you read this and think "seems reasonable. Yes, sign me up" *points at agent*??

From the poster and the little I knew, I thought that we'd be getting an aquatic slasher film (struggling for suitable puns here, can only think of "Shalloween" which is shite) and to be fair, the opening of the film does establish this idea very well with an effective opening gore scene and our Man MC playing a journalist who notices that a large number of boats have been going missing in the Carribean, so decides to go down that way to investigate and is accompanied by his 12 year old son, for some spurious reason. 


He's a divorced Dad, so I suppose some quality time together seemed like a good idea. Plentiful "don't tell yr mother" style lines of humour abound.

After some more asking about in Florida, it seems that the only way to really find out whats happening is to get out to the islands and continue work there, so they accompany a cargo plane on a trip.

For some reason, when being written out, this sounds a bit Zombie Flesh Eaters plot? Kid aside.

CUE MASSIVE FIREY PLANE CRASH AND IMMOLATION

All bets are off now and this film goes utterly batshit mental. Being stranded on an island for a couple of days (not yet The Island), Father and Son get some Father and Son quality time together with a bit of fishing, so hire a boat.

Then the pirates turn up from The Island and not just modern day pirates, but 17th century Pirates cut off from modern society and talking in a made up language, dressed in the classic garb and living in wattle & daub huts, no less. Seriously.

Caine guns one dead (1-0 civilisation) but falls and is knocked unconscious, only to wake in their clutches and be led around on a lead like a chimp, sexed by a saucy blonde and forced to watch his son being brainwashed against him by some slumming thespians. 

Can he get free? Can he save his son? Will civilised man triumph over the barbarians? Will Caine mention this film in polite society ever again?

Problem with this film? Its too long for a start. Chop it down to a 90 mins and it might be more fun, but theres a long drag to some scenes. Don't scrimp on that jellyfish attack though. The joy of watching Caine thrashing about acting being attacked by a rubber jellyfish was worth the £4.50 inc post I paid.

But.........there is more............

1 - We get our first appearance of Sir Michael in what looks like New York, but is it Gotham City?

This leads one to consider, if this is Gotham......then is this Alfred in his younger days? That would explain quite a lot about some of the happenings later on.

2 - Whilst driving along and being nagged by his Son, the boy decides that he really really REALLY wants a gift. So, instead of a clip around the ear for being a needy little, Caine buys  him a GUN?!?! Is that normal in Florida? Best of all, they try it out at the range, seeming to shoot David Johansen alikes for fun. Damned hippies.

3 - Caine, for seeming no real reason other than wanting to, bludgeons the shit out of a Barracuda with a stick. And this is before the pirates turn up.

4 - This film is stuffed with the cream of jobbing British actors, and it is always a pleasure to spend cinematic time in the company of Dudley Sutton. Much love for Mr Sutton here upon the heights of Mt Mickelwhite. 

Here, he plays a typically restrained underplayed role

5 - Midway through the film, theres a boarding action upon a yuppie yacht. Now this seemingly polite fellow......

(reading his copy of Alien)

.......turns out be a bonafide KARATE MAN of the classical sense and tries to fight them off, one by one, complete with crazy eye and Bruce Lee noises. He fails, valiantly.

6 - Later on, there is a second raid but this time upon a much bigger target....a US naval gunship. As the raid begins, one of the pirates is determined to stand out from the crowd and  really leave an impression.......

Bravo, sir, bravo. Man of the film.

7 - Amongst all of these goings on the film does really drag for long stretches at a time. During one, I was beginning to yawn and look at the clock.....

......then BOOM!! CAINE MACHINE GUN MASSACRE!!

Beautiful, just beautiful.

As the film ends, it seems that MC is left stranded in the Caribbean.......So, if he's not Alfred, then perhaps this is how Hoagie ended up in the tropics, drinking, gambling and living out his days?

Outfit of the film - In the midst of sweaty gun lovers, our man cuts an upper crust of class amongst the tight t-shirts.

(note the disdain)

And on that, we shall leave the final words to Mr Caine.

Double Top

Its an obvious answer to an obvious question really, isn't it?

Always a pleasure to see Snr Caine playing off an old chum. However, Michael.........that jacket

The Whistle Blower (1986)

Glasses: No

Doing an Accent?: No

Accent for whole film?: N/A

Hair: Yes

Does he point at someone?: Yes. Ranty point too.

 

Best Line: "If you believe in all that, why don't you bloody go and live in Russia!?" (that old chestnut!)

 

One genre that tends to appear within the works of Sir Maurice is the spy film, with our man having a reasonably large amount of genre roles in his wallet from Harry Palmer back in the day through to the more recent Kingsman: The Secret Service.

 

Theres probably a good case to be made for MC to be crowned as the best spy actor these shores have produced due to a decent number of killer films within this particular branch of Caineology. The man knows when to simmer, when to tear into the action and when to genuinely ACT in relation to the events unfolding.

 

In "The Whistle Blower" Caine plays a retired officer with some connections to the old firm, now in business, and with a son who works in code breaking and linguistics. Its clear that he loves his son dearly and see's him as the focus of his life, with Caines wife having departed and him not really being much of a socialite.

 

Caine plays this very well by not actually doing a lot on camera other than passively watching and observing the goings on around him - in an ACTORLY way and not a "dunno what I'm supposed to be doing here" way that lesser mortals than Maurice "Muthafuckin'" Mickelwhite would.

 

Now, when the son becomes privy to information that the establishment may not be as upright and square as they should be and the establish begins to move against him.........then its time for the old man to step in and start taking matters into hand and wanting some serious justice.

 

Frankly, its a rather bleak downer of a film, this one. Its not bad per se, but its rather glum autumnal melancholic air is the overriding memory that one takes away from it. It has a futile atmosphere to it, whether by chance or design.

 

Rubbish poster an' all.

 

Minutae.

 

1 - Unintentionally or not, theres a few riffs on the Ipcress File within this film, from the tone of the thing to the particular angles chosen for the cameras. Ol' Harry even turns up as a picture of a younger Caine in the background of his sons flat.

 

2 - A friend of Caines character appears and is wonderfully played by Barry Foster, who steals the film as is his wont. We here at Mickelwhite Towers are confirmed fans of the BF.

LOVELY!!!......LOOOOOVELLY!!!

 

3 - That most 80s of aviation designs, Firefox, makes an appearance at one point, instantly stamping this film with "1980s" in bold.

 

4 - From time to time, Bike Mike finds the need to deploy his "drunken" method of acting. Always a joy, always a pleasure and always welcome. And we get a peach of a scene here with it........cheers, old boy

 

 

5 - Big plot drive is the springing of an exposed Ruski agent............who appears to be none other than esteemed horror icon Garth Marenghi......

 

 

6 - This film takes place in some real grubby locations, what with motorway hotels, smoky pubs and rubbish strewn streets. All of which add to the general atmosphere of the film.

Even the supposedly nice locations (some of which are indeed very nice in real life) look drab.


Outfit of the film.

Slim pickings here as its mostly autumnal overcoats with nary a flamboyant scarf in sight. At least, not until Gielgud turns up. However, when shit gets real..........Jack Carter returns.